Tag My Keywords, Fuck Your Word Count, Drink Carta Blanca Beer

So. Like I have been trying to tell you guys, the bloggie police are after me. I keep getting these warnings that I am making a complete mess of my webber and bloggie. The Blog Word Count Police have issued a warrant for my arrest and I think Go Daddy has hired a hit man to get me off their overloaded servers.

In my latest “Search Engine Visibility Notifications”, Go Daddy gave me failing marks on all ten of the top ten Search Engine Visibility check points. I think maybe that’s not a perfect score but I am having trouble determining why I want to fix my problems.

Let’s evaluate this report together, OK?

  1. They say, “All pages have title tag issues. Use the main keyword, less than 65 characters, only alpha-numeric, but no stop words like a, if, the, then, and, an, to, etc.” I say, “Hunh- WTF is that supposed to mean? The title is supposed to be an accurate description of what the title’s stuff is, so bite me.”
  2. They say, “Your pages have tag issues. Good tags have 25-35 words.” Again, I say, “Hunh- WTF? Speak English, por favor.”
  3. They say, “Your pages have keyword meta tag issues.” I say, “I went through all of that keyword shit when I thought they were keystones. I fixed this jobbie already.”
  4. They say, “You have heading tag issues. “ Again, “WTF, and who gives a shit?”
  5. They say, “You have content issues. Pages should have at least 200 words and never more than 700 words.” I say, “Who voted you king of word count? It takes me 300 words to determine my subject matter, and just so that you get things from my perspective- this writing right here just exceeded 300 words. If I start ending things at 700 words, I’ll never get anything said.”
  6. They say, “You have navigation issues. Spiders have difficulty getting around your site.” I say, “I think what Dustin has done should fix that.”
  7. They say, “You have a bad site map.” I say, “Please see response to number 6., above.”
  8. They say, “You have robot.txt file issues.” I say, “Fuck you and your right-wing Republican robots.”
  9. They say, “We want to repeat that you have significant word count and keyword density issues.” I say, “Leave me alone with the word count criticism for shitsakes. I have ADHD!”
  10. They say, “You are inappropriate, too inappropriate for the the vast majority of users.” I say, “Bite me. You must be Baptist or one of their puppets, a Republican. Please go away.”

Now, I don’t claim to be any kind of an expert on anything related to the I-net, so I likewise won’t claim to have any true idea of what to do with my latest evaluation. But it sounds like they want me to manipulate all of my stuff to attract their evil spiders and robots by performing misleading advertising. And also by selling you short on content.

Look, I’m a businessman and I want to be successful. I’m also a human being, so I want you to like what I’m doing here. But it sounds like they think that you guys are dumb shits and have no greater attention span than me. Hell, even I can pay attention for 300 words. And once I get started, I can read a 400-page book in about five hours.

Can’t tell you shit about what I read, but I can read every word.

Which is a major problem for me- the read-fast-can’t-remember-shit thingie, that is. See, I am all the time buying a book that I have already read. Usually the Publisher catches me by changing something on the book’s cover. I seem to be able to tell more about a book from its cover than reading the synopsis on the back, or even the first few chapters.

I mean, I’ll be down to the Barnes and Nobles looking for a few books and reading synopsises or synopsisissi or whateverthehell the plural of synopsis is (are?), and I pick up a book by a favorite author, like say JD Robb. The new book is an Eve Dallas story and I love Eve Dallas stories so I read the synopsis and maybe five chapters. I need to read quite a bit with JD Robb because her books are the ones I buy most.

“Nope,” I say to myself. “This one’s new.” And I buy it, take it home out to the ranch, and place it on one of the tables next to my several reading stations.

Then, a few weeks later, I sit with a cold Carta Blanca beer and open my new Evie Dallas book to the first page. I take a big swallow of beer and read the first three words and say to myself, I’ll say, “Shitballs, I’ve already read this one.”

Why is that? What is going on in my brain where I can’t remember I’ve read a book by reading 2,500 words, but three will hit my memory button after I buy the book a second time? Or even the fifth time.

Now, before you answer that, you need to realize that I’m at 895 words- felonious assault with overly-dense content. That could get me five-to-ten in the Internet slammer. So I say to you-

Manana.

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