Sarah Palin Flashes Wang; George Takei Says Oh My!

 

So. I had another memorable dream last night, another camel toe dream. Another celebrity camel toe dream where I’m a judge at a contest.

This one was unusual in that the contestants were both women born as women, and women by choice of lifestyle. Of the naturally born women, we had Sarah Palin, Chelsea Handler, Kathy Griffin and Oprah- you know my usual lineup in these dreams. Newcomers included Cher, Kim the Atlanta housewife and Lindsay Lohan.

The remaining contestants were lifestyle by choice girls, none of whom are known to me. For some reason this dream was not populated with any local drag queens, a fact that needs to be discussed in depth at my next psycho therapy session.

Squirt was the emcee for the show, a show in itself.

“Karibu kila mtu… Willcommen ein und alles. It’s so good to see all of you aqui en la Oficina General de la Armadillo del Mundo.”

Me, I was thinking that maybe it should have been, “la Oficina Central del Mundo de la Armadillo,” but like Gram says, “Who gives a shit Mooner. Folks all knowed she was talkin bout tha Armadilla World.”

I remember the first time I attended a concert there. It was Bette Midler, the Divine Miss M. She was there with The Harlettes, and Barry Manilow was her piano player. I love her early albums and that was a great concert. Of course, the Armadillo World Headquarters was torn down years ago.

Fucking progress.

After Squirt welcomed everyone and introduced we judges, she announced the swimsuit competition. “Cuminciamo festeggiamenti di stasera with the Badenzug Wettbewerb.”

George Takei and I are the judges and I think appropriately so. I’m drinking Carta Blanca beer and George is sipping from a glass of blood-colored wine. All of the contestants are working the runway and striking poses to best display their pocket meat. But George and I are too involved in our discussion over what guidelines to use for judging to be doing any judging.

“Look, Mooner,” George starts. “I have a problem giving equal credit for a wang toe as I do the true camel toe.”

“I don’t see why,” I responded. “A toe is a toe, if you ask me.”

“But the boys have a chance to manipulate things in ways the girls do not.”

I tried to figure what George meant, so I asked. “What do you mean, George?”

“Well, Mooner.”

Let me stop here and say that when George says my name, it tingles my danglies. That rich, round robust sound of his voice is very sexy.

“Well, Mooner, a man can arrange his things in multiple ways. Manipulate his package presentation, if you will.” He said “manipulate” and “well” like they were the most important words in the English language.

So, I fumbled around in my pants, and using my pecker as a centerline, wedged my balls into a camel toe shape. When I pulled my white hemp fabric undies tight in the front, George said, “Oh my!”

I think that I am in dream love with George Takei. We don’t ever have dream sex or anything ribald, but I always have the sense of deep affection for him.

Anyway, after looking at my experimental camel toe, I bow to George and we decide to give the women a 17% point premium to square the curve.

We have an uneventful contest through the preliminaries and choose our finalists. Squirt announces that Sarah Palin and Chelsea Handler will rep the naturals, and that Paula Softstone will represent manipulated-meat.

I didn’t want to let Palin into the finals based upon principle alone, but George convinced me otherwise. “Be a bigger man, Mooner. It’s got some cottage cheese, but it’s still a honey.”

Then Sarah and Chelsea start fighting, like they always do in my dreams, ripping at each others’ clothing. Chelsea grabs Palin by her bikini bottom and tugs it off.

“Boing!” was the sound, and “Gasp!!!” was the crowd reaction. Turns out that the manipulated meat faction had two representatives.

“Oh my!” George said. Then he laughed that hilarious chuckle of his. “She’s got quite a wang!”

That’s when I woke up, so I can’t tell you who won.

Manana, y’all.

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