Mooner Gets It Right; Gets Some

 

So. I had my big date last night and I can only say, “Hoo-yah!!!” Really, that’s all I can say because if I say anything else, it’ll be the last hoo-yah in my relationship with SAC Ellen, a hoo-yah rich environment. I’ll get my hoo-yahs chopped off.  What I had was a Howard Stern moment. Let me explain.

“Mooner, listen to me carefully.” SAC Ellen held my chin in her palm. I was in a chair at her dining room table with my first Carta Blanca of the night sitting unopened, making a nifty water ring on her glass table top. My eyes kept cutting to the condensation ring as it grew.

She squeezed my chin, not playfully, and repeated, “Mooner! Listen.. to… me… carefully.”

“I’m worried that water ring will work its way off the table and drip onto my slacks. It’ll look like I peed myself,” I told her.

“Oh, for shit sakes,” and she released my chin, grabbed my beer and swiped the water away with an angry motion of her cupped hand.

When she wiped her hand on her pants leg, I, of course, had my eyes drawn to the nifty fading-hand imprinted pattern on her khaki cotton pants. I love her in those pants. You guys know what I mean when I say that. Since I know exactly what the body underneath looks like, the pants are sexy as all hell. Men will definitely understand my drift.

“I really like you in those pants,” I complimented.

[Deep breath drawn slowly by a federal agent. Attentive lover adds a smile to his compliment. Agent grimaces, smiles, then grimaces again]

“Look, Mooner. Just this one time, I want to have a date with you that doesn’t end up on your blog. Just one fucking time. I have something special planned for you, something I know will knock your socks off. But it won’t be special for me if you tell the entire fucking world.”

OK, now I could see how this was going. “Well, actually, I still don’t have any readers from the South Pole, and I’m blocked from much of Sri Lanka, so maybe you’re a little too sensitive on this issue.”

I’ll never understand women.

[Three deep federal agent breaths, boyfriend’s beer opened by federal agent who then swills half in one swallow. Bottle replaced on water ring as it regrows on the tabletop. Boyfriend reaches for now open bottle for his own glug. Hand slaps hand.]

“Damn it, Mooner. Focus on my face.” Here she cups my chin in her palm once more.

“If you blog one word about this date, it will be our last date,” two, three and four, “ever!”

[Boyfriend gets confused look on face, cuts eyes to beer. Federal agent nods approval. Boyfriend drinks once, twice and bottle empties.]

“Want another beer, sweetie?”

“Not until I’m sure you understand just how serious I am,” she said.

This request/demand of hers is problematic for me. How can I maintain my authoratical integrity and non-disclose my relationship at the same time? I promised you guys full disclosure. An enigmatic conundrum if ever there was.

“Well, I’ve got to say something. Everybody already knows that you’re giving me one last chance tonight and they are dying to hear how it turns out. I’m not the only one who missed you.”

[Federal agent smiles, room lights up as last rays of sun sparkle off pearly-white teeth]

“OK,” she says. SAC Ellen pauses to ponder, then says, “You can talk about tonight up to this point.”

“You mean this point right now?” I ask.

“Yes, this point,” from her.

“OK, but are we talking about your point, you know the first point you made, or are we talking about the point at which (when which?) you made the point previously pointed-out, by you, and said point confirmed by me? When I pointed.”

[Incredibly deep federal agent breath.]

She looked at her watch. “Mooner, it is now 5:46 PM, Central Standard Time. You may not discuss anything that happens after 5:47 PM, CST, and before Sunday at noon.”

When I didn’t answer right away she said, “Capish?”

“What time is it now?” I asked.

She looked at her watch again. “Why look here. It’s 5:47.”

Manana, y’all.

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8 Responses to “Mooner Gets It Right; Gets Some”

  1. Go Mooner! Go Mooner! Glad to see that you followed directions. I’m sure that you’re glad too. (bowchickawowow!)

  2. Squatlo says:

    Okay, Mooner, now that she doesn’t have your face or gonads in her dangerous grip, are you gonna renege and spill the beans or not?
    I once pounded on a guy’s door and screamed “You don’t have a hair on your ass!” in a similar situation. Of course, if MY dangerous wife ever told me to shut the fuck up about something, you wouldn’t get it out of me with a crowbar and a half gallon or Crown. I know when I’ve been warned, and she knows where I sleep.

    Do yourself a favor, ignore the demands of your massive crowd of disciples and just keep it a memory. Unless she dumps you for a Treasury Dept employee, like a Secret Service Agent. Why are they in the Treasury, any damn way? Ask for me…

    Gotta go. Congrats. Glad Moonerella or WonderPalin didn’t jump into the path of your throbbing libido.

  3. admin says:

    Squat. Thanks for your support. You won’t believe what we did. It was in-fucking-credible. I don’t think I have ever had a woman put my… Wait, now. You’re trying to trick me into telling you. My lips are sealed!

  4. admin says:

    Reck. That’s exactly right. [Insert tab A into slot B, shut mouth] [success]

  5. Squatlo says:

    Shit, Mooner, I was just curious, that’s all. Not trying to get you shot, or anything. Tell you what, you write it down, put it in a folder somewhere where SAC Ellen won’t find it, and just as soon as she’s not looking you can post it for the world to see.

    Or put it in a book.

    Beautiful day here in the neighborhood, guess I’ll get out and see what’s interested in posing for my camera today. And we’re outta beer.

  6. admin says:

    Squat. Carta Blanca, Carta Blanca, Carta Blanca. I manage to put myself in the crosshairs with regularity. My misinterpolations of your ideas gives me false hopes, which in turn, stimulates fuck ups. That’s what friends are for!

  7. Whitney says:

    Did you know that there is also a Central Standard Time in Australia? Unless you are talking about the one in Australia, in which case, did you know that there is also a Central Standard Time in America? So that means, you can still tell us what happened like 12 hours from now if you wanted to.

    Also, if you reply to one spam email, you will get about 20% of the population of Ghana to follow your blog. I’m assuming Ghana is in Africa, because it sounds like it, but I can’t confirm that, so Ghana may actually be the South Pole.

    Whitney

  8. admin says:

    Whit. Thank you for clearing that up for me. When will you post again? I’m heavily medicated after V-tine’s din-din. Must sleep. Nity-night.

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