Mooner Solves Chinese Productivity Mystery; MS Vista Still Sucks


So. I think my Wonderella crisis has passed, for now. But the Nookie Parade is still passing me by. I’m too entangled with my so far feeble attempts to work the computer’s edit functions, and finish my book, to have any time to devote to love. Or sex.

I had my computer guy out last night to fix it for me. He can fix anything in the entire operate-your-computer-and-get-it-to-do-shit arena. Ben has fixed every problem I have ever dropped into his lap, most of which have been of the operator error variety. Ben has managed to overcome every mangling of software and hardware alike, until now.

After five minutes of intense effort, Ben had sweat dripping from his brow and sarcasm dripping from each word. At the 45-minute mark of his technological ministrations, he said, “My God, Mooner, you can fuck a computer to hell and back with the simple act of turning it on. But this is one of your masterpieces.”

But at the one-hour-fifty-two-minute mark, Ben says to me, he said, “I apologize, Mooner. This one’s not on you.”

Then he cussed and keystroked for eight more minutes, closed all of the sixty-three application software programs he was using, and shut my nearly-new HP off.

“All right, Ben. You fixed it!” I exclaimed. “I knew I could count on you.”

“Didn’t fix shit,” he told me, “I’m giving up.”

Ben never gives up.

“Ben, you never give up.” Ben never gives up.

“Well, I never say, “never,” and I’ve never been beaten, but you’re never going to complete your edit of that book on this computer.” When Ben said, “this computer,” he sounded more disgusted at my hardware than any woman has ever been.


“But there must be a solution. I’ve got to get this editing done so I can go to print.”

Ben looked ashamedly at the floor, and said to me, “Mooner, the only solution I see to this problem is a quart of cleaning solution and a wooden match. A pint might do the trick, but you wouldn’t want to just wound or maim this fucker in the fire. You want to toast it.”

“Wha-wha-what?” I stammered, “That computer is just a year old.”

Yea, but you bought-in to the that whole MS Vista bullshit. I told you to wait until they did something new, but…”

I interrupted his tongue lashing while it was still in first gear. “I know, I know. I’m not blaming you.”

He refused my check for payment for his services by saying, “Consider my bill as the down payment on your new computer.” Then he left me to ponder my miseries.

Since I ponder miseries best while seated on the crapper, I grabbed the latest Card Player Magazine and went to the pot. I was reading a story about one of the many Asian players enjoying success at professional poker, and that made me think of how strong China has become in the world economy. That got me to thinking how I keep hearing about how the Chinese work force is so much more productive than we Americans, and I wondered why.

I finished the magazine maybe ninety minutes later, utilized the ever-present box of baby wipes that populate each bathroom I inhabit since my ass operations, then I properly washed my hands and headed to the kitchen to reload.

I popped the top of an icy-cold Carta Blanca (utilizing one of the several antique beer keys in my collection and, thereby, avoiding what I can only call “Squatlo disorder”, and removed the cap from the bottle and no flesh from my hand in a feeble attempt to twist-off an old-fashioned beer cap), took a big glug of my favorite brew, and parked my carcass on a stool at the granite-topped island counter.

As I raised the bottle to my lips for a second glug– it hit me.

“Son… of… a… bitch!!! Sonofabitch!!” I was shouting out loud. “I get it. I know why the Chinese are so fucking productive.”
Do you, dear readers get it? Have you been thunderstruck with the same incredible enlightenment as me?

They don’t have porcelain commodes anywhere in China other than in those water closets frequented by westerners as a matter of design. Nope, they don’t– been there, and done it the Chinese way. In China, you can’t sit on a China throne and play King for an hour.

No-siree-Bob, your typical Chinaperson shits in one or two ways. They squat, always, and do the deep-knee-bend bowel evacuation exercise while squatted over either a hole in the floor, or a narrow dirt trench.

