Tomatoes For Squatlo; Reckmonster Review

So. Here is another homegrown tomato story from 2010. June of 2010 to be precise. I know the Reckmonster will be checking dates and grammar and shit, so precision is my middle name. I’m trying to finish all of the pre-publishing tasks required to get a book into print and it’s driving me crazy. ADHD is an insidious calamity. And malady. Anyway, for your reading enjoyment, I give you:

“Don’t Drink Beer At Barnes And Nobles”

I just got finished with my morning psycho therapy session and the topic of discussion reminded me that I still haven’t told you guys about what happened when I went to the Barnes and Nobles Bookstore over to the Arboretum.
 I was doing some research for Dixie because she wants to write a children’s book  and needs formatting advice. I guess she wants me to do it for her because I’m already a successful author, and I have kids.
 Anyway, I was in therapy this morning and Dr. Sam I. Am asks me, she says, “OK, Mooner, let’s talk about your latest fuck-up. It’s been more than a week and you haven’t spoken a word about it.”
 I just sort of stared at her like she was the moron. I truly didn’t know what she was talking about. Then I remembered and I said, “Oh yea. I was up to the Sprouts yesterday to get some organic lettuce. It’s been so hot that all the lettuce burned out and the big garden at the ranch has only summer crops. Sprouts has the best price on a three-pack of organic romaine anywhere in town.”
 The good doctor was just staring at me so I continued. “I got my lettuce, some apple cider vinegar for salad dressing, and a big bag of turbinado sugar. Then I saw that they were selling berries for $.99 per half pint and I loaded up on those. When I checked out, Juli, one of my favorites, was my register person and she was sort of pissed at me.
 Doctor pain in the ass is still just staring at me so I say, “OK, look Sammy. I know I told Juli I wouldn’t name her by her real name to the bloggie in that posting last week but I forgot. She was hurt that I mentioned her name and was obviously embarrassed by what I had written.”
 Now the bitch doctor’s steely gaze is getting under my skin. “Oh for shit sakes Sammy, I told her I was sorry and would never do it again.”
 I decided to return the cold shoulder and not talk to her. I started looking around the office with my lips zipped tightly shut. I grew tired of counting the little holes in the ceiling tiles when I got to 13,188 and glanced at my watch to see how much more silence I had to endure until my time expired.
 “Fuckballs!” I said. “My watch has stopped.”
 And after I spoke, “Oh fuckballs twice. I was gonna make you talk first.”
 “You will never learn Mooner.” said Dr. Am-Johnson. “I am strong of heart and will and you Mooner are, simply put, still you.”
 I keep telling you guys she’s a bitch.
 “I need to call Scotty and get him scheduled to fix my watch,” I said with manly concern.
 “Stop whining about your watch Mooner. You’ve got bigger problems than knowing the time to the exact second. Now, tell me about the incident at the bookstore.”
 Have I told you guys about my buddy Scott? He retired from the TCEQ awhile back and now he does a little consulting but mostly he does retiring and watch/clock repairs. He is one of the few good men I know from my entanglements with government officialdom and he has become a friend. Maybe he does retirementing.
 Anyway, he is a watch and clock collector/seller and a terrific repairer of timepieces. He can fix anything and he is honest and trustworthy. He has a large collection of military watches and he is quite active in that market, I understand. If you need a repair or you want to buy an interesting timepiece, contact him at . He might not get right back to you because he is after all, retired. But you will be glad you waited.
 Have I ever told you guys that I like my watch to provide me with the exact time? I don’t know why and I can’t place a single event in my life that was crucial in a to-the-second sort of way. Except for a few fireworks dealies and maybe the one time Streaker Jones and I decided to see who could hold his breath the longest.
 But I should have known that Streaker Jones could beat me in a breath-holding contest. He beats me at everything except wifing and the whole ex-wifing thing. Maybe that might need to be wivesing and ex-wivesing thing. And it would be things, plural.
 Oh for shit sakes. They would be things.
