@Reckmonster And Squatlo Inspire; MoonerJohnson.com Back In Business


So. After a frustrating few months it appears that moonerjohnson.com and its attendant bloggie are once again fully operational. I know you have heard this before, but I think I mean it this time.

As a computer dumbass I am always at the mercy of the strange digi-geeks and web lords who populate the world of my computer’s guts.

Holy shit was that a metaphoric nightmare of a sentence. What I tried to say is that I know nothing and the guys who work on my computer and Inet problems are like alien gods when they can fix my shit.

Dustin came through again. He has been trying to get me to switch from GoDaddy as the hoster company that serves-up my stuff for quite some time. As a loyal person, I make changes in my relationships with great resistance, so I resisted the change to Host Gator until yesterday.

OK, I hear the unasked question spinning through your brains. It goes something like this: “How in the fuck can a man with ten ex-wives maintain the position that he is loyal?”

Answer: “Easy, I’m a victim of circumstance. Both my marriages and divorces have been, for the most part, accidental.”

I’m in too good a mood to worry about explaining myself any further than that. My ADHD will not gain control of my thoughts, I’m too happy to get distracted. Which reminds me. Squatlo and The Reckmonster have said some things about gardens and I was planning to do a spring veggie garden planting tutorial when my site started crashing and I never got to it. So, let me summarize some of what I was going to say. I’ll do it in outline format as follows:

  1. Plot. Decide what you want to grow first. Then lay the plot out on a piece of paper. Organize your rows and mounds using the plant size and spacing dimensions for their growth. A crowded garden is a sad garden. Everybody needs room to grow.
  2. Prepare your soil. Use compost– the real thing, and only use organic fertilizers. And follow the fucking planting instructions for the liquid seaweed and stuff. Be careful of big box store bagged compost. It is often NOT actual compost. Not always, but often.
  3. Make water-gathering wells around your plants to collect water and deliver it to the roots of your plants. Once your garden has been properly plotted and planted, water is the most critical part of your efforts. “Too much, too little?” That, my friend, is the critical question. Read up on your choices, then water each variety separately. Those water wells around each plant will help you apply water where you want it to go.

OK, enough for now except to say that mushroom bedding compost and poultry compost are the best types for tomatoes in the many areas of the US wherein I have personal experience. If you have a choice and can choose mushroom or poultry, choose them. If not, pick whatever is your favorite barnyard animal from your options and you will get fine tomato crops. Love pigs– get pig manure compost.

Now, should you choose to not grow tomatoes in your home garden, go fuck yourself you right-wing conservative shitball. Get the hell out of here and logon to glenfuckingbeck.com. Leave me alone.

You can’t trust a man won’t eat homegrown tomatoes.

I’m cracking a cold Carta Blanca beer and slicing some Early Girls for breakfast. It’s a glorious day.

Manana, y’all.

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8 Responses to “@Reckmonster And Squatlo Inspire; MoonerJohnson.com Back In Business”

  1. Y’know…you’re back and you are antagonizing your Volunteer State friends with all of this “I’m eating tomatoes RIGHT NOW, bitches!” talk. Mooner, that’s just rude. I think you may just be full of shit. I think, to PROVE your tomato-growing prowess, you should send me and your buddy Squat a sampling of your tomatoes – and let US sing your praises. Because the alternative – me and Squat breaking into the Johnson Family Compound to abduct some of said tomatoes, resulting in us getting arrested – would only make Squat’s lovely (and dangerous) wife angry at having to bail us out of jail – and she’d likely kick YOUR ass. So, for your safety – it makes more sense that you send me and Squat the tomatoes, dammit.

  2. Reck. OK, first, “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!”

    Second, would love to ship you some but how? Have been thinking of a trip back east and maybe can drop some off.

    Third, a break-in at the ranch would be a very bad idea. Gram mans the watchtower with her trusty 12-gage.

    Fourth, I will make an attempt to be less in yo face re: my precious orbs. Which reminds me, how are your’s?

  3. Squatlo says:

    I am less concerned with the tomatoes right now than with the fact that for two days in a damn row I’ve been able to access your blog just as if I were going to a normal person’s blogsite… I didn’t have to dump cookies, delete temp files, undress, do a cavity search at the Go Daddy door (although Danica Patrick can search any cavity she wants anytime she wants to) and best of all, I got here on the first day-um try.

    Now for the ‘mater matters… I’m with Reck. I don’t think you’re harvesting Early Girls a week before I even put mine out in the garden, dammit. Just not fair.
    And this ‘water well’ business… does that imply digging a little pit next to a tomato plant’s location to collect water? Are you suggesting a post hole digger pit next to each plant? If so, how deep are we talking and how close to said plant?

    I’ve got the mushroom dirt spread out over the garden, but we had a monsoon yesterday so I’m not able to till for at least two or three more days. Rained all morning, so don’t count today, either.

    One more question, Mooner… what do you use for tomato stakes? Are you a fencer? Using a circle of fencing around each plant, or do you tie individual branches up with twine or cloth to one stake? I’m curious to know how major leaguers pull it off without having to go out there every day to tie off the vines as they outgrow the stake…

    so many questions, so little time…

    And if you have to mail tomatoes (orbs) to Reck, I think she should share orb photos with you. And because I’m sort of the odd man out in this menage a trois, you can copy/paste them on to me… shhhh, just don’t tell her what you’re doing. I wouldn’t want that little woman pissed with me!

  4. Squat. I’m in bloggie heaven and afraid to pinch myself. Everything works well and all is sharp and crisp. Don’t want to blame GoDaddy, but…..

    The early arrival tomatoes at the Johnson ranch this year is due to both clever planning and the greenhouse. I would be eating homegrowns out of the greenhouse if the weather wasn’t so great this year. But grown-in-the-ground are better by far. But don’t envy me too much. Crops will peter out here in early-late July and then we’ll have little until the fall crop starts producing. Our outdoor season usually has pickings from mid-May to mid-July on the summer crop.

    The water well is simply a dirt berm of circular shape that will create a “bowl around the plant. You put water into the bowl area and it stays put to soak to the roots of that particular plant. You can make bigger bowls around plants of the same variety and on the same level if you want. Tomato plants want deep watering and then be allowed to dry some before rewatering. People tend to overwater and make trouble, like blossom end rot.

    My tomatoes are mostly in hog wire cages. The openings are large enough to reach in and bring out the largest fruit but will keep the plant stabilized. We stake each plant close to its stalk and tie it loosely to help prevent it from bending to the sun too much.

    If I could ever figure out how to post photos on my website I’d send you some. Photos.

    Cross your fingers that my web demons have been fully exorcized.

  5. Squatlo says:

    Shoot, this thing looks good, man. I’ve been over here about four times without having to wipe files and genuflect before the Go Daddy altar, so I think you’re good!

    Glad you cleared up the “tomato” well thing before I dug pits next to my plants. Shit, I stay confused.

    You can post pix to email, dammit…

  6. admin says:

    Squat. Post pix to email?

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