A Last Warning; Right-Wing Militia Shitballs and Jesus

Why is it that people are so polarized these days? When I started this bloggie my intentions were to talk about what things are buggerating me to distractions, tell you to make donations to the Capital Area Food Bank, and then to sell some stuff to make a little cash.

I did not start blogging to attract any unwanted attention to myself, and for sure for any attentions I do attract, I intended to have those attractions be attended to here to the bloggie.

Wait, even I don’t understand what I just said. Let me try that again.

Please respond to me by making your sentiments known to me by posting a comment here to the blog. No phone calls, no letters and for sure no personal visits. This is my last warning that Streaker Jones handles my personal protection.

Look, I am sorry if you think that erudite discussions about camel toes are inappropriate. I am sorry if you think my left-leaning bias is offensive and I am sorry if you don’t like divorced men. I am sorry that you consider me to be, and here I will quote the Right Reverend Browningwell from over to Gram’s Baptist Church, “… that Godless heathen fornicator, Mooner Einstein Johnson.”

I am sorry for anything and everything it is about me that you don’t like that seems to anger you so very much. I am sorry.

However, I am not sorry to you, but rather my sorrow is for you.

It is one thing for us to harbor differing ideas on sex, war, drugs, marriage, sexuality and sexual orientation, Chelsea Handler’s camel toe, charities, or anyfuckingthingelse. I mean really, even the Apostles had differing religious beliefs and they were all taking the same walks with Jesus and heard the actual words coming from the actual mouth of the Son of God. Right? Yet even with all of that first-hand exposure, those guys managed to get things screwed-up.

Why can’t we just agree to disagree?

And, “Mooner,” you might say. “What the hell happened to get you off on this rant?”

A good question.

Streaker Jones was out to Mooners Compost Plant and we were inspecting the newest batch of compost we made for his mushroom farms. We decided to tweak the recipe just a touch by adding some expired-date Carta Blanca beer to the mix. The beer was from this warehouse the two of us bought recently. It was stacked floor-to-ceiling in old-fashioned wooden cases. Only reason the beer was there was the owner died without any heirs. Carta Blanca doesn’t expire under normal circumstances. But this was a terrible waste unless we can use it for special compost successfully.

Since beer is full of microbes and yeasties and a full matrix of spoor-supporting nutrition, we decided to use it for Streaker Jones special mix.

We’re out to the compost pad checking temperatures and checking quality and smell and such when a pick-up full of armed men came racing through the plant, dusting-up the air, and came to a screeching halt where we stood.

Streaker Jones spotted them first, and after just a quick assessment of the situation he said to me, he says, “Mooner, u git b-hind me an zip yur lip.”

So, I zipped it and stood in his shadow as the men arrived and the six of them scrambled out of the cab. The truck was one of the big Ford Extended Cab F350 “King Ranch Edition”- a monster. It was black and had all the rims and flags and bumper stickers a person would expect from the crew the truck shit-out its doors. It even had the snarling, slobbering pit bull in the back.

“We’re lookin for Mooner Fuckface Godless Johnson, mutherfucker. Whur is e?” This from the leader, a man of maybe fifty years- pot bellied, chaw-juice stained lips and teeth (maybe nine teeth), and holding some variety of assault rifle. These first words spoken as the six men fanned-out in a semi circle facing the sun. Each man carried a nasty looking gun.

Streaker Jones replied, “Mooners not taking company boys. Pack up and head out before you get hurt.” I noticed that the pit bull silenced and started shaking like a chihuahua as soon as Streaker Jones started talking.

Of course these dumb right-wing religious fuckballs aren’t as smart as their dog and don’t think clearly enough to think at all. So the speaker says, “OK boys. Rough em up fer me.”

I didn’t see everything that happened in the next three seconds because I had my eyes closed. I sometimes lack enough stomach to watch the killing machine that is my best friend.

