I Hate Computers; Self Flaggalation Is No Fun


So. I fucking hate computers. What else can I say to better express my relationship with modern technologies?

I know I have ADHD, I know that I’m a hunt-and-peck typist, I know I’m a scatter-brained fuckwad, and I know I make more wrong choices than a three dollar hooker.

But seriously, what the fuck is up with my Word Press bloggie? What … the… FUCK?

I had my computer guy come in and delete the CAPTCHA dealie from my bloggie in the altogether. No more obstacle courses to run in order to post a comment, right?

Within one minute of removing the CAPTCHA traps, I get a comment posted by one of the assholes responsible for my installation of the system in the first place. Enlightened Spirit is a right-wing Christian bigot and all-around Catholic shitball. Whenever I posted anything about His Royal Highness the Pope or abortion, or anytime I suggested that religious revisionist history is inappropriate for public school textbooks, Miz Spirit was all up my ass with excerpts from press kits and silly scriptural quotes and book/verse numbers.

Oh yes, and threats and immature slanders.

I blocked her and the others of her ilk, and I scrubbed my website clean of their poison. I installed the CAPTCHA widget for Word Press from hell in an effort to keep them out and force a person to have at least a moderate intellect to make a comment.

That, of course blew up in my face. First, one or several of the ilks (ilksters?) whom I had banned, cyber attacked my bloggie and crashed it. I had these Trojan Horse and black widow spider bugs everywhere.

So we cleaned that mess and added an additional layer of hooey to the yahoo and made it almost impossible to post a comment. When Squatlo can’t fight his way through a CAPTCHA screen that looks like someone wrote Greek code by pissing in the snow, you know your system is, at least remotely, off-putting.

So, we scrubbed some more and tweaked even more and made it to where you could send a comment through for mediation, but then it would never post to the bloggie after approval.


So today, I had my guy kill my cache dealie and give everyone direct access. That’s how that silly bitch Enlightened Spirit got through. I think she’s stalking me. Maybe she’s not getting satisfied by her has-to-be weak-Willy husband. I’m guessing she wants her some Mooner but is afraid to ask. Like a twelve-year-old girl in junior high, she picks and pokes rather than say, “Will you play doctor with me?”

Anyway, so I’m all proud and shit at letting go of all that control and just let people comment at will. Then I’ll take all my extra time to moderate and weed out the dumb shit and threats. I tested it from an outside computer and no problems.

Right, no problems. Squatlo still gets CAPTCHA shit by Enlightened Spirit doesn’t, I can’t get my replies to comments to post, it takes me three minutes to get my admin page to open, and I’m ready to rip my tongue out with a pair of pliars.

It’s a gorgeous day and I promised the Squirt I’d take her fishing. We were scheduled to leave three hours ago, so I told her to go out to the garden and dig up some worms. I said, “Why don’t you go dig us some worms, little Missy, and I’ll be right there.”

“Como muchos guisanos do you want, Bwana Mooner?”

“I don’t know Sweet Pea. Just dig until you think we have enough,” I told her.

At least I won’t need to plow the half-acre she dug up. But she’s too tired to go fishing and she’s pissed that I but her bushel of worms back in the ground.

“Asshole,” Squirt said when I dumped the wooden basket over. “Giant flaming asshole.”

She’s right, of course, but it isn’t my fault. I’m going to let her nap for a few hours and the wake her up with a cold Carta Blanca beer to chase the musties from her sleepy mouth. I taught her to gargle and she loves my beer. Multi-tasking is my middle name.

Please fight your way through the disaster that is my website folks. I’m trying. Manana, y’all.

Special Love note to the Reckmonster. I would never leave you just because your website rejected me. I’ll stalk you like Enlightened Spirit stalks me if you go away.

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7 Responses to “I Hate Computers; Self Flaggalation Is No Fun”

  1. Holy crap on a corn dog, man. I’d go insane if all that happened to me. Yet here you stand…or…sit…

    Is it bad that I’m only now discovering your blog? I have tons of catching up to do…

    Sorry about the religious kooks out there. It seems like every religion out there has its own sect of insanity. I’m surprised they don’t all meet for tea, and discuss how they’re going to pester people like you and me on a more unionized level.

    But then again, if they are in Wisconsin, they won’t be able to unionize for long. *rimshot*

    Great post, great blog. You made a fan out of me. If you need me, I’ll be on my blog, hiding from the mormons. Cheers!

  2. Mooner, I would never leave you… As a matter of fact, I’m going to cyber-beat Enlightened Spirit’s ass if she fucks with you. And I am sure Squat and T-Cat will jump in and it’ll be a smack-down free for all!

    I’m so hurt that you think I would leave you because your website was giving me pains in my ass that required tucks pads…I’m way bigger than that! Why do you think I sent you so many inflammatory and offensive e-mails telling you to get your shit fixed and that your computer dude sucked donkey balls?! That’s LOVE, man!!

  3. DAMMIT!!! Where is the comment I already posted, Mooner?! Somebody got some ‘splainin’ to do!!!

  4. admin says:

    Hey Lost. Thanks for stopping by. If I can ever get my shit together here, I’ll come visit you in Mo-Mo land. I’ve got the Reckmonster six feet up my ass with my comment mumbo-jumbo and she’s ninja-kicking my kidneys. I’ll see you soon.

  5. Squatlo says:

    SHAZZAM (as Gomer would say)! I can access Mooner’s site and catch up on all the loony shit I’ve been missing in my life.
    Initially I thought my depression was due to the success of Wisconsin’s Governor raping labor unions, but then I realized I can handle political fallout without feeling so blue… it had to be something else. Then it hit me! I’m jonesin’ for my Mooner Johnson FIX!

    This Enlightened Spirit sounds like she’d be a lot of fun at parties, Mooner. The kind who comes with her own toys, C-cell batteries, and lube. Invite her over and see if you can help extract her head out of her cavernous rectum.

    Gotta go read the next three posts! I’m so fucking far behind…

  6. Cristy Saugis says:

    Will the AMERICAN PUPLIC ever wake up.???? There is a certain faction of liberal(BHO voting Jews) that does not get the fact that SHARIAH has no place in our country or anywhere near our society. Why do they think this way? This is the type of thinking that leads to their BEHEADINGS( It was the ovens in Nazi Germany)Shariah is NaziIt is as simple as that. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION. ISLAM IN our country is a political stance. There are Muslims in this country waiting for the ISLAMIST-NAZI’S TO quit. And these Muslims of a peaceful nature will do nothing about the ISLAMIST-NAZI-EXTREM ISTS. their mosques are buildings to plan war and keep weapons. Their koran is a book of instructions to wage JIHAD.

  7. admin says:

    Cristy. OK, first, thanks for stopping by. Second, what was it that I said that sparked your thoughts?

    Third, assuming I understand what you said, whatthefuck do you propose we do about it?

    Fourth, please repond if you will on a recent post. I don’t backtrack on old posts to see comments.

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