Squirt OK’s Human Use Of Pee-Mail; Won’t Trademark Word


So. I’ve never been much impressed by brand new technologies upon my initial exposures to them. When I first saw an Atari machine for sale, I poo-poo’d all over it. “That’s the stupidest thing I ever saw,” I remember remarking. “Nobody is going to sit in front of a TV screen and play pretend games by pushing buttons on a remote control box.”

I felt the same way about fuel injection systems for cars. The earliest were terrible maintenance problems, so my early prediction was true for a few years. “Only rich fuckers with their own mechanics and a personal tow truck will buy a fuel injected car. Give me a duel Holly 350 setup and I’m set for life.”

Now it’s me with the mechanical problems with the duel Holly 350 setup on my old GTO. If I don’t drive it often enough, it gets all screwed up. Difficult starts and flooded stalls are common now.

And computers. I’m still not sure that computers are here to stay or if they’re a good idea in the first place. Ever since the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, I have doubted the intelligence of letting machines think for us. Artificial intelligence will come into practical use long before artificial souls even make a debut.

Brilliance without a soul is Society’s most potent threat.

In spite of my reluctance to embrace new technologies, I am a huge supporter of renewable or recycled products, and I’m especially enamored with new uses for stuff that we take for granted.

Since it’s Christmas Eve, I promised myself that I would get to my point with minimum digressions today, so here’s the deal. Several bloggie readers contacted me to tell me how clever I am. “You are so clever,” this one told me. “You invented a new word and a social convention as well. That “pee-mail” story you wrote was so very clever and creative.”

“Thanks,” I responded, “but I was playing the role of simple reporter in that story. Squirt made up the moniker “pee-mail”, which she tells me was her dressing-up of the dog word for “urine-based communication system”.

That intrigues me, so I quizzed the Squirt about this system. I’m not going to attempt to quote her here because she’s pissed at me for not giving her any of the bacon I fried for my lunch BLT. Her pissiness resulted in a the most disjointed conversation I’ve ever had. I made her sit at the computer with me while I had Google translator on the screen. She was speaking in all the romance languages plus Greek, Lithuanian, Swahili (my personal favorite), Hindi, and others.

Basically, here’s the deal. Dogs have always had a sophisticated system of smells that they use to communicate with each other. We humans have long misinterpreted their squats and leg hikes as simply the stupid dog marking his or her territory.

They’ve been laughing at us for years.

In one of her more understandable sentences, Squirt told me, “Sie sind Menshen so dumm, Bwana Mooner. Los perros han estado comunicado por los postales orinas durante anos.”

“OK,” I responded, “humans are dumb and dogs have been pee-mailing each other for forever.”

“Ya, we have. Gimme some jamon.” Now she’s sitting like a little beggar.

“No bacon for you, dumpling. You’re a pound overweight and that’s ten-percent too much. I’ll give you a carrot and a green bean, but no pork products.” I wish I could exert this much control over my own eating habits.

Anyway, I mightily impressed with dogs and I was already mightily impressed with dogs. This pee-mail dealie existed since before we people had any sort of speech other than grunts and threats. I asked Squirt if she wanted to trademark the name.

“Nope,” she answered. “Feliz Navidad, humanos estupidos. Just remember where you got it.”

And please remember what this holiday is all about. Family, good friends, good food and cold Carta Blanca beer.

Merry manana, y’all.

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3 Responses to “Squirt OK’s Human Use Of Pee-Mail; Won’t Trademark Word”

  1. Whitney says:

    Haha, you’re pretty funny. Nice blog!


  2. Whitney says:

    Haha, you’re pretty funny. Nice blog!

  3. admin says:

    Thanks for noticing. Stay tuned for more!

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