@Reckmonster Makes Mooner Mess


So. I just got up from the breakfast table and both my nerves and my ADHD are in a jumble. Gram somehow captured a political science major from Texas A&M, a senior and an officer in the Aggie Corps. The Corps in Aggie Land is the elite ROTC dealie, or whatever it is the military calls what ROTC used to be. I haven’t kept up with any of that shit since I was rejected for military service myself.

We had quite a crew at the big breakfast counter. Gram was bragging to her new temporary boyfriend that I’m a famous blogger; Aunt Hilda was arguing with her permanent boyfriend, a shrunken head in a mahogany box; Dixie was home for a visit to evaluate Squirt’s progress with mixing too many languages into one sentence; and SAC Ellen was sitting at the end of the big granite breakfast counter taking it all in with a smile. Streaker Jones was busy at the stove top preparing his specialty, Indian corn cakes.

The corn cakes are crispy and dense little patties that he grills with clarified butter. Mother has placed a dozen bottles of homemade jellies and preserves on the table and I put out some maple syrup we get from a place right on the US and Canadian border. Plain or slathered with condiments, either way the cakes are a hit.

Our relationship has been mostly settled for a week or so, and SAC Ellen spent last night here with me. She doesn’t like sleeping here all that much because Rush Limbaugh and Rick Perry spend the night snoring and farting and fighting in the closet. My gay pig and ostrich are a cute couple in that Abbot and Costello sort of way. Funny but a pain in the ass.

I’m still trying to get them to come out of the closet, but I’m out of logical reasons to use to persuade them. Maybe it’s time to go illogical, use some thought process of my giant bird’s namesake, the Texas governor. Like when Rick Perry, governor, carries a girlie handgun to protect himself when he runs, while under the armed protection of his security detail.

Anyway, the college boy is holding up pretty well. He’s Hispanic and his name is Robert after dropping the “o” for convenience, he says, and he seemed to be a smart thinker. Strong family values and a heavy dose of God and Country seem to be his guidance systems.

And don’t even start with any of that, “Well if those are his values, what the fuck is he doing with your Gram,” bullshit. Show me the first college aged boy who can ignore any woman in a bright red Ferrari and I’ll show you a eunuch.

Gram’s potions provide additional reductions in resistance.

Anyway, Gram pulls up the Mooner Johnson blog on her laptop and shows it to Robert. Robert turns out to be a speed reader and he blows through the last ten postings, and whatever comments show, in just a couple minutes.

When he looked up from the computer, the young man said to me, he said, “Well, Mr. Johnson, it appears that you have finally attracted a mature, straight-thinking reader. But who is this Reckmonster person, and what about her waiting to be your twelfth wife?”


“Oh, that’s an Internet admirer with whom I joke a little.” I tried to sound flippant and casual.

“Why did that make you nervous, Mr. Johnson, it was a simple question.”

I adjusted my thinking about this Aggie in my kitchen. “Are you in pre-law, Robert?” I asked him.

“Yes, sir,” he answered. “I’m taking an advanced course in witness interrogation and we have an assignment to practice when we think we detect someone avoiding a subject. You seem to be unsettled when I bring up the subject of the Reckmonster, Mr. Johnson. Would you mind telling those of us gathered here this morning why that is?”

Little shitball. I responded with, “Look, you little shitball, let’s start this inquisition with you explaining how you explain spending the night sexing with my grandmother within the contexts of your religion, family and Corps values. How do you justify your deviant behavior, tell us that.” I know I told you guys to give the kid a break, but he started this.

“Well,” he began to answer but was stopped cold. SAC Ellen had risen from her stool and was giving the side of my head a laser-heated glare.

“No, Mister Johnson, answer the man’s question.” My lover’s words were cold-hot bullets.

Now I’m sitting alone at my computer with the swirling swill that is my thoughts. Maybe that should be swirling swills for thoughts. I’m not especially worried about SAC Ellen, she’ll forgive me my transgressions. What really bugs me is this. I’m wondering how it is that I can love my country for most of the same reasons as Theo and share many of the same sentiments as him, and yet I feel such a distance from him philosophically.

Really, howthefuck can that be?

