Mooner’s Rule For First Books- an Agent’s Dream Come True


So. The more I rewrite on my book, the more deep level thinking I’m doing about the publishing industry. Before writing a book and attempting to get it into print, I thought this was a pretty simple dealie. A, B, C- ,1,2,3 and voilà, I’m a published author.

Wrong-o Chuckie. Nothing is simple in publishing, everything is brutally difficult. I’m just now discovering the true difficulties in writing a book as I rewrite. Beginning to understand editing, and readability, and Fourth Walls, and tense breaks and shit has been an eye opener.

And finding an agent is a bitch. I didn’t get that, really get that, until I read a Tweet from an agent who lamented that she receives dozens of queries a day. At a thirty-page average, that’s 360-pages of reading per dozen. If she got only one dozen in a 24-hour period, she would need to read a book every day before she had the time to do anything else.

Helps explain all of those unanswered queries.

Then we have editors. What a thankless fucking job that must be.

“Here it is,” I told my editor. “This won’t take you long.”

“But, Mooner,” she started, “I know how you think. This won’t be simple.”

I hate to admit it, but she’s right. It doesn’t matter how funny and interesting I think I am, I first must be funny and interesting, and then I must be capable of communicating that to a reader.

Of course, all of you professional publishing types are saying, “Well fucking duh!”

I know you are. Then you’re thinking, “Yea, dumbass, and what about cover design, layout, marketing strategy, interior print design and the title?”

Ugh, I hate my working title. I used to love it but now I hate it. “I’m Not That Crazy, or How Oprah Winfrey Almost Ruined my Life” is my working title. An incredibly accurate and descriptive title for the book that follows.

To quote my editor, she says to me, “Are you fucking kidding me with this title?”

She went on to tell me that first, I am too that crazy, and second, how can I say that about Oprah when she is one of my heroes.

“You read the book, so you know how it happened,” I told her politely.

“Don’t snark at me, Mooner. Just because a lunatic tries to ruin your life after watching Oprah’s TV show, that does not connect those dots. You can’t blame Oprah.”

“I said almost, for shitsakes.”

“Yes,” she replied, “and you said ‘not that crazy’ as well.”

Look, here’s what I’m thinking. I think that we need a rule for new writers that I want to call Mooner’s Rule For First Books.

Simply put, my rule states that every writer must self publish his first book; only published authors may send queries to agents; this rule applies to celebrities and public figures as well.

Genius, right?

I just need to figure out how to get it implemented. Going to need help with that. Carta Blanca beer might do the trick.

Manana, y’all.

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