Am I Bleu?; Cheese Talk with Mooner Johnson (Part 10)

Does anybody know how to get stains out of your skin? I have now been hosed down with a power washer, soaked in bleach, abraded with a wire brush, had maybe 36 showers, enjoyed an even dozen full body scrubs with that gritty oozie goop I got from Dana at Arbonne, and.

Wait, wait wait. Let me start all over.

First, if you don’t know, I felt disrespected and unappreciated so I went on a protest to get some. Respect and appreciation that is. I did not wash myself or brush my teeth and I ate a diet that consisted of garlic and onions exclusively. After the first day I had a slight ripeness to me, like maybe what you would get from sniffing through the tight plastic wrapping on a little chunk of bleu cheese down to the Sprouts store.

You know what I mean. A person knows what blue cheese smells like so even though it is tightly-wrapped in clear plastic, you can smell it. Maybe you aren’t actually smelling the cheese, like one of those psycho thematic dealies, but your nose catches just a whiff of that incredible, rich smell of my favorite cheese even if it only comes from memory.

I truly do love bleu cheese. I love blue cheese as well- any kind of bleu cheese made anywhere and by anyone. I am non-discriminatory as to a cheese’s country of origin, religious affiliations of the cheese maker and I don’t even care if the cheese maker or animal producing the raw milk product are Republicans.

In my opinion, the only thing that matters is that the cheese was produced without chemicals and that it has good flavor. I mean it.

Wait. Psycho semantics- that memory dealie is psycho semantics. It’s all just a matter of words, right?

I do, however, have preferences as to which variety of bleu cheese to use in particular situations. As an example, in a salad or salad dressing I prefer a cheese that is on either extreme of the flavor spectrum. Either the most mild, like a Maytag, or a really mean French triple-cream aged-in-a dead-goat’s-carcass and costs $50.00 a pound- a real Gram gagger.

Gram hates bleu cheese and I love to pester her with it.

“Iffn you gag me puttin that bleuie cheese shit in my face one more time Mooner, I’m gonna stake ya to a anthill,” my Gram told me this one time. I had a chunk of Limburger, it wasn’t an actual bleu, but my Gram lacks any culinary sophistication. Like she always says, Gram will say, “Who gives a shit Mooner. Iffn it smells lik shit, it’s shit!”

Have you ever been staked to an anthill?

Anyway, to continue the description of my ripening as the days progressed in true allegorical fashion, I began to unwrap the plastic covering as my blue cheese sat in the trunk of the car on 100-degree Texas afternoons.

By the fourth day, as you have unwrapped enough plastic to make a small opened crease that exposes some of the cheese to the air, my body odor would make your eyes water from the next room. By day seven, with the fully unwrapped lump of cheese fermenting in the sweltering trunk getting new infestations of bacteria and fungi, the now blackend bleu cheese has stripped the paint from the entire car and melted the soft rubber gaskets used to seal the trunk lid, windows and doors.

By day eleven- that’s when I had my epiphany and got respect, it is far safer to burn the car than to even consider looking inside the trunk. OK, that would be a bad example because the toxic smoke from the fire would likely defoliate much of Central Texas like Agent Orange. But you get my meaning.

Do you guys know about how the oils and acids and shit in garlic and onions can worm their way through your system and make an oil slick on your skin? All of the odor and flavor of garlic and onions will start layering your skin in this oil slick after you eat enough.

So, after my pressure washing to blast the rest of my clothes off me- that was shirt, undershirt, socks and bandanna, and then all the scrubbing with wire brushes to get the tar off me, I was left with a heavy coating of this oil.

And just so you know, Streaker Jones brought the Haz-Mat team out to the ranch from our research labs to do phases one and two. They bagged and jarred everything they pried loose of me and took it back to the lab for full military testing.

The Army is sending both chemical and biological inspection teams to observe our testing. They know everything that was removed from me is organic but they still can’t figure out what it is.

So. I’m all stripped down to the oil coating and that’s where Dana comes in. Dana, and you don’t say it like Dana Andrews, you say it like Princess Diana except without the “i”.

Jesus, Mooner that was lame. Try this: it isn’t day-nuh, you say her name dan-nah, like it’s got more “n’s” in it than it does.

