There’s A Dick In My Predictions; Grumble, Grumble

 

So. Sometimes I hate when I get things right. I often wish that my views on a subject were totally wrong. I wish that I could get right the stuff I want to get right, and be oh-so-wrong on the other stuff.

But, alas, my ADHD-addled mind basically bats .500. My won-loss record is a 50/50 sort of dealie when I want to be right. I know Sarah Palin would see me as having an admirable record, but that’s little comfort for even a prattle-brain like me.

But lately I’m batting a thousand on my Texas political predictions. I’ve been trying to warn everyone about Little Ricky Perry and his band of brothers for years. For some reason my less than stellar overall batting average reaches Hall of Fame numbers when evaluating the motives of that little fuckball, Texas Governor Perry.

I feared that he would use the massive $27 billion state budget shortfall as an excuse to further punish our citizens, and tried to warn everyone a few days ago. Well, cut my social programs and call me Nostradamus, I was right.

Dammit, I was right.

First, in a head fake to make us look away from the black hole in our state’s treasuries, the little man announced his important emergency legislation requiring a woman to become intimate with her fetus before she aborts it. Like how about we make the Executioner down to Huntsville State Prison blow each condemned man before pushing the button. Clear headed law making at its best.

Now, the boy’s next step is to eliminate all financial aid to freshman college students when those programs are cut by 41%. You heard me right– a forty-one-per-cent cut. For those of you with teenagers, you know how you’ve been pushing your kids to do their best and get into the top ten percent of their class so they can go to college as the big reward? Grab your panties Sarah, because that program is looking at a 79% reduction.

Yesterday, in my pissy rant about Little Ricky’s abortion bill, I asked where all of the stupid fucks have come from who keep electing an egomaniacal moron such as the Rickster. I just figured it out.

We’re breeding and brainwashing them right here to home.

Never have I wished Squatlo to be more wrong about something than when he calls Texans the worst, as a group, of America’s right-wing religious zealots. I’m sad and embarrassed and angry that he is spot-on right.

But I’ve seen this issue with a new clarity as the sun has risen over the Lone Star State this morning. I now understand what Rick Perry and his bunch are up to. Here is my new thought.

Let me ask a question, the question I asked myself that started me to clarity’s door. If you were Rick Perry, what is the one thing you can do to strengthen and perpetuate your iron-fisted grip on our state’s voters?

My answer: make them dumber and dumber.

Force them to read school books that teach your mystical world views ahead of reality-based facts. Cut higher educational support for our brightest minds. Push teen motherhood and school dropouts.

“If you’re so fucking smart little girl, go git you a education up to New York or one a them other communist states. Go be a burden somewhere’s elst.”

That’s his message.

When I was a kid we had a joke about Oklahoma: What happens when a moron moves from Texas to Oklahoma? The IQ goes up in both states.

I doubt it was true when I was a kid, but I thought it a funny joke. It pains me to my soul to say it, but if the moron moved back to Texas today– I’d feel better about my state’s community intellect. That’s no joke.

And don’t go getting all word-police on my ass about the moniker “moron”. I never use moron to describe a person of accidentally-diminished capacities. I’m speaking of the morons who choose to be so.

The scariest part of this situation is this. I can tell you exactly what Rick Perry and his supporters are thinking. You ready?

“Oh goody, a $27 billion budget deficit. Now we can cut every social program by as much as we want. Anybody got some Cuban cigars?”

Fuck Rick Perry!

Drink Carta Blanca beer. Manana, y’all.

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11 Responses to “There’s A Dick In My Predictions; Grumble, Grumble”

  1. squatlo says:

    I’m not sure I ever said Texas had the worst of the religious zealots, Mooner. I’ve been to Alabama a couple of times, and you’d be hard pressed to out-stupid Alabama. And if you were here in Murfreesboro, Tn during the anti-mosque initiative I kept writing about you’d have seen some genuine mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers toting misspelled signs through town while they sang “Gimme That Old Time Religion” ala Inherit the Wind. After all, Inherit the Wind was written about the Scopes Trial, which was held about an hour from here in a courthouse that is now listed on the Historical Registry because it was such an epic clusterfuck of stupid. You’ve got some trolls down there, no doubt, and it seems like you’ve sent most of them to Austin to run your state government, and the rest to DC to fuck up the rest of the country… but don’t sell middle Tennessee or ANY part of Alabama short when it comes to drooling idiots.
    Hey, the difference between religious people and sane people is pretty easy to find: THEY CAN’T TAKE A FUCKING JOKE!

    Rick Perry’s a tool. I hope that cowboy wannabe stays in Austin and doesn’t bring his dog and pony act to Washington. The rubes would eat him up and we’d be looking at a Perry/Palin administration.

    Oh god, I think I just shit myself. What a thought…! I’m getting a shot of Cuervo, I don’t care if it IS 10AM…

    btw, the capcha words I have to type in are “ostraint woodstock,” thought you’d want to know.

  2. WTF? I have commented a buttload of times on your fucking website and the shit never shows up. Mooner, your site blows. I even professed my love for you yesterday after your eloquent diatribe about your gub’ner. Now, I revoke it.

    And Squat – we’re neighbors. I’m right here in the ‘Boro too. That mosque shit is ridiculous. People slay me. Good “tolerant” Christian (BAPTIST) folks…

  3. admin says:

    Reck. I don’t understand the problem, it’s weird. Sometimes they show and other times not. My computer guy is researching the prob. I responded, “Ditto,” to your profession of love.

    Please don’t leave me.

  4. Sy says:

    Wow.. well I think I like you mooner but I dont wanna come between you and reck.

    I don’t know much about the political situation in Texas but it seems to mirror the situation all accross the US. Stupid decisions made by closeminded people.

    – Sy

  5. admin says:

    Sy, you sexy devil. I think I’d make a mighty fine foam on a Sy/Reck black and tan. But the Reckster’s pissed at me due to technical difficulties. Do you have any super powers? I mean besides that whole strong black woman thingie that makes my mouth dry.

  6. Whitney says:

    I was all excited to leave you a comment, but now I feel like I can’t because I know nothing about Texas politics. Maybe I’ll Google it.

    Whitney

  7. Sy says:

    I’m pretty awesome at being invisible… I’m doing it right___________

  8. […] BREACKING NEWS: One of Nostradamus predictions just happened in Romania at Black See. For more on this read: http://moonerjohnson.com/2011/01/theres-a-dick-in-my-predictions-grumble-grumble/ […]

  9. admin says:

    Thanks for the info. Mooner Johnson– predicting the news.

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