Maybe This Will Explain Things

Since this week is such an important season for people with religious convictions, I have decided it is time for me to better address my own religious convictions in order to explain why I feel as I do about religious fanatics. I’m not doing this because of any of the threats made upon my person nor am I making them under pressure to suck-up to anyone.

While I am capable of yielding to pressure and threats, threats to my life are dealt with by the capable hands of Streaker Jones, my personal protection detail, and I only suck up when I think the suck-upped-to both needs the sucking-up, and also deserves it.

I am certain I said that the way I meant but I’m feeling a major digression oncoming, so I’m moving on. My ADHD is in hyper-drive as we have already begun the preparations for our annual Easter Bash out to the ranch. This year is especially stressful because many of our usual family attendees are intending to attend other things.

Dixie has gotten her feelings hurt and her nose bent out of joint over it, but Gram manages to have the same even-tempered attitude she carries through all aspects of life. “Who gives a shit, Mooner,” her response to the news that a good half-dozen Johnsons will miss the big Bash. “More fer us!”

I’m thinking to myself, “Yep. More of Dixie’s whining and bitching, more food and more of Gram’s crap spread thicker on my toast.” But that’s really OK with me too. One of the list of things I’m working on in my therapy is learning to appreciate people for who/what they are before they die.

But then again, my grandmother will outlive the rest of us by decades. She’s made of shoe leather, has a heart so small she wouldn’t miss a beat if it conked-out on her, and her organs are so pickled by those potions of hers, how would you kill her if you tried.

I have tried killing her with kindness and even that just bounces off her like she’s got some kind of force field dealie around her.

Hell, she is a force field.

After a careful contemplation of your posts here to my blog, and your emails and snail mails and phone calls, and the personal visits out to Mooners Compost Plant to punch me in the nose, I gather that not just a few of you disagree with my religious philosophies. The tenor and tone of your expressed feelings suggest to me that you have not heard my message.

Or maybe another way to say that is like this- the the tenor and tone of your opinions suggests to me that I have done a poor job of expressing my message. More likely it is my responsibility to better communicate my thoughts to you than it is your fault for having a thick skull.

See what growth you can purchase with thirty years of psycho therapy and something north of a $million paid to a mostly ungrateful ex-wife therapist? I think everyone should get theraporized at least for a few years.

I am going to better explain myself to you because I think I owe it to you. If you are going to take the time to read my dribble and then, using a rainbow of Crayola colors, hand write a sixty-page response to condemn me to Hell, I think you need to be better informed as to exactly why you wish that, “The Devil will lash your (read Mooner’s) ass to a parking meter and let real men have a go at you.”

That particular letter writer was angry for multiple transgressions made by me against his Lord and Saviour and his Baptist Church. He wrote it “MY Lord and Saviour and MY Baptist Church.” He would change colors for all of the “MYs” and rub over the letters multiple times to insure I understood his emphasis and the personalizations as what belongs to him. Like this God of his has a single client.

The sixty pages must have weighed five pounds what with all of the crayon wax and dried tobacco juice grafted to the paper. I wonder if I can recycle Crayola wax?

And even though I harbor the opinion that I lack the capacity to say anything that would shake my crayon-writing admirer off the solid rock of his faith, I think that maybe the rest of you might harbor fewer animosities towards me if I make an attempt.

Look, it is not your religion that bothers me, regardless of what beliefs your religion encompasses. I see it clearly as your right to believe anything you chose. And I am fully nondiscriminatory in my belief that you should be allowed to worship any belief system you chose. I don’t distinguish the Catholic belief set from the Mormons or Muslims or Wickans or even those total numb-skulls, the Scientologists.

OK, maybe it is true that the basic tenants of Scientology bother me, so let’s eliminate them from this whole explanation jobbie. The Scientologists can go fuck themselves.

So, except for the Scientologists, it isn’t the religion that ruffles my feathers, it is rather some of the bird-brained followers of said religions who are the root causes of my consternations.

Said another way, it isn’t the message, it’s the messenger.

Look. Each and every one of the historical religions have their foundations in either an actual God, who made an appearance here to planet earth, or a prophet/storyteller explaining the principles of their God.

If the actual deity came here for a vacation or maybe a tent revival to conjure-up a congregation of followers, he/she/it did so with a message of peace, love and acceptance. To a one, our historical deities have preached for us to love each other and let the other Gods’ peoples live- so long as they return the favor. Those Gods practiced what they preached and in turn loved their brothers.

Maybe brethren?