She’s my beauty expert, so I called Dana to see if she could help me get the oil off my skin and she said to me, she says, “Do I even want to ask why you need such a product Mooner?”

After an hour of my explanation, she interrupted me to say, “Got it Mooner. You need Awaken Sea Salt Scrub from Arbonne.

“Fine,” I said. “Send me a few cases.”

This stuff is so great that as soon as SAC Ellen is talking to me again I’m going to have her pop me with her stun gun and then scrub me down with Awaken. I love this stuff. If you want some, get with Dana at Be sure to tell her that Mooner sent you.

She won’t give me anything if you do, but you don’t want her to think you’re a stalker or some silly religious shitball wanting to get inside her guard.

And I also want to send out a special Thanks to the makers and importers of Carta Blanca beer. I would be dead if it wasn’t for Carta Blanca beer. Carta Blanca beer provided me with all of the essential vitamins and minerals I needed to supplement my restricted diet these last many days. I love Carta Blanca.

And Texas Governor Rick Perry, you small minded little imbecile, you managed to keep me in stitches with your snakes and guns and hollow-point bullet stories. We all know that humor is the best medicine, so Ricky- please keep sharing your innermost thoughts with me. You know, the ones that come from your hollow, pointed head.

OK, the ADHD has digressed me to near hallucinationing.

I’m back, I’m strong and I’m focused.

But if you are the first who can tell me how to remove the stains from my skin, I’ll send you a free copy of my book when it comes out. Bleach, acid washing, and lasers have already been tried.

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7 Responses to “Am I Bleu?; Cheese Talk with Mooner Johnson (Part 10)”

  1. Theresa D. St.Johnswort says:

    Dear M.
    Your recent blog reminded me I still have more to say about Mr. Perry, if I may. He really blew it. Even my six year old grandson, the one with the “twirl”, knows you don’t diss a coyote. I suspect it will cost him the election. Here are ten useful tips for the unexperienced coyote hunter who takes the path Mr. P took:
    1. Use different sound bites to throw the coyote off
    2. Make sure you don’t look into any bird nests (See my story about the dangers of the basilisk or el basilisco).
    3. Get rogue or territorial; pee around the perimeter of the runnng trail.
    4 Wear army camouflage and protective gear, especially around the neck. Coyotes can take you out if your neck is exposed. In fact, don’t expose yourself at all. Not even to little children.
    5. Take a partner, preferably a hunting dog like a dachsund which can follow the coyote down a hole if needed and keep it there until you can stick your gun in and shoot it. This is where a luger with a sight would be helpful.
    6. Be ready to shoot indiscriminately before the coyote growls because dachshunds are likely to let go and play.
    7. Bring a predator ladder in case the coyote gets the better of you and quickly elevate yourself as high as possible on the nearest tree or large bush. A swivel seat on these ladders is optional, but handy if you decide to hunt other prey from your position in case you survive. If possible, before setting up the ladder it is useful to decide if you want to position it near a game trail or in the woods or near a golf course. The coyote will probably recognize you need a little time to decide and cut you some slack.
    8. Be prepared to stop in your tracks instantly and backtrack or hold your ground. Moonwalking is effective because the coyote will not know whether you are advancing or retreating, and chances are, you won’t know yourself, so it works both ways. Only repeat experience will help you here.
    9. Know that all coyotes are smarter than you and cannot be trusted, especially border coyotes. Before you know it, they’ll be living in your neighborhood and you won’t understand them because they don’t speak English. And don’t expect them to take care of your lawn. (They may take care of your cat).
    10. Coyotes have excellent vision and have you in their sights before you have them. HTH, Teresa

  2. Dana Frank says:

    Mooner, at least get my website right. Dana

  3. Dana Frank says:

    And thank you.

  4. admin says:

    You are welcome.

  5. admin says:

    Thanks for pointing out my mistakes to the entire world. It isn’t like you shouldn’t have expected me to make at least a tiny mistake like this.

    However, having said all of that- mea culpa, I am sorry and I’ll never make another mistake ever again. Do I get a discount if I buy the Sea Salt Scrub by the carload?

  6. uncencyvopy says:

    Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!


  7. uncencyvopy says:

    Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Christian,Diet Guide!

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