Queen Of All Catholics Releases Jews; Antisemitism Now Officially Ended


So. Let’s all say, “Hallelujah!”


Again, “Hallelujah!”


Incredible as it may seem, the entire Jewish race, I’m talking all Jewish people, have been pardoned of their guilt in the crucifixion of Jesus.

That’s right, folks, the Jews are no longer to be considered the killers of the Christ. Hallelujah!

In a stunning development, Pope Brokedick XVI, Queen of all Catholics, has cleared the Jewish people of their alleged complicity in the dastardly murder of Jesus. In his soon-to-be-published book, which shall go unnamed here so as to not spur any sales activity, the Popester has finally let the Jews off the hook for the dastardly deeds committed on one of their own those several thousand years ago.

This action ends a two-thousand year official policy. Holding the Jewish people responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus has been one of the stalwart tenants of the Catholic Church. The early implementation of the edict condemning Jews as “Jesus murderers” was the very origins of antisemitism. That’s right, the fucking Holy Roman Catholic Church invented antisemitism.

Surprised? You shouldn’t be. One of the problems with organizing a religion based upon the history of men is that the storytelling adds layers of embellishment. Back in the several hundred years between the time Jesus died, and until the first Catholics got together to devise a method to pillage and plunder the undefended masses worldwide, the actual facts of that entire dealie swelled with embellishments. Why wouldn’t we say “swoled” with embellishments?

Primary to the subject matter of this bloggie posting is the problems those early Catholics had with the central religiosity of starting a Christian religion. The foundation of all Christian religions is the belief that God sent his son, the Christ aka Jesus, to the earth to DIE ON THE CROSS in sacrifice for the sins of all earthlings.

Said another way, if Jesus had not been crucified, no Christians. Since God had preordained his son’s life in a step-by-step sequencing of events, all of which were in preparation for him to DIE ON THE CROSS, then his actual dying on the cross is God’s responsibility.

Now stay with me because the logic of many religions is slightly twisted, and untangling the logic strings can be confusing.

So, premise one is that it was God’s plan for his son to DIE ON THE CROSS. Premise two is that, try as I might, I can’t discover a way for any man– regardless of his dexterity, I can’t see how anybody could crucify himself.

I can see one man building a cross, you know harvest an appropriate tree and saw it to the proper dimensions, digging a hole and dropping it in, stacking rocks around the base and packing the dirt so the terrible thing will keep standing.

I can see a guy shimmy up to the platform with his hammer and spikes and leather tongs and shit lashed to his robe so he won’t drop them and have to shimmy down, then back up. I can see the guy set the thorny crown he made of wild blackberry vines on his own head. I can see this guy, an acrobat in the forerunner of the Cirque de Soleil, place his feet just right so that he can pound that first spike through that flesh, securing feet stably to the cross.

I can even see the guy, wincing in terrible pain, as he contorts his left hand to hold the second spike at his left wrist. His entire arm cramps to hold the spike in proper position while pressing the back of his wrist to the wooden cross member, and then twist to his left side (while both feet are nailed tight to the platform), and whack the spike to secure his left arm to the cross.

Yes sir, I can see all of that, as remarkable as it might sound.

But I absolutely cannot see him nailing his right wrist or palm to that wooden cross member. No fucking way. And that factual impossibility is why the Catholics started antisemitism all those years ago.

It’s hard to blame God for killing his own son. Even though filicide is the most basic truth behind Christianity, holding God accountable was impossible for the early Catholic rules writers.

So, they blamed the Jews.

I’ve been threatened in the past when making this point. If I have offended any of you Christians here, please ask yourself, “Why is this offensive?”

When your facts become fictionalized with fables, it’s impossible to write fact-based rules. Let me say that this particular Catholic Queen has done more enlightening things than all his predecessors combined. And for that, I say, “Hoist your Carta Blanca’s and join with me. Thank you Pope Benny Fifteen, and Hallelujah! Long live the Queen!”

Manana, y’all.

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4 Responses to “Queen Of All Catholics Releases Jews; Antisemitism Now Officially Ended”

  1. Squato says:

    For his next installment, rumor has it that Pope Bennyhanna will forgive the makers of “Weekend at Bernie’s Part II” as well.

  2. Mooner, let me preface this by saying I think you’ll be able to relate to having thought processes that are completely inexplicable and defy all reason and logic and are complete contradictions to everything else that you think. Mkay. So, now let me continue…as the self-proclaimed “Queen of All BAD Catholics” – I still cannot deal with fucking with the pope. It’s like even if your mom is a crackhead who sold you for two rocks and a Schlitz, people still can’t make “Yo Momma!” jokes, lest they feel like incurring a brutal beat down. I don’t know why that is. I’m the worst Catholic there is, but I don’t fuck with the Pope. I’m glad that you raised your Carta Blanca in a toast to the Popester, but I’m not down with your clever little “nickname” for him or calling him a Queen. I still love you and can agree to disagree, but I just HAD to say it. And yes, I KNOW it makes NO sense whatsoever, it’s just one of those quirky mental anomalies I have that I cannot seem to resolve.

  3. admin says:

    Squat. I see any progress as a mighty good thing.

  4. admin says:

    Reck. I understand your position re: the Pope. I’m the same way about my Gram. Your ability to love/hate/love is one of the things that makes you special. Also that I can be such an asshole and you still love me. I’m glad you have the balls to stand up. I’m glad we’re buddies. I know, just like those silly fucks that just won a First Amendment case at the Supreme Court, that you don’t like what I say but like that I have the freedom to say it.

    Have I told you that I buy all of my ex-wives a new home an an exit strategy?

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