Three Caitlins No Carta Blanca; Rick Perry, Puppet


So. I was up to Dallas on business yesterday and had to miss President Obama’s visit to Austin. I drove up, leaving Austin at 5 am, then had to drive back to Austin in time for a dinner appointment. The need to drive back made me miss the President’s late afternoon visit to Dallas as well.

Since the Dallas trip was on a legal matter, the loss of opportunity to see my President in the flesh was a deeper cut than otherwise. Now is not the time for me to speak about the state of our legal system other than to say, “God bless the American jury.”

I’m a Democrat in most all ways, and I consider our current President to be my President, both because he is President and because I voted for him. But even if the Republicans still held that lofty office, I would have wanted to see McCain in the flesh. Because he would be my President. We Americans don’t have many chances in life to get close to a President to pass on the chance if we have it.

Governor Perry showed up to the airport to greet the President as he departed Air Force One yesterday, and politely clapped. Little Ricky wasn’t there to meet our President, he was there for publicity sake. That’s simply what politicians do, so I am not taking a poke at him for that action.

What buggerates the ever-loving shit out of me is what he used his personal face time to accomplish. With all of the issues facing our fine state wherein the President might help, our Governor handed a Presidential aide a four-page letter about border security. Like border security is our biggest problem in Texas.

See why we named our stray ostrich Rick Perry?

What about the sorry state of Texas’ education financing, mental health initiatives and feeding our poor? Oh, that’s right, except to insure that creationism by God is the only concept taught in our schools, none of these issues are important to our Governor. Our right-wing religious puppet governor.

Border security would not be a problem in any state if we eliminated our country’s biggest problem- that self same puppeteer controlling little Ricky and his ilk. Remove right-wing religious influences from politics, and we have no border security issues. Stop treating pot smoking with the same logic as used to eliminate teen sex, and our borders become safer overnight. Stop using the same methods of control attempted with the Eighteenth Amendment, and allow adult Americans the right to choose their past times, and smugglers will stop killing people.

Then, our borders become safer in one instant. Then, the only real concerns we have with our borders are those of rational immigration.

Just like with Prohibition, when whiskey smugglers became ever more sophisticated by the day, the Mexican cartels are always two steps ahead of government’s clumsy efforts to stop them. When a drug cartel can afford to arm their soldiers with surface-to-air missiles, while we still have trouble providing protective armor for our troops overseas, the government will be behind by at least two steps.

And just like with Prohibition, government efforts fail because the American people don’t respect those efforts. When will religious zealots learn that you cannot legislate morality? You fuckballs can’t even control the morality of your own preachers, for shit sakes. Your leaders stand in their bully pulpits every Sunday telling me to not commit the same sins they committed last night. And last Thursday morning in room 216 over to the La Quinta Inn there to IH 35.

Who are you fucking kidding?

During Prohibition, religious leaders thought they could keep people from drinking by outlawing drink, therefore making drinkers criminals. All they needed was more patrol boats, more tommy guns and more officers to patrol our borders and root-out local moonshiners.

But those massive efforts failed to stop the American people from drinking because Americans want to drink, and don’t think it is criminal to do so. After a few years, Prohibition was stopped and happy days were here again.

Yet here we are, one more once, attempting to impose religious morals on the American people in a situation that is identical in almost every way to Prohibition. A large percentage of our population wants to decriminalize pot, and feels no obligation to obey those laws. Like moonshine, pot is easy and cheap to produce, and the growing problem is moving inside our borders. A $1 million bundle of pot is smaller than five-hundred-dollars worth of beer, so it is simple to hide and smuggle.

The profits generated from pot smuggling are more significant than the the taxes available to fund border security and other anti-pot operations. I’m not an economist, but I will bet you that you couldn’t stop Americans from smoking pot if you allocated 25% of every tax dollar from every taxing jurisdiction in the country to stopping it. The more pressure you put on large production operations, the smaller those operations will become. Next thing you know, we’ll have 35 million home-grow pot operations to bust. It’s a weed for shitsakes- anybody can grow it.

And then we’ll need 35 million new jail cells to house those hardened criminals. Prove me wrong.

You cannot legislate morality when your morals are unsound. You will not mold me to your views if I do not wish it. Anne Rice got it dead-on straight: right-wing Christianity has lost Christ.

And speaking of getting somebody to do something they don’t want to do. Hell, I can’t even get Vivo to carry Carta Blanca beer and you want everybody to stop smoking pot. Plus, I have real economic reasons for them to do so. I would go to Vivo more often, and spend more money there, and tip wait staffers named Caitlin, or Katelyn or even Katelin an even bigger percentage, if they would honor me with even a small selection of icy cold bottles of Carta Blanca.

I know they have reasons for not offering me my favorite cerveza, but they don’t make the moral attempt to stop me from drinking Carta Blanca somewhere else. That’s because they have a logical reason to deny me total satisfaction, not a religious one. I hope it’s a logical reason and they aren’t simply trying to keep me away.

And get this- my Vivo there to RR 620 has three wait staffers named Caitlin! Different spellings, but you catch my drifting. Thank God they don’t look the same or I’d be in deep shit. I’d be calling Caitlin Katelyn, and getting everybody all pissed off for nor reason. Last Friday, we met Caitlin for the first time, but Katelyn stopped by to say, “Hello.”

Caitlin told us, “I’ve never before met another person with my name in my life, then I come here and meet two. What’s up with that?”

Indeed, what is up with that? This Caitlin is a pretty brunette, not blond, and is a grad student studying political science, and moved here from Tulane, where she was an economics major. Those facts make her smart in my eyes. But when I asked her about working the nifty patio at Vivo in the stifling summer heat, she said, “I love it.”

I love a steam room too, but for maybe fifteen minutes at a whack. Our Caitlin, however, was working like crazy in that heat and didn’t show the first sign of it. Me, I’d been there to the patio for three minutes and my balls are calling for a life raft. I endure the heat since SAC Ellen also loves it there to the patio.

Anyway, we drank our tasty East Side Margaritas and had the California Nachos with smoky grilled chicken. Those are the SACster’s favorites, the ones with the tiny sprouts on them. And our appetizer was queso and Vivo’s fantastic chips and salsa.

Yummy!!! You can check Vivo out at

Manana, y’all.

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