Geeks, Goats, Grapefruit and Basketball

What did I ever do to these inter-net or ether-net or whatever-net geekoids over to all these research engines? This is getting ridiculous. Four days of being web hosted and posted and bloggerated on a daily basis, and I still get no respect. Why won’t they recognize my web stuff? You still can’t Google and get here.

Gram said its because I have bad cornerstones. “Lookit, Mooner child. You can’t build nothin right unless you got good cornerstones.”

When I told her, “Its keystones, Gram, not cornerstones,” she said to me, she says, “Who gives a shit Mooner. Keystones, cornerstones or kidney stones they’re all the same. You ain’t got yer stones right and all you git is stoned.”

Then she added, “Here, baby. Take a few droppers of this potion.”

I looked at the label- hand-written in my Gram’s chicken-scratch. “Enternet fixer-upper Potion Version 1.6 Beta,” was the potion’s name. And under symptoms and cures it read, “Calms yer nerves while you work on yer com-pooter.”

When I asked her how she had researched this “enternet” malady and why this was a “beta version”, she said, and with a chuckle, “P-cubed and me was over to tha coffee shop down to the Drag over at the UT. You know tha one with all the college boys. We parked the Fararie there to the front in the H.-iecapper spot an sat onna hood drinking a cuppa joe. Cops all know us sos we don’t tickets fer not being crippled.”

OK, look. P-cubed is Penelope Paxon-Parades, Gram’s best buddy from way back. “Fararie” is the bright red 550-horsepower Ferrari that Streaker Jones gave her for her birthday last year when neither she nor had I killed the other. If you live here to Austin and you hear the screaming wail of a massive 12-cylinder engine accompanied by the sounds of gears grinding and horns honking- duck and cover because my Gram is dangerously near.

Gram is a highly sensual and sexual woman and she craves stimulation. The reason you will find Gram and Fararie both parked to the Drag is simple. When I asked, she answered. “That’s where we find the prime tenderloins, Mooner.”

And don’t start on me with any of your, “That ain’t right,” or your, “No self-respecting college stud would bed a saggy old goat bladder like your Gram.” A $250,000.00 bright red, 550-horsepower Ferrari will blind and labotomize 99% of all heterosexual males under the age of 25. Or maybe age 55. My Gram’s sexual exploits would make Tiger Woods blush.

Anyway, turns out that the two ladies scored themselves a dorm room full of computer majors and got some “enternet” education of their own. Why isn’t it a room “fulls” of computer majors?

Gram’s new potion tastes a little like that time Streaker Jones dared me to stick my tongue to the belly of this turtle we had back to fourth grade Spanish class. Mrs. Browningwell was mightily aggravated when I puked in the turtle’s aquarium.

And now I’m pretty down about my UT Longhorn men’s basketball team. Coach Barnes needs to spend the summer building us a point guard. Or buy one for crapsakes. Hell, I’ll put up half the money. OK, while we’re on this subject, I need to vent my spleen to Dexter Pittman.

Dexter, you listen to me. I know you lost 80 pounds. I know that and applaud you for it. But pay attention to me here. You have got some mad, badass basketball skills that are going to waste. Basketball is not fun when you lose. Basketball is not fun when you let a pissy little set of Demon Deacon forwards rebound your shorts off.

Stop smiling on court and get yourself a mean man attitude. You can own the paint if you’ll just stop being so happy about getting yourself in shape. 80-pound weight loss? Old news, Dexie. Get mad at those little shits when they try to invade your space. Get your hands up and stop slapping and grabbing. Belly-bust the skinny little asswipes and make them pay a Dexter Tax. Stuff the ball through the net and down their throats! Bite somebody or something for shitsakes.

Start smiling when you string a nifty run of double-doubles together for some NBA team. Smile at the little kids that admire you because you lost 80 pounds and you then went on to be a solid pro player.

OK, a drink recipe. The Texas ruby-reds are in season and cheaper than a three-dollar lady down to Matamoros. Five for a dollar over to the Sprouts store just last week.

Slice the grapefruit in half and cut the section divider thingies as if you were planning to eat them. Scoop those out into a glass bowl, squeeze the remaining juice into the bowl and then put the bowl into the freezer with your Tito’s or Dripping Springs vodka. When the grapefruit is almost frozen, mix it-sections and all, with your vodka in the tall, thick-walled glass-glass you keep in the freezer with the vodka and grapefruit.

No ice!

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a cold Carta Blanca. But yummy good. Like Gram says. “That there tastes like another.”

And somebody please answer me this. When I was standing to the sink washing my grapefruits for the drinks I was planning to serve at the BBQ, I looked at the bottle of organic veggie scrubber and noticed that the main active ingredient was “grapefruit oil”.

So, I’m standing there to the sink with four-dozen big ruby reds, veggie wash up to my elbows and with all of those grapefruits rolling all over the place, and having trouble remembering which were washed, which not, because you can’t tell by smelling them, because they all smell like a fucking grapefruit.

Streaker Jones wanders in and asks, “Where’s tha drinks, Mooner?”

I tell him all of this and I ask him, “If we’re using the oil from a grapefruit skin to wash the grapefruit, isn’t that an oxymoron or something? Why am I wasting my breath on this dealie when I can be out there making sure that Gnat’s boyfriend is cooking my goat right?”

“Fergit tha goat, Mooner. Wash the ruby reds.”

I went with Streaker Jones on the grapefruit. But it takes a special man to cook good goat.

