Rename Sandra Contest Day 2; I Think I’m Better


So. We’re but a few hours into the first day of our contest to re-name Sandra, and you guys are amazing. I remain unsure, at this point, why you are amazing, but you are amazing none the less.

Entries to date include: Samantha, Bruce (3 entries), Sandie, Grace, Hortensia (even after I told you it was rejected), Ninja Butt Operation Girl, and my personal favorite- Gladys.

Now that this thing has gotten some legs on it, I guess I’d better work out some arrangements with Sandra to see how to pick a winner. Does she get to choose her new name, will we have another contest and let readers vote the best selection, or do I simplify things and use my autocratic tendencies and just make my choice?


The dealing of with, which are not my best attribute.

Holy shit was that an awkward sentence structure.

Allow me to try again. I have ADHD, and one of the many symptomatic tendencies of its sufferers is the inability to pay attention to details. Fact is, the paying of any kind of attention is the major symptomatic tendency.

Like the instructions that come packaged with a replacement fluorescent light fixture to go in the master vanity area over to Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson’s house. A made in Indonesia replacement fixture.

Here’s the back story. For you non-authors, a back story is history on a person or event that provide a foundation for understanding a character’s actions, or the importance of an event.

So. I was in therapy last month, and I was bragging about how much better I have been feeling, even though I haven’t been feeling so hot.

Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson says to me, she said, “Oh for shit sake, Mooner. Are you telling me that you feel better because you’re crazier, or are you saying you’re crazier because you feel better?”

I hate when she gives me complex questions and any of my answers is going to end badly for me.

“Neither,” my smart reply. “All I’m saying is that even though I can’t concentrate on anything, I feel like I’m concentrating better.”

She seemed ready to laugh- her face got all screwed up like when your child says something they think highly serious and profound, and you’re ready to bust a gut laughing. Sam gives me this look often in therapy.

Once she composed her features, Sammy said to me, she says, “OK, Mooner. Let’s put that insight of yours to a test.”

Then she tells me she needs a new light fixture in her vanity area, and gave me the make and model number. “They carry it in stock at Lowes. If you can get it installed anytime before Thanksgiving, without an electrician, I’ll give you a free session.”


I’ll do most anything to save $150.00, so I go to Lowes but forgot the paper with the model number, so I bought the fixture I thought best. That didn’t work out so well so I went back with the paper.

“How does this dealie work?” I asked the helpful Lowes electrical partner.

“Simple, Sir. You just snap a few parts in place and install it.”

Now if I truly was better, I’d have known to unpack that fucking light fixture right there in the store, and make the little snivel shit assemble it for me. Being delusional, I thanked him for his help, paid for my purchase and headed to Dr. Sam’s place.

Squirt greeted me as I unlocked the garage door and punched in the alarm code. “Salamu, willcommen and bienvienda Senor Mooner.”

“And a big hello to you my mixed breed cupcake.”

Squirt asked me what was on our agenda for the day and I said, “This light fixture, kid. You wanna help?”

Of course she did, but we decided to have lunch first. We relocked and alarmed the house, and I put the light fixture away and out of Sam’s sight. I was determined to surprise her with my accomplishment.

Anyway, we went to What-A-Burger where I had a Number One Combo, with a Coke. Squirt had a breakfast taco, a bacon cheese burger combo, and a fish sandwich. I had to refill her Dr. Pepper three times before she finished.

Since I was feeling so well, and good too, we decided to go fishing. I carry everything required for a fishing trip in each of my vehicles, so we headed straight to the lake. Our only stop was to fill the cooler with ice and Carta Blanca beer.

Look, I’ve got to make some phone calls. Manana, y’all.

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2 Responses to “Rename Sandra Contest Day 2; I Think I’m Better”

  1. I have a little discomforting question. I aware with the fact that the blue little pill that I’m using is not good for the kidneys and not good for your health whatsoever. A a small number of years ago, I was unafraid, but today that’s not the situation. Anytime when I use it, I feel a fear…. I’m asking myself from time to time, why there’s no such thing for females? :)) Thus, you’re my chance – what to do now?! I’m asking for me and for all my male-friends. Thank you ahead of time, I have a preference to not to discover my real name.

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