Theo’s Chance To Be A Man


So. In an effort to provide the highest quality entertainment, I managed to coax Theo away from Squatlo’s Rant. What I did is when I said, “Fuck Rick Perry,” I also said, “Fuck Theo.”

Welcome aboard, Theo.

Theo. Now that you are here, how about showing us what you got. Give us a little sumptin-sumptin and impress us with your wit, or logic or maybe a little deep thinking. Tell us what you stand for, what you believe in, what you want from life.

Step out of the role of homophobic anti-socialist and step into some big boy pants. Put your ideas at risk and tell us about the things you feel good about. Put your feeling in front of us at the risk of our ridicule.

Pick a subject and tell us your thoughts. Like civil rights or gay rights or women’s rights. What about the de-funding of public education? What about state legislators stripping away the bargaining rights of state employees and teachers? Ooh, what about abortion?

Be a man, Theo, or a woman maybe. I think of you as a male, but who knows. Tell us about you– are you young, employed, married, educated, involved, a parent, a registered NRA member, a stringer for Rush Limbaugh?

Step up Theo. We all know that you can dish out angry criticism with the best. How about showing you can take it as well. This is your big chance. What are you waiting for?

Who knows, Theo. Maybe if you say something smart here, you’ll catch the eyes of one of the right-wing Christians who monitor my site religiously. Those silly fuckballs are desperate for an original thought. Hell, they’re likely to see you as the second coming if you can give them something intelligent to regurgitate a billion times a day.

I throw the gauntlet at your feet, Theo. You love to tell others to go to the dictionary, so look up gauntlet. I throw it and you can run it.

And now the Squirt and I are taking Gram and Aunt Hilda fishing. The weather is perfect and the Carta Blanca is icy cold. It’ll be fun watching Squirt as she tries to tend everyone’s bobbers. Squirt will be vibrating and buzzing all over the dock. She reminds me of a pair of plastic wind-up dentures with a too-tight spring. Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson warned me that she’d commit me again if I drove her little dog crazy.

Which reminds me. Does anyone know if it’s OK for dogs to drink coffee?

Manana, y’all.

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2 Responses to “Theo’s Chance To Be A Man”

  1. Squatlo says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! This will be great! (don’t be shy, Theo, Mooner’s a great guy, he’ll even let you post your rants on his site!)

  2. Theo says:


    (1) Coffee is bad for dogs just like chocolate. Caffeine (and choclate) is a methylxanthine which has several ill effects on canines. Even decaff has some caffeine.

    (2) A.S.L.?? What is this a lib-prog dating service? If it was an internet dating service and because Hose-Monster and Squnt are here you could call it “Lower

    (3) The whole “I lured him here by swearing at him” meme is a little far fetched. I mean I’m sure it works when you use candy and a windowless mini-van next to the
    pre-school and all or at the bars when you use “ruffies” in chicks (??) drinks but intentionally lured here by swearing? Really? Oh well the house rules, I’ll let that
    one slide, you cut me slack so I’ll cut you slack…….

    (4) Your topics are boring how about chosing one from the following:

    a) Why do we know more about what’s in Palin’s underwear drawer than we know about Obama (no long form birth cert, no academic or medical records)?

    b) Why is the professional left (i.e. Code Pink et al) completely silent (……cricket noise…..) when Obama has 3 wars going but went ape-shit when Bush had one?

    c) Why Kenyan ….. (whoops) …. I mean Keynesian economics doesn’t work, i.e. why you can’t spend your way out of a recession.

    d) How Global Warming…(whoops )… I mean Athropological Global Warming…..(sorry)…. I mean Global Climate Change….. (darn it)…. I mean Global Climate
    Catastrophe can cause drought, monsoons, more hurricanes, less huricanes, heavy snow fall, less snow fall, more antartic ice, tsunamis, earth quakes and
    why trillions in global carbon trading is irrelevant to the subject…… Alternatively, why Global Warming will soon take it’s place along with other psuedo-scientific fads
    like Acid Rain, Global Cooling, World Famine, Expanding Ozone Holes…..

    e) A Squnt favorite: How much should we pay entry level WalMart employees to stack macaroni on the shelves $20 or $30 per hour??

    (5) I give the dictionary references so that people can be current with the latest internet vernacular. Some people are so dull they don’t when they’ve been insulted.

    (6) You seem to have some real God issues. Do you want to talk about it? Was it one of those priest-altar boy things? When you die and wind up in hell with your back
    broke being tormented by demons you could always put an existential spin on it and say: “I chose not to believe in God so I should be happy to be here.”

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