Those religions that count on a story teller/prophet to tell how it is with a particular God, tells us about the wonderful, caring, considerate, and loving guy their professed God was/is. We hear how their God is self sacrificing and modest and all of those other Godlike verbs and adjectives. And adverbs even.

To the last one, the words of these Gods has been the word of peace, goodwill and kind acts. To get your key-card to the electronic locks on the heaven’s gates of every one of these Gods, you need to follow that peaceful path. And basically, each of them has the same path. They have different names simply because They visit to a different time and place each time.

Hell, if you want my opinion, they are all the same God with the same path. I think its this one God who keeps coming back to visit and keeps sending prophets because fanatics keep getting the message all screwed up and twisting God’s word to promote some idiotic personal agenda.

Kind of like we get things all discombobulated and He keeps returning to give us refresher courses. Just like out to the Junior College where auto mechanics need to go to upgrade their knowledge when the technology changes. Remember when they first computerized the ignition systems in cars and they wouldn’t start unless it was 72 degrees outside and the relative humidity was below 34%?

That’s the same way some folks manage to misinterpolate God’s words, and then convince a bunch of brain-dead morons to follow their lead. Like that Jim Jones character down to New Guinea, or wherever, a few years back.

You know, the Cool Aid guy.

What always seems to happen is this. We manage to get things all bollixed-up, again, so God makes a business trip to earth to find a new prophet to educate we humans in how to get along with each other and live a good life. Again.

I don’t know if He has taken the time to pre-pick His prophets before He leaves wherever it is He is when He’s not here, or if He just puts everyone’s name in this giant fishbowl and draws up a name or what. I don’t think it really matters because God can take any guy right off the street and persuade him to prophetize. Prophetalate, maybe.

God can be persuasive, if you know what I mean. And why do we need to capitalize every reference to Him? He knows He is omnipotent and all that, so He knows that when I say “he” that I mean “Him”. Right?

How big would that fishbowl of His be? And where do you think He hangs when he’s not hanging with us?

For all you know, maybe I’m nothing less than God’s latest chosen prophet sent out into the world via the I-net to spread His word to stop being such bigoted asswipes and get back to God’s basic messages. Did you ever think about that? How do you know that the big He didn’t visit me last time I was locked up in the lonnie bin, with a drip-line of Haldol putting my mind in a most receptive mode?

How can you be so sure that God didn’t visit me in a vision with a message to all of you fanatics and terrorists? Just imagine that. How about if I was sent here to tell the Baptists and Muslims that if they don’t stop oppressing other people in the name of their twisted interpretations of their God’s Book, that my God was planning a little visit to smite some ass.

And I get to point the finger. And then maybe I would be “Me” and “Mine” and shit like that. You know, capitalize all of My stuff.

Mooner Johnson- Prophet of God. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the ass. What would we call My religion?

But, for the sake of brevity, let me focus on the Christian religion as a species, and the Southern Baptist Convention Baptist practitioners as a sub-set. This I choose to do because I was raised Baptist of the Southern persuasion and also because the Christian religion has prophets, as evidenced by the Old Testament and Moses and King Solomon and Isiah and such, and the Christians were paid a visit by God Hisownself, embodied in the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ.

Make sense that I choose to elaborate in said fashion? Good.

I have read the King James version of the Bible several times cover-to-cover, and have read it several more times a few verses at a time. Baptists read selected verses from the Bible every time they gather. Streaker Jones has memorized every “Bible” of every religion on the planet and he can back me up on the following Biblical observations:

  1. No religion advocates violence to another sect or race or religion just because they don’t profess the same beliefs. Not a one.
  2. No religion says to hate and persecute gays or lesbians. Many a Baptist preacher has tried to say it does, but it does not. Some of the verses Pastor Browingwell quotes to support his anti-gay thinkings can also be read to endorse gay acts.
  3. Each Bible promotes acceptance and inclusion and living in peaceful harmony with folks harboring differing views. And unless those other guys try to put some smite on us- we don’t need to be smiting them.
  4. All the Bibles expect tolerance and forgiveness of any transgressors.
  5. None of these Bibles teaches its followers to write laws to govern non-believers. Nope, all of the law-writing verses are talking about laws for followers.

Nowhere does it say to force an infidel to follow your lead and nowhere does it say to kill them if they won’t. Nowhere does it say to kill a doctor because he believes in a woman’s choices, nor does it say to deny women their rights to choose.

Like these assholes who were just arrested up to Indiana and elsewhere who were planning to kill one policeman and then bomb as many more as possible at the funeral. These shitbrains read the Bible to condone or even demand their actions.

Good God-fearing Americans, right? Family men.