How can he and I both value education yet seem so far apart on funding for education? I sense that we each think a man needs to take responsibility for protecting the weak among us but I feel at polar opposites with him on what that means.


I’m too fucking busy now to worry about my convictions. I’m trying to get my book to the publisher and my webber and bloggie site is a total mess. I’m trying to find a fixer-upper guy to fix things, but so far nobody wants to tackle it.

Makes me want to responsibly drink Carta Blanca beer.

Manana, y’all.

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6 Responses to “@Reckmonster Makes Mooner Mess”

  1. Does this mean I should break off the pending pre-engagement? I don’t want you to have more stress…what, with finding wifey # 11, and then creating problems with SAC Ellen. And let’s get one thing straight, Mooner, you are MY internet admirer.

  2. admin says:

    Reck. Baby… Don’t believe everything you read here. I’m working hard to work my way through number eleven to pave the way for number twelve. BTW, my CAPCHA wants me to type “xhx’ buttowl”. Go figure.

  3. Theo says:

    Do you have ADHD or DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)? Which of your blog personalties am I addressing right now? Is it Gram, Streaker, Mooner or some other from the casts of thousands in your head? Your writing style is either a very clever form of free association or it’s loosening of associations…….

    “Phishing” me is of course beneath you. What philisophic difference(s) do we have on education? I worked in the military saving money (read: pinching pennies) as the GI bill was for shit paying for higher ed. Got student loans and worked many different jobs through undergrad and grad school. Got more loans for med school. Ate enough top ramen to float a battleship (and probably ruin my coronaries). Did moonlighting through residency and fellowhsip to pay my loans off. So what’s the problem? Did I have car during grad school and medical school? No. Did I have a fancy apartment? No. Did I eat out? No. Did I spend every weekend at the bar or movies? No. Did I go to Europe or Mexico or Key West and lay on the beach fanning my balls? No. It all boils down to just how much tax you are will to pay for a service. Should I have worked my ass off for more years than I care to recount just to pay sky high taxes? No. Take a good hard look at California (the proving ground for every failed liberal policy that was ever dreamed up or implemented) and see what creating multiple entitlements will get you financially. When you dole out entitlements, someone has to pay. Dumping everything on business will cause them to go away. Even now business are leaving California and taking their jobs and taxes with them. Even your Governor Perry has been taking advantage of the situation by actively poaching them and trying to convince them to come to Texas……… Human nature is if anything predictable, people want their cake and eat it too. They want their free education but do not want to sacrifice anything to get it. It’s funny how some people always seem to have money for what they “want” but the gov has to provide for what they “need.” They have money for fancy shoes but the gov has to pay their power bill. They have X-Box and Wii but need food stamps… you know the same ole Repub line of thinking that is hard to argue with……

  4. admin says:

    Theo. OK, first, I was rejected by the military due to injuries they deemed made me unfit for service. Had they done blood tests back then I might have been rejected and then jailed. But so fucking what. Do you support America’s current military strategies? Did you suppoet George W. Bush’s aggressions?

    Second, I likewise put myself through school earning money in various small business enterprises. But I didn’t phish you with a hook baited with who-paid-for-your-college worms. I know you didn’t work your way through Harvard or Cambridge, you worked your way through a public system just like me. My question is how do you propose to fund public schools, Theo? Where does public education sit on your hierarchy of publically-funded needs? Narrow the conversation to first fucking grade if that simplifies the bait.

    Oh wait, the GI Bill is a government funded program paid for by tax dollars. Oh, wait the fuck again. The military is funded by tax dollars too. Since I was working fulltime and employing dozens of workers when you were growing up, I guess I funded both your military career and your fucking GI Bill-paid college. You, my friend, are welcome.

    Third. Since I paid for your education, I’d like you to show your gratitude and pay it back, and forward as well. And don’t tell me you have pet charities to which you donate massive amounts. I didn’t have a choice to donate to your education, but I did that and then had favorite non-profits as well. Tell me what you are passionate about beside ranting at Squatlo.

