South By Southwest, Stewart Udall, Oprah Winfrey

Hello everyone. I bring you glad tidings from the frozen tundra that is Austin, Texas. I’m still up from the all-nighter we pulled down to the South By Southwest Music Festival. Streaker Jones, Dixie, Gram, Aunt Hilda, Sister and Anna the Amazon, P-cubed and I made the trek and, of course I was the designated driver.

I’m always the designated driver. I have the CDL Driver’s License so I drive the bus.

It was a great time this year- really good bands, really cold beer (well, duh, its twenty degrees outside) and I only got into one altercation. The bands and cold beer were welcome and the fight was not my fault.

See, there’s this man from Gram’s Baptist church who lost his job with one of the big chemical companies. I hate big chemical companies and write stuff about how you should stop using chemicals on your lawns and gardens. Therefore, ibso proto mento, I caused him to lose his job.

So, were walking around at the SXSW drinking beer and having a grand time of things and we needed to make a pee stop. Making a pee stop at a festival is always an experience in and of its ownself, so we all made our way to the closest row of porta potties. Now look, I do not approve of porta potties because of all the chemicals, but there were too many ladies in my party to just use a cup and carry it with me. Gram’s OK with it and she’s the one that taught me how, but I was talking about “ladies”.

As we get there to the temp johns and take our place to the lines, I hear this drunken voice yelling at me, “Mooner Johnson, you disruptive shit!”

I turned and it was this guy, Maynard Miller, the Baptist former chemical worker. He’d gotten a temp job manning the porta cans, his allotted row of cans next door to one of the music venues. Being as cold as it was, the proprietors of the music venue were keeping their beer kegs out back to save energy and kitchen space. Maynard was abusing their inattention to the stored beer barrels, and he was wearing a cheaply-acquired shitface.

Wasn’t much of a fight. Gram poked him in the eye and Dixie had him solidly by the crotch of his shorts before he ever got to me. He started crying about how I ruined his life.

Man had a point.

We got to talking and I told him he could have a job out to the compost plant if he would quit smoking cigarettes. I don’t allow smoking employees. He said, “OK, I’ll try.” Good enough for now.

Anyway, Stewart Udall died, and I am totally bummed. You guys remember who he is? He is the granddaddy of the entire environmental movement as a mainstream issue. He was the US Secretary of the Interior back to the sixties and he raised six kinds of Hell to save US Park lands and promoted sanity with the Environment.

Before Secretary Udall took his stands, the Environmental Movement was known by another name- “Hippies, Communists and Subversives.” This brave man was the first “corporate type” to speak up for the protection of the Planet. Of course, since he was early in the movement he was chastised and often lumped in with us Hippies and Communists and Subversives. Without him I don’t think the Environmental Movement would have made it out of the sixties yet.

Bless you Stewie.

OK, let’s do some business. I would like everybody who reads this crap of mine to post a comment. Tell me what you like, or don’t, and how you found me. Don’t be shy, tell me exactly what you think. I have thick skin plus my psycho therapist tells me I’m too stupid to catch most digs.

But here’s the business part. I’ll have Dixie judge a contest for the “most interesting comment”. The criteria will be: the keyword you used to find me; your likes/dislikes; and Dixie’s arbitrary nature. That dog can be a real bitch sometimes.

The winner will receive an autographed copy of my new book, I’m Not That Crazy, or How Oprah Winfrey Almost Ruined My Life. I reserve the right to disagree with Dixie and to end the contest at any time and also the right to award more than one winner at my whim.

I do, however, promise to be fair. Mooner

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12 Responses to “South By Southwest, Stewart Udall, Oprah Winfrey”

  1. Theresa D. St.Johnswort says:

    Mooner, if I may, I might as well tell you before it’s too late that the plant that’s a cure, loosely termed, for alcohol craving is called agave. I don’t drink, but I know from experience that it works. The secret concoction for the brew is called Malleus Malleficarum ( the witches hammer) in the curanderismo world. I would have to entrust the formula to Dixie only, as telling another human being would be a violation of protocol. It is good for mal puesto (artificially induced illness), mal ojo (evil eye), and susto (fright). I only use it for anxiety. All of which I suspect you are vulnerable to, especially at SXSW events.
    You have to be willing to repeat the words “Madre de Dios”
    while drinking it. I believe you can pick it up in the form of tequila at Shed’s Liquor, but it may not be as effective. I
    hope it’s not too late. Remind me to tell you about my grandson’s near brush with mal ojo.
    Sincerely, La D.

  2. admin says:


    I am intrigued by your descriptive narrative. As a spiritual woman, I think maybe I will pass your thoughts on to my Gram. While far less sophisticated than you, I think her experience might offer a balance to conversation and debate.

    I will say that the summer after we graduated high school, Streaker Jones and I went to the interior of Mexico and lost about a month to a drink called “poulquy”. Maybe my Spanish spelling is bad- you say it like “pool-kay”. That’s the fermented but not distilled precursor to your basic bottle of Hornitos 100% agave. We drank the milkey liquid from pickled jalepeno jars still carrying the hint of heat and pickling juice.

    Having said all of that, I want to hear more.

    Thanks, Mooner

  3. Theresa D. St.Johnswort says:

    Dear Moonface,

    Please don’t confuse me with your Gram. We are probably worlds apart, but I would like to meet her. She seems to be aware of potions. The pickled jalepeno jars are a nice touch whitch I will add to my expermentations.

    In the mean time I would like to enter your contest because I will have to order a book otherwise. Go ahead and order me one just in case I don’t win. I believe the criteria is saying what I like and don’t like about your blog. There was something about a goat that I did’nt like but I can’t remember exactly. As you noted, I have a sort of unfocused focus most of the time witch probably is a side effect of the agave concoction I have to ingest for testing purposes and also for anxiety. Unfortunately, I am a therapist who is afraid of craziness, not that I have any crazy clients at this time (but you never know who might walk in the door). The kind of crazyness I don’t like are those religious fanatics, mostly Christian, who go around praying for people and burning them at the stake ( my ancestors). Woops, too much info. Authoritarians I don’t mind; you can tell them what to do. It also makes me nervous to be around men who think all women are witch-like. So what I like about your blog is your enlighted attitude about religion, even though you are far from appropriate in many ways. But wasn’t that already confirmed?

    Don’t worry about it. It mostly stems from your ADHD, which means there is something wrong with your brain. I have ADD, a mild case, which is mostly a side effect of anxiety and the concoction which I mentioned before. At least I don’t have an OCD bone in my body.

    Please let Dixie know I have a “familiar” too. A canary named Rue. She is always at my side. And she sings. So of course I wanted to mention this to Dixie.


  4. zynga says:

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  5. admin says:

    Thanks, Zenga,

    A few years ago I thought a swollen prostate and erictile dysfunction were the problems of older men. I now understand that young men can exhibit at least a few symptoms. Thank you for your comment and keep on reading. I need all of the support I can muster.

    Do you have any pet topics. I’m so full of shit that I can pontificate on almost any subject with at least a perceived intelligence.


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  7. admin says:

    Thanks Robert.

    I am unsure what questions you are asking me. Let me ask Ben, my compu-guru and get back to you.

  8. Tona Burlile says:

    Oprah, I have so enjoyed your show over the years…you are an inspiration and I admire all you have done for those less fortunate than you!

  9. admin says:

    Thanks for the comment, Tona.

    My “Oprah” moon show seems to be a fan favorite.

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  11. admin says:

    Thanks Jon T.

    I’ll keep going until somebody stops me!

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