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16 Responses to “Geeks, Goats, Grapefruit and Basketball”

  1. Theresa D. St.Johnswort says:

    Mr. Johnson,
    Your werbsite is so great it makes me wnat to jump up and down and curse. As a psychotherapist and would be artist I have been trying to design a werbsite for quite a while. A friend who is also a therapist knows you and said I should check yours out. I have been wanting to go rogue for some time. What I really want to do is write about crazy people instead of psychoanalyzing them. If you live in the toliet you might as well go native and enjoy it. So I’m glad I found you. I too suffer from a lot of thoughts. My ongoing list of things to do is:
    1. Design a werbsite
    2. Renew license
    3. Look for office
    4. Chicken coop tour
    5. Get some chickens
    6. Clean house
    7. Think about writing
    a. Some topics:
    a.1. Tit for tat: The history of reciprocal action and
    how it can unravel into meaness
    b.2. The perfect office
    c.3. Phantom resumes
    d.4. Using your Buddhist voice with your husband
    e.5. The Irish are unanalysable
    f.6. The fear of being controlled or subjugated (other
    authoritarians)
    g.7. How witchcraft became a heretical practice
    h.8. Officing with OCD
    g.9. What I want in an Office:
    A. Signage
    B. Windows
    C. Good light
    D. Waiting room and bathroom not adjoining
    incompatible business
    E. Near bird sanctuary
    F. Studio component
    G. Near Creek
    H. View of mountains
    I. Deer
    I could use some help with my website. I also may share some of your concerns including how rescuing animals that don’t want to be neutered may be a conflict of interest and may boil down to that papal injunction against birth control which is possibly expired. I would appreciate any feedback from your female dog. The thought to keep in mind is dogs do put a damper on raising chickens.

    Sincerely, Theresa D. St.Johnswort (Delores)

  2. admin says:

    Delores,

    May I call you Delores? Thank you for your thoughtful response. Please wear a sports bra when you jump, and curse your heart out. Cursing is good for the soul. I’m too tired to fully respond here, but Dixie said that the dog/chicken dealie can be cured by dosing the dog with one of Gram’s potions. It’s called, “Spit that chicken out or I wring your scrawney dog neck.” Dixie says it works like a charm.

    Thanks for commenting and come back soon. I’m interested in your randomly focused thoughts. Are you sure you don’t have ADD? Just wondering.

  3. This blog is great. How did you come up witht he idea? 8 5 8

  4. admin says:

    Lenard,

    Thanks for the kind words. When you ask, “How did you come up with the idea?”, I will both answer your question and also refer you to my master webpage (under Construction).

    This blogger jobbie is my response to my publisher refusing to print my book until I have 10,000 pre-orders on record. They “claim” that the publishing industry is in shambles and can only afford to print new authors who are “celebrities”.

    In responding to you here, I have managed to get re-pissed RE: that entire publishment crap, so I’ll post a detailed history to the blog.

    Thank you very much for your response, and please spread the word. I have no earthly idea what I am doing and need all of the help I can get.

    Also, I have ADHD and various other mental maladies, which in combination, push me to social limits. Mooner

  5. admin says:

    Oh, yea. Lenard. 858?

  6. Theresa D. St.Johnswort says:

    Yes, please feel free to call me Delores or, you if you wish to use the liberty, Lola. Or, La Lola. whitchever you prefer. Thankyou for sharing some of your family background or FOO (family of origin) as we say in the field. I have two greatgrandfathers, Bance Rude and Zenas Bliss who were gay, am the daughter and niece of the animus sisters, Ora Mae and Sarah Barnes, who are related to some twin Quatemalan nuns who were great aunts of mine, and the granddaughter to Aurora Barnes who was a secret Chatholic and arbularia, a healer who specialized in curing and/or alleviating the effects of brujeria. thus, my interst in psycho therapy as you call it. She had to practice incognitive, due to laws against that kind of practice and the fear of being labeled as a witych herself. I feel that way in my private prac never mind.
    Tell dixie thanks. thanks for the tips and are you sure your not tired because of drinking too much. I am working on a plant for that. Maybe we can trade services.

  7. Lorie Cozort says:

    Decoction of carrot seeds are excellent natural remedy for the treatment of urinary tract infection. The patients of UTI should have it two times a day till the infection is cured.

  8. admin says:

    Lorie,

    Thanks for the info. I’ll pass this to my Gram.

  9. Urinary tract infection is a painful disorder & it demands immediate medical intervention. The natural remedies of urinary tract infection are not purely an alternative medical treatment; these are like first-aid remedies & must be supported with antibiotics & other medication, in order to facilitate quick recovery. The natural remedies are safe & are prepared with easily available ingredients.

  10. admin says:

    This is valuable info Lucie.

    Just know that all of Gram’s potions are made from 100% organicaly grown natural ingredients.

  11. Keep up the good work, I like your writing.

  12. admin says:

    Thanks Mr. Grants.

    I’ll keep going until somebody stops me.

  13. It is great to have the chance to read a good quality blog with useful data on topics that many are interested on. The point that the data stated are all first hand on real experiences even help more. Go on doing what you do as we enjoy reading your work.

  14. admin says:

    Thanks, Does.

    Please keep reading and pass me along if you dare. But I have a question. I know that does are deers- female deers, and I know that adding a “Z” emphazizez the point of a word. I also know that foraging deer- cloven-hooved ratzz that they are, make extra work out to the ranch after they tear the gardenz to shedz.

    But something telz me that you name makes different implications. Pray tell, might I provide with a forum to discuss?

  15. Hello. Great job. I did not expect this on a Wednesday. This is a great story. Thanks!

  16. admin says:

    Thanks Caleb. Stay tuned for more.

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