    Fourth. Business is business. Some are greedy profit-is-my-only-name enterprises and will follow the incentives regardless of the damage they cause when they pull-up roots and abandon towns that supported them into prosperity. Texas governor Little Prick Perry is a Pied Piper for those types of business and he’s ruining our business climate bringing them into our state. The incentives granted to business come at the cost of the same education, health care and infrastructure that made Texas strong and proud. That silly asshole has run Texas into a $27 billion budget deficeit and he’s proud of it. If we don’t provide our state’s populace with quality educations, China will start sending plenty jobs back to Texas. “Little Jimmy was so proud when he landed the job screwing the rubber bottoms onto the wooden plunger sticks.”

    Fifth. Theo, stop taking cheap shots and say something important. I know you can do it. Put yourself out there and take a risk. I don’t give a shit if you believe I’m honest with you and I’m not the only one. Take a shot or I’m moving on.

  5. Theo. I’m redoing this reply because my first attempt is lost somewhere deep in the bowels of my admin dashboard. I’m writing this reply now, after your most recent comment in which you quit. Here is approximately what I said:

    First, I wasn’t phishing for you with a hook baited with how-did-you-pay-for-your-college bait. I put myself through college, like you, but I started small businesses and made products and sold services to earn my keep. I was successful enough to not need loans, but my grades suffered for it.

    But Theo, you didn’t earn your way through Harvard or Cambridge. Just like me, you went to a public university. Taxpayers paid to keep the doors open to your college same as mine. What is your opinion as to how to provide the basic funding for public secondary education? How do you make it possible for students to \earn\ their ways at something less than $100,000 per year?

    Oh, and by the way.The GI Bill is funded by federal tax money, and wait… wait… the military is funded by federal tax dollars as well. I was rejected for military service and entered the full-time workforce at least a decade before you graduated high school. I guess that I supplied funding for both your job and your college education.

    You are welcome, Theo.

    But my real question on education is this. Where do you stand on funding public education systems? Narrow it down to first through sixth grades to make it simple. You seem to support Teabagger ideologies, and in my state, those fuckballs placed cuts to public education funding at the head of the balanced budget slaughter. Is that your position? What might be your hierarchy of publicly-funded infrastructures when you consider budget cuts.

    Hell, my idiotic governor started a legislative session facing a $27 billion budget shortfall that he created. All of those businesses you mention that he attracted to my state were phished here with bait. The bait was tax incentives and credits that created billions of dollars of shortfalls in local city and county budgets. Oh yea, and a $27 billion fucking shortfall in the state coffers as well.

    Brilliant economic strategy. Progress made the American way.

    Again, I get that you came from a humble start and made something of yourself. You sacrificed and worked and saved. But you did it with the support of publicly-funded schools. You had somebody fund the baseline with public taxes.

    You point to California as the proving ground for every failed liberal policy ever dreamed up. OK, fair enough. I, however, point you to the great state of Texas, my state. Take a good look at what almost every failed right-wing conservative policy ever dreamed up looks like.

    You make your point that liberal funding of public support policies leads to your paying for fancy shoes and electronic gear. They want their free public education, you say, and without sacrifice.

    You are way too smart to take that line, Theo. Just like every businessman isn’t Bernie Madoff, every welfare baby isn’t a crack head. And all that under-privileged kid needs is to have the same access to public education that you had. We liberals in Texas want each kid to have a chance to do something with a public education. They will do what they will with their opportunity.

    In Texas, our \conservative\ legislators entitle big business and fund it at the expense of public education. As a liberal, I would entitle public education and fund it at the expense of those most able to pay– like big business.

    But like Gram would say. She’d say, \Who gives a shit, Mooner. Theo don’t wanna play yer silly game no more.\

    My psycho therapist suggested that I might not be smart enough to understand you, like maybe you have a beta game and I have only an alpha-level knowledge. Maybe that’s why I have trouble understanding why my state Board of Education is forcing the Christian Bible into history and science books.

    I guess this is goodbye. Adios, Theo.

  6. Squatlo says:

    Mooner, Theo’s not going anywhere… like a dog to his vomit, he shall return. You would have a better chance of eradicating conservatives and mosquitos from Texas than getting rid of Theo! If he doesn’t reply to you (or to this comment) I’ll kiss your butt in the middle of Texas Stadium and give you a week to draw a crowd.

    Good points, by the way… which will be hard for anyone to debate, unless they crawled out of the shallow end of the gene pool with Nixon’s pecker in their ear.

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