 “Mooner!” Dr. Sam I. Am yelled at me. “De-glaze your eyes and look at me.”
 I snapped out of my watch thoughts and looked at her. “What, Sammy? What, what, what?
 “Lower your voice buster, and tell me about your problem at the bookstore. Tell me now or I’m calling for the ambulance to haul you to Shoal Creek Mental Hospital where I’ll book you a three-week engagement.”  
 And then she added, “Maybe that will improve your focus.”
 “OK, fine. First of all, it wasn’t my fault. I just want to get that straight from the start,” I began. “Well, you know that Dixie wanted me to do some research for her and it was Friday a week ago. Not last Friday three days past, but the one before that. It was the Friday before Memorial Day, whatever day that was, maybe the 28th of May, I think.
 “So, since I was going to Sprouts anyway I decided to stop at the B&N books to look around since it’s so close and they have a big kids section.” Now I took a big breath and continued, “It was early and I didn’t shave and I had dressed myself so my outfit wasn’t fully coordinated, and I was wearing a greasy auto parts cap because I forgot to take it off.”
 Maybe I was providing too much detail because Sammy says to me, she said, “Mooner, get to the point.
 “OK, the point was this. I walk into the store and spy the kiddies section straight to the back of the store. I was headed back and remembered that Jeff Hwang has a new book out on Pot Limit Omaha and I’m trying to learn to play that game better to broaden my poker horizons. I walk over and they don’t have it on the shelf. There’s this guy standing beside me at the Poker Section and he’s holding the last copy.
 He says to me, he says, “Look here,” and he shows me the inside of the book. “You can order right from Jeff at .”
 “Thanks, man,” I told him. “But I wanted to get started right away. I’ll just see if another store has one.”
 “So. I go to the information desk and have to wait in line behind this shitwad who’s asking about do they have the new inspirational book by that TV evangelist Tupac Shamir or whateverthefuck his name is. You know, the Indian guy from India except that he sounds like a Harvard law graduate and dresses like a TV talk show host.”
 Maybe that guy’s name is Shupok Darfur.
 I took another big breath and continued. “I had my portable tomato kitchen with me and since this was looking like an endurance kinda conversation ahead of me, I sliced off a couple slabs of Early Girl and passed them to the folks now crowded in line behind me. I didn’t give one to the guy in front so’s to not disturb his already trackless train of thought.”
 Now I’m getting into my story when Sam interrupts me. “Get to the point before I kill myself, Mooner. You are driving me to distraction!”
 “The point is, you can’t drink alcoholic beverages at the bookstore. When I popped the lid off the frosty Carta Blanca beer from my little kitchen and passed that around, the information lady working with the brain dead questioner ahead of me got snippy.”
 “ ‘Put that beer away, sir.’ This was loud whispered like a teacher telling you to stop pulling on Susie Ashburn’s pigtails back to first grade. The teacher is whispering because you are supposed to be taking the spelling test that all the other students seem to be managing without distraction.”
 “Anyway,” I continued, “I just downed the rest of the beer myself, stashed the bottle back in my hemp tote bag, and headed to the children’s section to begin my research. When I got back there…”
 “Oops, sorry Mooner,” Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson interrupted again. “Your time’s up. We’ll continue in this afternoon’s session.”
 I really think psycho therapy helps. I really think psycho therapy helps. I really think psycho therapy helps.
 Gram says that if you can say something three times in a row real fast it will become true.
 I love my life. I love my life. I love my life.
 Fuckballs. Manana, y’all.

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2 Responses to “Tomatoes For Squatlo; Reckmonster Review”

  1. Squatlo says:

    Barnes and Nobles would be a lot more entertaining if they allowed tomato kitchens and cold beer. You may have the solution to the growing death of book stores sweeping the nation, Mooner. Make ’em serve garden tomatoes and cold beer!

  2. YAY MOONER! So proud of you, my friend! Not one single date out of whack!!

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