A man cannot read the paper and waste 16.987% of his awake lifetime sitting on the pot reading the Sports Section. Like I say, been to China, tried it. After fifteen minutes squatted down and looking at the USA TODAY- China Edition, I couldn’t feel my feet and had to call for help to wipe my ass and stand back up.

“Oh, my God!!!” I said aloud, again. “I’ve had an original thought!!! I need to call someone.”

Nobody answered my calls since it was 2 am. So, I napped and set an early alarm. I’ve opened my first Carta Blanca of the day, not for need but rather for historical accuracy, and I’m going to begin calling around to spread the word. I’ll start with Streaker Jones, the the Squatster, then Squirt and follow with Wonderella.

It’s gonna be a great day. Man do I feel good! Manana, y’all.

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13 Responses to “Mooner Solves Chinese Productivity Mystery; MS Vista Still Sucks”

  1. squatlo says:

    Mooner, your epiphanies are certainly fun to read about, but I have doubts as to their actual significance. Are you suggesting (and that’s a loaded question) that America would be 16.987% more efficient and productive if we removed toilets from our homes and places of business and replaced them with HOLES IN THE FUCKING FLOOR? Mooner, dear man, please take your Poker for Dummies book back into your crapper and give this another 16% of your day. Not only would Americans be LESS productive with that solution, they’d have to spend an additional 16% of their work day cleaning up the mess that didn’t hit the hole.
    Think about it… you’ve been in a public restroom and seen the splatter marks on the walls and floors around the urinals, right? Hell, from listening to you, I imagine you can find the same kind of proof of inaccuracy right there in your own bathroom… (I’m seeing a piss dribbled copy of the 2010 Texas Longhorn Media Guide lying under similarly splattered issues of “Juggs” or “Animal Husbandry Monthly” beside your throne) If a man can’t hit a huge urinal target with a pecker while LOOKING DIRECTLY AT THE TARGET, what makes you think he’ll find a hole in the floor while dropping turds BEHIND HIS BACK?
    And if sacrificing my only sanctuary of peace and quiet is necessary for us to regain our status as most busy nation, you can keep the honor over there in Bejing. I’d rather have the porceline potty than a Ferrari, and that’s a fact. Given a choice between crapping into a hole at floor level for the rest of my days in exchange for an Italian sports car, I’d keep the seat.

    I believe you were thinking more clearly when Wonderella had you perplexed.
    Sorry about your Kompooter Problems. Nothing (and I mean nothing) makes me crazier than a computer that won’t cooperate.
    Here’s a youtube link you need to watch right fucking now:

  2. admin says:

    Squat. If my feet were not so firmly-planted as they are in my separate reality, you would be a total fucking buzz kill. Instead, the only buzz your ruling class grammer and densely-layered prose emits, is the buzz of a fly, and it only near the ointment. Most of your inflamed rhetoric needs no comment.

    I will say, however, that a man’s ability to hit a hole bears a direct correlation to his desires to hit same. My thought is that a man will be more careful after he shits on his own feet the first time.

    I hope that your weather turns nice soon. I fear you have been cooped up too long. Have you taken any pretty pictures lately?

  3. squatlo says:

    You obviously haven’t taken the video link and watched Eddie Izzard’s take on computer troubles… write when you do.

  4. admin says:

    EI is one of the funniest men alive. My usual is to not plug it in.

  5. Whitney says:

    Don’t they have fancier toilets in China? Like, you would actually spend MORE time on the pot and having MORE time to learn stupid trades that are only profitable in America? I think I actually need a better toilet.

    In order to leave you this comment, I have to type the word “poople.” It’s all kind of ironic.

  6. admin says:

    Irony is my middle name. Mooner’s the name, irony is my game. I think Chairman Mao taught them to think in teams– independent thought was discouraged. That’s the major oriental logic on the no bowls dealie in the first place.

    When are you going to post something new on your site? I’d love to give you a shout out here.

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