John Kelso Spoils Mooner’s Post; No Problem


So. John Kelso beat me to the punch today. He wrote this piece for today’s Austin American Statesman about that silly fuckball down to Florida with the plans to burn Holy books. It was a good, clean read and it provided John’s typical veiled insights. At least they seemed veiled to me.

Some of you might think that John’s insights are cloaked. You know, insights wearing heavy winter coats. Me, I read him all the time, so maybe it’s my familiarity with his writing that sheds the bulky outer garments, leaving me to peek at his insights through flimsy, lace undies.

Speaking of lace undies, SAC Ellen modeled the new under garment line we’re debuting next spring. Streaker Jones developed this hemp and bamboo blended fabric that feels like a chamois. Looking at the SACster in a lavender push-up bra and matching bikini undies makes me glad I’m a man.

OK, a man who likes women. Wait. These undies are so sexy I might appreciate looking at that figure skater guy wearing them. What’s his name, Johnny Weir, I think.

I like how John writes, and let me say it again- I don’t know how he manages to express himself so well without ever getting inappropriate. He deals with many inappropriate subject matters, just like I do. But he never seems to be getting slapped by some sweet old lady for his views on the Baptist church. And I haven’t heard about him getting banned from a strip club because his grandmother started a fight. And got the place all busted up.

Doesn’t seem to get arrested like me either.

I also like John as a man, at least the man I think I know from reading him. I think we might share some traits that could provide a true commonality of interest. Of course the entire ADHD dealie can ruin any friendship. Takes a special person to put up with my shit.

Anyway, today’s posting was to be my thoughts about this weekend’s big book burning. But I won’t waste your time. All you need to do is read the John Kelso column in today’s newspaper. Add cursing, a few anti-right wing Christian rants, and use the matches to set fire to the pastor’s pompadour rather than light to a grill, and you have what I wrote.

I can’t let John do this to me anymore. It takes too much out of me to write this shit only to delete it when I open the paper and see Kelso’s sanitized version. Today’s original writing was 1,930 words and was a nifty take on the subject.

Maybe John and I could compare our schedules to each other’s. That way he won’t be disappointed when I file an expose on ass fistulas and ruin his 1,500 words on a sore bottom. Or maybe I’ll write about this one time I caught a case of the crabs down to Mexico and spoil his story about unspecified drippy body parts.

When I talked to Gram about it at breakfast, she says to me, she said, “Who gives a shit Mooner. Nobody reads yer posted toasters anyways.” She ate another bite of her huevos rancheros, then added, “Stop wastin yer time on that silly bloogie a yers. Do sumthin hepfull an find me that damned pig.”

Gram’s still got it in for Rush Limbaugh. He and the ostrich Rick Perry are hiding from her in my closet for the last couple of months. I told her, I said, “Look, Gram. With all of your church attendance, can’t you find it in your heart to forgive my pig? Can’t you be a bigger man than that asswipe Florida pastor?”

“I’ll forgive yer fuckin hog when he’s a sittin in tha middle a tha table with crunchy skin an a apple in his mouth. Him an that feather duster both.”

I hate to admit it, but I bet Rush would make a tasty roast pig. The ostrich is another thing altogether.

I need a cold Carta Blanca beer. I wonder if John Kelso drinks Carta Blanca. I bet he drinks one of those non-alcoholic beers, just to be safe.

Manana, y’all.

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4 Responses to “John Kelso Spoils Mooner’s Post; No Problem”

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    The world hopes for much more passionate writers like you who aren?ˉt scared to say how they believe. Always go best after your heart….

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    Thanks Rental. Being crazy has its benefits.

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