Go Daddy Intimidates Mooner More Chelsea Handler Camel Toe Fights Sarah Palin

OK. We were discussing the word count police and my recent bloggie evaluations from Go Daddy when I so rudely left you yesterday. They basically told me to see what keywords you guys hit the hardest and design all of my content around that. And a bunch of other nonsense.

So….. that means everything I write must be about: Chelsea Handler, Kathy Griffin, Sarah Palin, Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh, pig, Rick Perry, ostrich, including their camel toes, sex, sex dreams, coming out parties, Carta Blanca Beer, plus Mooner’s homegrown tomatoes.

Notice I did all of that without putting any stop words in it.

Everything else is a waste, according to those fuckballs at Go Daddy. Actually, I like Go Daddy and have had frequent and quite lurid dreams about Danica Patrick. She reminds me of SAC Ellen in her solid sexual energy. Except the SACster is much taller and lighter in the hair and longer legs.

Then there would be the whole badge and gun thingie.

I had this one dream when we were to West Texas that night after we watched the Marfa Lights. In this dream, I was playing a game like Whack-A-Mole except that it was camel toes and the whacker was my tastefully dressed pecker. Sarah Palin kept cheating- she was grabbing the whacker and trying to make contact. I’m not a cheater at anything, so I kept asking her to let go of my whacker and to please just push her pocket meat to the mole hill assigned to her.

The ladies were all positioned behind the big game board in the manner of that old TV show Hollywood Squares. Each woman stood behind the game board that had a mole hill for her to proudly display her camel toe. I was in a harness and hanging from a bungy cord so I could bounce around and try to whack a toe to the surprise of the women. But like I say, Sarah Palin kept poking her arm through her mole hole to grab the whacker.

I was quite impressed with her hand strength. I guess pulling the trigger of a gun is an isometric hand strength exercise.

Anyway, Kathy and Chelsea get pissed because Kathy likes to win everything, and Chelsea has the hots for me. I’m older than Chelsea and I’m crazy to boot, so that makes me precisely her cup of tea. So, Kathy is bitching at Sarah Palin and Chelsea is seething at her and the next thing I know, it’s a cat fight. Chelsea attacks Sarah and Kathy somehow gets in the middle and the three of them are all rolling around and pulling hair and shit.

Reminded me of that cartoon character the Tasmanian Devil from back on the Bugs Bunny Show. There’d be this frenzy of fighting and it was like they were spinning in a big featureless ball, with dust and hair flying. Then it seemed they would all tucker out at the same time and just come to a dead stop- each of the three of them heaving and sweating. They’d catch their breath and then Kathy would get pissed again and Sarah would say something stupid and the spinning ball would start again.

Have I told you that I think a sweaty woman is sexy? In particular, I am enamored with beads of sweat in the soft hollow of a hot neck. But my ADHD is getting control of me and now I’m digressing something fierce.

As the other three go spinning around for maybe the fifth time, Danica Patrick says to Oprah, she says, “Why don’t you and I go interview Mooner. I’ve got a stun gun and Mooner’s got his whacker.”

Oprah said, “Let me zap him, Danny, I’ve always wanted to pop a man with one of these.”

Now me, I was hanging there from a bungy cord and I’m thinking to myself, I thought, “Danny? Is that her nickname?” And before I could process any additional information- “ZZZAAAAPPPP!!!”

I didn’t get into any real dream trouble because that’s when I woke up, and with quite the boner. It seems that I can just dream about tazer guns and get the desired erectile effects. Hell, just thinking about it in a daydream can do it too.

See, I was to the Sprouts Farmers Market there to the Arboretum the other day and they were stocking the shelves with a truckload of brand-fresh produce from down in the Valley. The Valley is our big commercial produce part of Texas. This time of year is when all the melons start to ripen along with the red peppers and zucchini and okra and stuff.

I was waiting for them to get everything out before making my selections, hanging out near the cantaloupes. The only thing that was a must get from my list was the okra. Everything else I just get what I need to supplement what we grow to home. Since Rush Limbaugh the pig rooted-up all of Gram’s okra patch out to the ranch, I have to buy it. And massive quantities today because Gram wants to can some with the jalapeños that just got really hot.

“Git me an tha P-cubed some okree, Mooner. It’s cannin day,” was my Gram’s instructions.

My Gram is a great canner. OK, actually it’s P-cubed, Gram’s best bud, who’s the head canner, and Gram is the canner’s head bitcher.

And lookie here- we just hit 850 words. Fucking word police.

I’ll stop right here with my first icy cold Carta Blanca beer of the day and conclude by telling you that Katelyn checked me out at Sprouts and told me she was sorry but, “I don’t have a computer so I haven’t read your blog yet.” Then she added, “I’m a little behind the computer age.”

Now me, I’m behind the computer age myownself, so I won’t take advantage of Katelyn and say stuff behind her back. But it’s too bad that she won’t read that I think she is a number-one Cracker Jack check outer guy for Sprouts, and one of my favorites. Maybe Santiago will let her use his computer.

I’m not happy with this stop-before-you-get-an-entire-thought-out bloggerating business. It feels unethical. Why don’t you guys tell me what you want and maybe I can make some adjustments. And click onto www.godaddy.com and ask them to leave me alone.

Manana, ya’ll.

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