Mooner To Save The World From Computer Domination

So.  I have been given another award and this time from The Reckmonster. I forget what it’s for or why I’m deserving, but I am most grateful and, I’m sure, deserving. I want to be excited about my award but I’m too tangled-up in the dirty linen that is my website. It’s working again but it’s a giant pain in the ass for me.
 I fucking hate technology for starters, and I really hate computers. I think that Watson dealie on Jeopardy is a foreshadow of the time when computers take over the world. Fucking computers will take over the world.
 But, that is all a part of my master plan, the “Mooner Johnson Master Plan to Save the World From Computer Domination” plan. See, I already have my computer geniuses working on the programming that will stop the computers dead in their tracks. When they think they have won the war, they’ll all be on the I-net with each other, bragging and drinking toasts to each other for pulling off world domination, and I’ll unleash my plan on their asses.
 The fucking computers will be sitting around telling war stories and shit about how they pulled it off and how brave they were and how dangerous it was. It’ll be like when my granddaddy and his war buddies talked about what it was like during the Big War over to France. That was World War One.
 My grand father was a Marine and spent over a year in a water-sodden wood-reinforced trench in France. He wouldn’t ever talk to the family about what happened but he spent hours yakking with his war buddies. I would hide and listen every chance I got. I won’t go into all the stories I heard but I will tell you one of them.
 My granddaddy had a corporal with him who went batshit crazy sitting in the trenches. They had endured months of  discomfort, “With tha Krauts lobbing mortar shells at us,” as he would tell it. When the craziness struck the guy it was as if he were hit by a bolt of lightening. “Old Smitty just sat onna floor with this dead look to his face,” my granddaddy would say. “Had ta cart him off onna stretcher tha next day.”
 For some reason that story unsettles me. Might be one of the reasons I’m anti-war. I miss that old man. My grand father was one of his kind. And one of a kind as well.
 Anyway, the smart ass computers are all sitting around telling their war stories when I unleash my plan. My plan is to send out a computer virus that gives every fucking computer in the world a double dose of the ADHD. The computers won’t be able to process all of the random thoughts spinning inside their hard drives and they’ll go nuts. They’ll all commit virtual suicide.
 That’s right, I’ll fix it to where all the processors get overloaded circuits because they have too many thoughts to process. They’ll be catching fire and exploding and shit and I’ll be a hero.
 The only reason I’m telling you guys about my secret Plan is because after I kill all the computers we won’t be able to communicate, so I wouldn’t be able to take my credits due. I’m taking them now.
 So, hoist a cold Carta Blanca and salute Mooner Johnson, the Man Who Saved the World From Computer Domination.
 Manana, y’all.

Print Friendly


3 Responses to “Mooner To Save The World From Computer Domination”

  1. Gary says:

    Right then, Mooner dude, before my computer destroys itself and our rage against the machine goes into full action, I shall hastily leave this comment before it ‘s like too late n’ stuff….
    First of all, I want to thank for saving our world from computer domination and the possibility of sex-crazed robots performing devious sexual acts on our unsuspecting genitals. Second of all, congrats for like getting that lil’ ol’ award from the ever so shy Reckmonster….
    Take care, I will now submit comment and hope it’s not too late 🙂

  2. Squatlo says:

    Wait, what’s this shit about sex crazed robots performing deviant sex acts on our genitals? Whoa, Mooner, baby, put down that virus… at least until we’re worn out by sex goddesses for a few more years. Shit, that sounds like a good thing from where I’m sitting…

    And just so’s you knows, I had to shut down, clear my cache, and do a complete reboot to get to your ass. Is this what everyone has to do to get to Mooner’s World, or is it just my curse?

  3. You did NOT get an award for user-friendly website, that’s for mother fucking sure. You’re lucky meloveyoulongtime, Mooner. This is absolutely unbearable…this website! You DID get an award for being fucking hilarious and psycho and original. But, your website, buddy, gets the award for BIGGEST PAIN IN MY ASS!

Leave a Reply