When Streaker Jones says to me, “OK Mooner, you kin open yur eyes,” I did.

“Did you kill them all?” I whimpered. All six were in one big body pile. I saw no blood but no movement either.

“Nope. They’s jus gonna be wishin theys dead’s all.” Then he added, “You know who these shitballs are, right Mooner?”

I told him, “Well Streaker Jones, they look just like I imagined they would when their leader called me with the threats after he logged-on to my bloggie yesterday. I recolated his voice.”

“Tell Javier to bring tha loader over. We’ll put em in the bucket and dump em in tha pond. That’ll wake em up.” Sometimes my best friend has a mean streak. That pond holds the runoff water from our operations. It is nasty water.

“You’re right about that Streaker Jones. Wake them up and inoculate them with a few million possibly undesirable strains of bacteria. Sounds like a plan.”

Now I know you thought I was digressing on you with my ADHD or the ADD that infects my soul, but I am not. See, these assholes were from one of those new religious militias that want to eliminate Jews because the Jews crucified Christ.

I did this presentation to one of Sister and Anna the Amazon’s lesbian groups meeting where I discussed prejudices. I happen to have some very strong ideas about prejudice and I am told that my perspectives are interesting and somehow, this bunch of militia asswipes heard about my views.

Anyway, I was invited to speak about prejudice, and specifically the prejudice Christians seem to have against homosexuals. After a few minutes of discussion on that specific subject, my mind wandered to the militia groups that hate Jews for, “Killing our Lord and Saviour.”

In a nutshell, in my opinion, the Christians should be grateful to the Jews for killing Christ, if that was even the way things went down. Personally, I think you could blame the Romans if you wanted, but in reality the killers were greedy, fearful individuals. You know, men who were afraid that Jesus was going to take something from them.

But look here. The prophets said that Jesus was going to be put here to full-fill a prophecy, that He would be killed for being different, and that He would rise from the dead to clear the path for the rest of us to have Salvation. My Baptist church preaches to me that this sequence of events was God’s plan. God’s Master Plan in fact. Fail to perform any of the key parts and the entire plan fails. Right?

Then why are these brain-dead Bozos mad at the Jews for doing what it was that God programmed them to do? If God wanted the Jews to kill Jesus shouldn’t we Christians be grateful? Are we not asked to be grateful for the blessings bestowed upon us by others?

Hell, if I was in charge of holidays I’d have a holiday called, “Thank God for the Jews Otherwise I’d Have a Bitch of a Time Getting to Heaven Day.” Maybe I’d need to shorten it to “TGJOHBTGH-Day.”

That’s still not catchy enough but you get my point.

These militia types are angry because they are not Jews. That’s all. Their minds lack enough functionality to understand that no two people are really alike in any way. But because they don’t think well, or thoughtfully, they are afraid of anything some shitwad preacher or talk radio host or celebrity tells them to be frightened of. Or about.

When I asked Streaker Jones how he managed to incapacitate the six armed men without spilling any blood, he said to me, “Careful plannin, Mooner.”

Now that is a man who knows how to think.

OK, two items to clear up. First, I am not paid by Carta Blanca. I would love for them to sponsor me, but no, at this time they do not. They know how to reach me if they do. I love Carta Blanca beer- plain and simply.

Second. Well, second I have forgotten what else it was that was second. Maybe I’ll remember later. Isn’t ADHD/ADD fun?

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4 Responses to “A Last Warning; Right-Wing Militia Shitballs and Jesus”

  1. Would it be ok if I link up to your web site, from my website? I’m trying to round up as many bits of useful info as I am able.

  2. admin says:

    Thanks Theron.

    I’m unsure what might be useful from here, but you are welcome to it.

  3. Although There’s no doubt that your post is on the ideal path there are actually a couple of factors i do not go along with.

  4. admin says:

    Thanks Antione.

    What did I miss? I am hard headed, stubborn and opinionated- all true. But I do listen.

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