ADHD/ADD Causes Obsessive/Compulsive-Nessess; I R Nuts


So. It’s official. I am a certified, total and COMPLETE nincompoop. I need to buy a branding iron the says, “This Man is a Nincompoop!” Brand my forehead, my back, both arms and my ass.

That way, I walk up to you at the store you tell your kids, “Don’t talk to that man, Sally.” Then Sally says, “Why not mommy. He looks nice.” (I make a good first impression on ladies of all ages)

Mommy answers back, “Well, Sally, Mr. Johnson here, is a total FUCKING nincompoop. Now stand behind me while I dial 911.”

I R CrAZy.

OK, here’s the deal. And don’t worry Squatlo, I didn’t screw it up with SAC Ellen. Yet. [again] This one has to do with my ADHD stuff and my self imposed [yet clinically diagnosed] obsessive/compulsive disorder.

See, I use compulsives and obsessions to control my distractions.

If you have the ADHD and/or its little brother, ADD, one of the many problems you encounter with life is forgetfulness. I forget shit. I forget shit that I: promised to do; want to do; plan to do; am required to do; and that I am expected to do.

I forget to remember that I have ADHD and read a contract only the one time before I sign it. Then I read it again when I get home and discover that I bought a ten-year extended warranty on a chicken baster. I’m supposed to read anything I sign thirty times before signing it. Reading contracts is a perfect example of why I need compulsives.

As a younger man, I discovered that if I would routinize my routines I could better control what I didn’t do.

OK, I said that exactly as I meant to, but it sounds awkward. Try this. When I make schedules and checklists and organize and number shit, I can sometimes follow those organizational efforts, and perform the stuff I do often with minimal fuck-ups. As examples.

I have a specific plan to start my day. I:

  1. Open my eyes.
  2. Look at the clock.
  3. Say the time and what day it is.
  4. Get up and go sit on the pot. [pee if I need to but don’t shit][shitting is scheduled for thirty minutes after I get up][this first pee of the day cannot be taken at the sink (see “Sometimes I pee in multiple streams if I’ve been holding it”)]
  5. Wash hands, brush teeth and night guard, rinse eyes.
  6. Wipe face on towel.
  7. Go to closet to check on pet pig and ostrich. Gag because number 7 should be, “Take a deep breath and hold it since pig and ostrich farts are off-putting first thing in the am”.
  8. Dress to start day. [weather-conditioned lounge wear appropriate for a kitchen full of bitchy old women]
  9. Go to kitchen full of bitchy old women.
  10. And so forth, through step number 77. [step number 77 is, “Take a shit thirty minutes after awakening.”]

My hopes are that my Word Press webber organizer dealie for publishing postings doesn’t screw up the outline formation of that list. It does that sometimes. Makes me crazy.

Anyway, should I forget to do any of my 77 start-the-day steps, I’m screwed. Seriously screwed. The penalty for missing/skipping steps is brain fritz– ADHD brain fritz. It’s like that old anti-drug commercial, “This is your brain on drugs.” You guys know the one, where there’s this smoking hot pan with a little oil in it and they crack and egg and drop it into the pan to sizzle and bubble around in the pan, edges fritzing and blackening.

ADHD brain fritz would be that commercial except when they drop the egg into the smoky-hot pan, six people with wire whisks madly beat the egg.

Anyway, I compulsively organize stuff into obsessive regimens. Alright, maybe I obsessively organize compulsive regimes. But like Gram says, she’ll say, “Who gives a shit, Mooner? You’re a fuckin nut-job.”

A second method to control ADHD brain fritzing is to perform mindless tasks. I think the guys who invented the computer games, Free Cell and Spider Solitaire, designed those two games for ADHD sufferers.

When I feel especially crazy, I can sit and play those games and ease the mental tensions by clicking away as I move cards around. It’s been helping me reduce symptoms for several years to play those games. Until this morning.

I have been proud to say that all of my known obsessive/compulsive actions have been controlled by me, and with forethought(s). Each unusual organizational action was purposeful by nature.

Until this morning.

Here’s the deal. After performing step number 77 in my morning rituals, I was already feeling a touch fritzed. I forgot to say the time and what day it is until I was sitting on the pot to pee, or not pee. That fritzed me a touch and made each step more difficult to perform. Instead of moving through the numbers with automatonic smoothness, I was forced to remember each step, and think.

Thinking is where most of my troubles start.

So, I decided to play some computer games to work the kinks out. I started with Free Cell and played a few dozen games. On the 43rd game I played, I caught myself forcing a specific alignment of the cards into the center four places, leaving two blank spots on each end. Odd, I thought to myself, but not crazy.

Then I noticed that I was insuring that the Kings, used as the foundation of each descending-valued stack, were placed spades, hearts, diamonds and clubs– and left-to-right.

Then, I saw that I wanted to make the lynch-pin move, that’s the last move you make that sends the cards cascading into the tray and make winner’s noises, was required to be made from the stack of cards that had the lowest numbered bottom card from when the hand was originally dealt.

Then, I noticed that I have a prejudice against fives and nines. I bitch at the fives and nines as I play. The thought of my prejudice unsettled me, so I switched to Spider.

Already alerted to my card playing silliness with Free Cell, I was on high alert. On my twenty-second move of my first Spider game, I caught the initial symptom. I wanted to gravitate the Kings to the left and the rest in descending order moving to the right.

When I started cussing at the nine of clubs, I closed the game and placed my head in my hands. I didn’t cry, but I wanted to.

I’m obsessive-fucking-compulsive! Not the pretend kind that I purposefully inflict upon myself. I’ve got the other kind– the real one.

“Holy shit, but I am seriously fucked up,” I said to myself as I sat at my computer, near tears.

I leaned down and grabbed a Carta Blanca from the mini fridge next to my desk and popped the top. Step number one in my “I feel sorry for myself” list is, “Pop top of icy cold Carta Blanca beer.” Step two is to take a swig. [I did] Step three is, “Repeat numbers 1 and 2 as needed.”

[I did]

Manana, y’all.

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8 Responses to “ADHD/ADD Causes Obsessive/Compulsive-Nessess; I R Nuts”

  1. awwwwww poor baby! That sounds like you have a lot to handle and a lot of hell to go through! 🙁 *hugs* I wish a good old kick in the ass would help you out! I would do that for you al night 😉

  2. Squatlo says:

    “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. This is your brain on drugs with a side order of bacon and toast.”

    Check the comment I left behind your comment at my place. Gotta bidness proposal on there for ya!

  3. admin says:

    Squat. Will check. Brain fritzed.

  4. admin says:

    T-cat. I knew I could count on you. You’ll need to take a number on kicking my ass though. I’ve got fifteen myself.

  5. jazzbumpa says:

    Moonie –

    For a seriously fucked up dude, you do have away with words.

    I just caught your comment on my web-site dedicated to mirrors. That exists for work in an industry committee I participate in. It was a bit of a shock to find a comment from my new ADHD cum OCD BFF.

    For my (slighty) less arcane and more germane musings, check here.

    P.S. thumbs up for Carta Blanca

  6. jazzbumpa says:

    Mooner –

    OK – I know you’re OCD, but c’mon man – either a capture or “awaiting moderation” but not BOTH!


  7. admin says:

    Jazz. First time I look at your comment. Then I approve you to go through. Had serious hakker probs. You are now an insider!. [who must continue to do captcha]

  8. admin says:

    Jazz. I’ll take that as a compliment. I love your math site. Stimulating. I’ll check the new one soon. Thanks for stopping by.

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