Maybe The Pope Consults With Rick Perry; A Mooner Insight


So. Sometimes it hurts to be right. Today’s Austin American Statesman newspaper provided corroborative evidence that my recent visit from God really happened. Today’s paper provides proof positive that my foreshadowing skills are both highly accurate, and bothersome.

At His recent visit to Moonerland, God, Who would now be confirmed to be the One, the Only– actual God, told me that I need to keep doing what I’m doing; that Streaker Jones, Squatlo and I are part of some bigger plan; that Carta Blanca beer has been granted His Seal of Approval; and that Texas Governor Rick “Little Ricky” Perry is a fuckball.

He also told me to start capitalizing all my references to Him, which is the only thing He told me that was confusing. Like in the sentence that started the last paragraph. Should I have said, “The One, The Only,” with capital Ts on my the-s? I thought about a simple solution and that was to just capitalize every-fucking thing in a sentence wherein He is mentioned. Looked silly when I did it that way.

I also worry that He will be pissed at me for cussing in the same sentences in which He is mentioned. Then again, He said, “Fuck Rick Perry,” and he made a Wonderella joke during His brief visit. I certain that my God has a sense of humor and can take a joke as well as make one.

I have always thought that visits from God were imaginary events conjured from the minds of crazy people. Like Joan d’ Arc. I still think she was a total nut job, but I’m also starting to give the benefit of a doubt as to whether He actually visited her with advice to smite some ass for the Catholic Church.

I know I’m crazy and I know God came to sit with me, but I’m not all that crazy like Joanie. And holy shit am I digressing.

Let’s get back to today’s paper. Yesterday I predicted that the first things to be butchered in the attempt to balance our Texas state budget would be education, health care and social programs. Today’s headline: “Spartan budget plan calls for broad cuts. Public school funding, financial aid, and health care would take big hits.”

I hate being right sometimes.

Now remember folks, Little Ricky has been telling the Devil Obama in DC that Texas doesn’t need a nationalized health care plan because we got it handled here to home. What he didn’t bother to say is that his way to handle it is to ignore it to make the problem go away. What health care problem? I don’t got no stinking health care problem.

Ricky, listen to me son. Ignoring problems will not make them go away. Thirty years of psycho therapy have provided me with at least that limited insight.

But enough already with the Texas politics. Let’s talk about the Holy Roman Catholic Church. My position for years has been that the Vatican has been hiding and protecting priest rapists behind their mommy’s flowing robes. I have always thought that the Pope(s) have provided safe haven to the bastards as a matter of policy.

I have been harassed and threatened by Catholics for spreading false and impure ideas about their blessed religion. As with my Texas budget prediction above, today’s paper has proved me spot-on one more once.

“Vatican warned bishops not to report abuse cases,” is the story lead. The article started, “A 1997 letter (written by Pope John Paul’s diplomat to Ireland) warned Irish bishops not to report suspected child-abuse cases to police…”

The article went on to say that the letter threatened bishops who ignored the policy to only handle cases of child rape by their clergyman with in-house policy. Policy violators would be “highly embarrassed” by the Vatican.

Once more, a religion places itself above the law. Isn’t that the causal foundation for the Dark Ages and the Inquisition?

Me, I sort of view some of this shit like a modern day Inquisition. Shitballs are murdering “non-believers” in the name of their Gods, other shitballs are legislating by rule of their right-wing religious belief systems, and the Catholics continue to be Catholic.

I much preferred President Clinton’s rule under the influence of blow jobs to any religious influenced politics. How many wars have been started by men routinely getting their pipes cleaned by willing, comely young lasses?

I’m out of steam. Manana, y’all.

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6 Responses to “Maybe The Pope Consults With Rick Perry; A Mooner Insight”

  1. squatlo says:

    I’ve never understood why Vatican concerns trump our own laws against pedophilia. We ought to have a thousand priests and bishops in prisons all over this country, with twice that many in the system headed that direction. Instead, we have a shell-game of moving diocese to diocese to avoid prosecution (while subjecting more victims to fall prey to the protected).

    Bah… Mooner, You’ve ruined a good buzz, dammit. I was sitting here with my second kahlua/bailey’s/Grand Marnier on ice, feeling all warm and fuzzy about life, happy with the universe, and now I’m foaming at the mouth in mid-rant, ready to pitch a brick at someone in a cassock.

    Way to go…

  2. Streaker Jones says:

    Mooner. I’ve known you forever. You I trust. Are ya sure ya trust the Squatter? He seems smart, but so did that Catholic fella that sneaked up on ya. Want me ta background him?

  3. admin says:

    Sorry Squat. Maybe the sugar overload from the girly drinks makes you cranky. I think a thousand is a low number.

  4. admin says:

    Streaker Jones- it’s OK. SAC Ellen ran him though the systems at Homeland Security and he vetted fine. Subversive, irreverent and inappropriate. Our kind of guy.

  5. squatlo says:

    Can I get a copy of the report? I’ve always wanted to FOIA my own ass…

  6. admin says:

    I’ll talk to the SACster and see what I can do, but no promises. Might swell your ego and re-light any of your boilers currently sitting off-stream. Wouldn’t be good to put you into DEFCON 5. I’ve got a love/hate relationship with mine, but thirty years of psycho therapy help smooth the rough edges.

    I just realized why I make so many typos. Might it be my two-cramped-fingers-with-bloodied-nails-and-catatonic-stare-at-the-keybord typing style?

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