Dental Hygienists Sue Gram; Sprouts Has The Answer

Gram is on the war path. I told you she has this new potion for curing gum disease she calls Ginger I’m Invitin Ya Ta Go Away, right? Well, it seems that the American Dental Hygiene Association got wind of the trials she was doing over to the research lab that Streaker Jones and I own, and they filed a lawsuit and got restraining orders to stop her clinical testing.

Lawsuit says that my Gram is, “Conducting illegal research and creating a Public Nuisance.”

Well fucking duh!

You ever meet Gram? That old leather saddle bag is a Public Nuisance. Half of Central Texas heads for the hills when they see her coming and the other half simply isn’t smart enough to know to run. Or maybe they’re new to town and just don’t know any better.

I mean really. Remember Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies back to the earlier days of TV? If you guys were to see a wrinkled old woman, that looked like Granny except extra well-worn, driving a bright red Ferrari downtown at 100 miles per hour- banging and pinging off everything in sight, wouldn’t you run?

But you would be astounded at how the men and boys, a few women too, are attracted by that damned car. Streaker Jones got it for her when she didn’t kill me this one time. She had to go an entire year without inflicting any serious damage to my person, which almost killed her.

Anyway, Dr. Kelly Keith is our dentist and Melissa is our hygienist and we love them both. They office in a nifty old house over to Red River near the University. We had to talk Gram down from going over to Red River with her shotgun.

When I asked her why she was planning to shoot my favorite hygienist, and hers, she said, “Hynie-geeners is as hynie-geeners does, Mooner. I cain’t be a playin fav-rits.”

That was the point when Mother fainted.

“Look Gram,” I tried to intervene, “Let’s make sure that Melissa favors this lawsuit before you start shooting.” Then I thought to add, “Jeff is pretty good at getting us Johnsons acquitted of murder charges but he keeps reminding me that we need to have justification.”

“Don’t you double talk me Mooner Einstein Johnson, I’m a lookin fer justice. I ain’t gonna shoot her, Mooner, just scare sum sense into her.” And then she added, “Einstein my rosy-red ass. I shoudda shot you when I had tha chance.”

Have I told you that Mother feints often? Well she does. Gram says she’s, “Got tha deli-cat sensor billies.”

That just cracks me up.

When I asked Gram how Mother can be so sensitive with Gram for a mother she says to me, she said, “Lookit, Mooner. Yer Granpa an me furgot yur mother up to Amarillo this one time when we came back from vacating. We stopped at the Pala Dura Cannon ta have a look-see and just left her. She always was a quiet one but she was a’feart a rattlesnakes and they was ever’where up there in them rocks.

“Back then it wuzza two day drive each way. Yur Muther was all alone fer five days inna cannon with them snakes.”

“I taught her ta play dead when she was ta see a snake and I guess her faintin is just her a playin dead. She got enuf practatin that one time to git good at it.”

Is it any wonder I’m so fucking crazy?

Explains Mother’s feinting as well.

Anyway, I was making my Saturday visit to Sprouts to get some fresh wild salmon, Carta Blanca and other fixings because the salmon was on special and you can never have too much Carta Blanca. OK, you can drink too much at one sitting but you know what I mean.

When I checked out I got Juli as my cashier, and she is one of my favorites. She’s got an ear ache from her allergies, poor thing, but she had some good advice when I asked how I could keep Gram out of jail.

Juli told me, she said, “Why don’t you get her distracted- you know, get her attention focused on something else.”

See why I like to go to Sprouts?

When I asked her how I might distract Gram, she said, “Tell her about the big fraternity party at UT. All of the frat houses are having their end of school party on the same night. Tonight. Everyone at UT knows your grandmother likes to hang with frat boys.”

I wanted to kiss her.

“I guess it would be inappropriate to kiss you, Juli.”

“Mr. Johnson, Harry has told all of us to keep our distance. You can thank me by not writing about me in your blog.”

And then she added, “I have my reputation to protect.”

Wait a minute. You guys all know that Gram didn’t mean Pala Dura Cannon, right? Gram was talking about Palo Duro Canyon, the half sized replica of the Grand Canyon up near Amarillo.

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10 Responses to “Dental Hygienists Sue Gram; Sprouts Has The Answer”

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  3. admin says:

    Thanks for responding Carroll.

    I hope you mean you like Gram’s potion idea and not the filing of the lawsuit part.

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