Dixie and Squirt (Part 5)

First of all allow me to apologize for making a mess of yesterday’s post. My ADHD does not seem to work well with my body odor and I fritzed the first page and didn’t post it. I caught the mistake this morning and corrected it. I think.

Anyway, if you read yesterday’s post and it seemed like you were walking in in the middle of a conversation- you were. Please try again.

March To Respect- One Man’s Struggle For Appreciation is making no headway. I smell so bad that I can’t even get the flies to land on me. I’m desperate to feel the touch of another living anything that I am actually disappointed that I can’t draw flies.

I’m pathetic.

I’ve been sleeping in the loft out to the barn and now all of the animals have moved out. Dixie said the milk cows told her we might as well burn it because they won’t go back inside. The big bison got pissed at me yesterday and started a run to butt me. I was preparing for the blow but he came to a skidding halt a few feet away. He snorted and shook the tears from his eyes a skulked away.

I am seriously ripe.

My new tactic is that I’m not going to sign any checks until I get the respect and appreciation I so richly deserve. Like my Gram always says, “Ya want their tention Mooner, hit um inna wallet.”

In this morning’s phoned-in psycho therapy session, Dr. Sam I. Am told me that real respect isn’t for sale. “Who gives a shit,” I told her. “I need a bath and some red meat.”

We’ll see how this works.

I got a call from Dixie so she could brag on how much progress Squirt is making to her language studies. If you recall, Dixie is teaching the little shitbird to talk and she’s using this method she developed. It’s this intensive immersion in multiple languages at the same time. We’re in the Beta testing stage with the Squirt.

Once we get the bugs out, I think we can get a contract with the State Department to sell them a license to use the teaching method. Anyway, Dixie is just all overjoyed and excited and wants to put Squirt on the phone to talk to me. I told her, “Put her on but she’s got to make it quick. I keep passing out every time I fart and I don’t want her feelings getting hurt if I lose it and don’t compliment her.”

Dixie said, “This is important Mooner. Keep your shit together.”

“Fine,” I said. “Put her on.”

I hear the phone rustling on the other end and then I hear, “Buenos dias, monsignor Mooner, ach tu lieber ich nacht un der underwear?” Then I hear the silly sounds of two dogs giggling and, “Nic nic shooooosh whoosshhh and so are you!” Then more dogs laughing.

“Very funny Squirt. You have learned to disrespect me in four human languages and if I’m remembering correctly, Japanese yew. Very clever, I’m just so proud of you,” I told her.

Whatthefuck. I’m paying for both ends of these lessons and they make fun of me. See what I mean about this respect business. However, I will not cave in and say something to strike back.

When they stopped laughing long enough to catch their breath, Dixie gets on and says to me, she says, “How about that bear’s ass boy? We got us a talking dog!”

That’s all I remembered when I woke up on the dirt floor of the barn. I was dreaming of honeysuckle and roses when Gram woke me up with her bullhorn. I must have passed out and fell face first with the phone still in my hand and hit a pile of horse apples. I’d been dreaming with a face full of horse shit.

Folks, I stink so bad that horse apples smell like honeysuckle and roses to me.

I need help. And a cold Carta Blanca beer.

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2 Responses to “Dixie and Squirt (Part 5)”

  1. uncencyvopy says:

    Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Christian, iwspo.net

  2. admin says:

    Thank you uncency.

    I appreciate you sticking around. I will do my best to keep on cooking.

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