Nope. Brain-dead, right-wing Baptist fuckballs to the man. And woman. No different than Osama Bin Laden or any of the rest of the Taliban and such. Both groups want to kill people because their religions differ, and each don’t mind taking innocent lives in their blind pursute to promote their doctrine.

Somebody, anybody show me where I am wrong. Please.

I mean, look here. I am just as egotistical and opinionated as the rest of you. I just can’t justify killing some guy for doing something I don’t condone- like lighting a cigarette in a restaurant under the “NO SMOKING” sign. I want to, but I don’t.

And litterbugs. I want to choke the life right out of litterbugs, and Texas Governor Rick Perry. Little Ricky seems to think he has the right to govern me based upon his religious beliefs, so why don’t I have the religious right to take his right wing ass for a midnight swim out to Lake Travis when I disagree?

Or bigots. Nothing I hate more than a fucking bigot.

OK, look. Dr. Sam I. Am just read what I have already written and she says I have made my point if you are going to allow it to be made. She said it like this, she said, “Look Mooner. Most people who are fanatical about their religion are fanatically flawed. They lack the ability to care if they are right or wrong. They have flawed thinking or they are evil, so no amount of logic, truth or reason will sway their opinions.”

OK. Fine. I’m done except to say this. If you have a reasonable way to prove me wrong, please tell me. Show me the error of my ways.

If you can prove me wrong, I’ll never make another nasty comment about the fucking Baptists again.

Happy Whatever-it-is That You Celebrate!

Mooner

And PS. When you enjoy whatever bounties of food and drink you chose to share this season, please remember that when you lay your overfull belly down to go to sleep Sunday night, there are little kids and mothers and others who are going to their beds less than sated. Please donate to the Food Bank.

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13 Responses to “Maybe This Will Explain Things”

  1. Jesus Christ says:

    Sometimes someone who is submissive is willing to try new things, so maybe try the total opposite of what she’s normally wears to bed. Jesus Christ

  2. admin says:

    Dear Jesus,

    Thank you for your thoughtful insight. I know you work in mysterious ways, but I din’t think the choice of night wear effects hunger. Please further elucidate.

    Mooner

  3. Theresa D. St.Johnswort says:

    Happy easter egg Mooner
    That was the best pre-sermon I think i have ever had since my conversion to the Yagui religion. My two gay great grandfathers and “twin” aunts who are nuns thank you for pointing out those who are “pactado con el Diablo”. As you know, they do not operate alone. As an arbularia, I mean therapist, I have to say that the thing to attend to instead of who is going to heaven or not, is what is going on around you. For instance, I already mentioned mal ojo.
    A good example is my six year old grandson whose hair was touched by a woman at HEB. We were leaving the store when a woman walked up behind him and, admiring his twirl, touched it. (He has a permanent twirl on the top of his head due to twirling his hair to sooth himself, and though he says he no longer has to do it, he kind of likes the way it looks and had forgotten to untwirl it for public, which he usually does instinctively so as not to draw attention to himself.)
    I’m not sure if the lady touched it on purpose or just by accident because she thought it was cute. But this is how mal ojo (evil eye) starts. Out of envy, recentment, or just plain admiration, an innocent is touched , especially thier hair, and they feel they have been touched by evil and can become bewitched.
    Luckily, we caught it in time. By the time we got to the car, my grandson was sobbing, and we didn’tt know why, because he could’nt tell us at first. He just kept saying, “this has never happened to me before”. “What? What happened?”, his brother and I kept saying. “Did you want grandmommy to get you something?”, his brother asked because he often plays it this way when he wanted something from the store. “NO! It’s not about an item”, he said.
    By the time we got home, by process of letting him calm down, he finally told us that that woman had touched his twirl and he didn’t like it.
    Suffice it to say, i did a small ritual cleansing with my crystal when we got home and he was immediately relieved and himself again. One cannot be too careful.
    Another example of danger all around us is the basilisk ( el basilisco), which I’m sure Dixie knows about. In our own southwest, this creature issues from a hen, and is a shapeless, ugly form, jet black, and resembling an ill made chick. This is why I don’t approve of easter eggs. In fact, in this region, any female fowl may give birth to a basilisk. If the basilisk sees someone first, that person dies, but, if the situation is reversed and the creature is caught unaware and observed by a human first, then it dies. This cures my ADD just by talking about it.

    Sincerely,
    Teresa Dolores St. John’s Wort

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  5. admin says:

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  6. Noel Loffier says:

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  7. admin says:

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    And this joke is very funny. Might I try to figure out how to copy it and put it in a regular post? Some of you guys have made comments that I would like to share in a posting.

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