Mountain View Lurkers; Fluck Plick Pelly


So. As if Texas Governor Rick “Do I Look Thinner In Cowboy Boots” Perry didn’t do enough things to set our state back fifty years in the Regular Legislative Session, he’s now Special Sessioning us back another twenty years. Sessionating? Sessionalizing, got to be Special Sessionalizing.

The Special Session was called specifically to deal with the critical budget issues he was unable to resolve. Had to make time for the important stuff like allowing handguns on school properties and forcing a woman to have an intimate relationship with her fetus before any abortion procedure. Our $27 Billion budget shortfall was considered a secondary issue.

As one of his last in-your-face acts of the regular session of our legislature, his redistricting plan was approved. Every ten years, as the Census provides states with new Congressional Districts and shifting population concentrations, the majority party in our state uses redistricting to fuck over their harshest critics and strongest opponents.

Long-standing Texas Congressman Lloyd Doggett has been one of Little Pricky Perry’s harshest critics. Austin and Travis County have forever been staunchly Democratic and Congressman Doggett has long been our man. A more human person cannot be found as an elected official, and and his strong stands for personal rights and protections for our weak are his hallmarks.

For decades, the city Austin and Travis County have held the boundaries for the US Congressional District office held by Mr. Doggett. For decades he has represented the wishes of our citizens. But he is likely spending his last days representing “those lefties” as we are known down to the current Texas Legislature. What twenty years of right-wing political shenanigans has failed to do, the Republican religious fuckballs in this state Congress have done with the swipe of a pen.

Our geographic area, a solid blob on any map showing population and development, has been divided into five separate geographic districts diluting Austin’s voters’ ballots. Evaluating statewide voter preferences, the Legislature has managed to divvy-up Austin voters into four voter Districts and turn our voting effect from solid Democratic into a minority in each of the five areas. Four total actual Districts, but five distinct geographic areas.

In order to dilute the power of Austin voters, the Republicans were required to go to extreme lengths. The new map reminds me of a Ren and Stimpy cartoon when they had the flu. Remember the closeup of Ren’s eyeballs with the bloodshot veins? That’s this new map.

The map looks like it was drawn by first graders, an obvious comment on the group mental prowess of the draw-ers. The Districts are long and skinny affairs drawn to take the urban population of one of America’s finest cities and dilute it through enough Republican and Tea Bagger ranch land to make each area conservative in the majority.

One of these areas stretches from Austin westward to what is basically El Paso, a distance of more than 550 miles. Guys, that is the same distance as between Nashville and Washington DC.

I’ll miss Lloyd Doggett. When I won the Environmental Excellence Award I’m not supposed to talk about here because it’s in the fucking book, Congressman Doggett sent me a personal letter of congratulations and thanks. Governor Perry, the unwitting party responsible for sponsoring my selection, chose to not make the award presentation to me. Instead he had the Assistant Governor do the photo op the year I was a winner.

Fuck Rick Perry and each of his ilk.

Which reminds me. Every time I check my “who has been logged-on to my webber and bloggie” dealie, one, or more, viewers are from Mountain View, California. The listings show from nine to as many as fifteen viewers on the first page of listings, and there is always a Mountain View watcher shown. Always.

And these Mountain View viewers all have IP addresses that start “74.125.”, and then often the entire numbers are but a single, last digit different. WTF is up with that?

Really, whatinthefuck is going on? I looked up tech industries on Google and found that Mountain View is a tech hotbed. But why are you fuckers spending so much time with my site? Are you reading my stuff or monitoring my un-American activities or what?

Come on, help me figure this shit out. Would one of you guys tell me what is so fucking fascinating here to keep you constantly logged-on?

I think I’m getting paranoid. Technologies scare me in the first place. I’m always worried that any device that can bring us closer together can also provide access to our personal secrets. These Mountain View guys seem like lurkers to me. They never threaten or act untoward, they just sit and stare with unblinking eyes. I know that I’m not interesting enough to read constantly.

Maybe those are the guys who suck my content like a leech and then translate it into different languages and then put it on the I-net plastered with advertisements. I Googled myself a few days ago and found that I’m a Chinese dude sponsored by a cigarette company and a chiropractor with a big-toothed smile. Whythefuck do the Chinese care what I have to say about Texas politics?

Maybe I should say, “Fluck Plick Pelly!”

Maybe that was inappropriate. But who gives a shit. I wonder how that translates into Chinese. And how does a Chinese guy say my name– “Moonel?” “Moonel and Glam and Squilt and Honol.” And “Stleakel Jones.”

And whatever happened to the Benny Hill Show? I never see it anywhere. And Ren and Stimpy for that matter. I loves me some dog and cat humor.

Speaking of dogs and cats, I have promised Squirt and Honor the cat a fishing trip. The circus that breaks out when we go to the lake has become my major entertainment value. For the price of a few sixers of Carta Blanca beer and a few hours of my time, I get my troubles washed away.

So, I hanging the “Gone Fishing” sign. Manana, y;all.

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4 Responses to “Mountain View Lurkers; Fluck Plick Pelly”

  1. Squatlo says:

    Mooner; I think the Mountain View lurker might have come from my link to your site. I’ve had a Mountain Viewer since day one on my blobber, and I’m pretty sure it’s one of my FB friends who took the link to my blogsite, and now to yours. They never comment, so don’t beg.
    What’s freaky is when you do that location search and find out that 8,000 unique views have come from Taiwan. That happened to me a month or two ago, and it really weirded me out. For days I was getting a thousand times more viewers than normal, and all were coming from that country. I hadn’t written anything of interest to someone in Taiwan, and most of the seaches seemed to be coming from a University there. Perhaps I was helping to teach southern English dialect? Maybe they were preparing me for a hack? A spam flood? Who knows. The excess traffic lasted about a week, then slowly petered out.

    Your governor is a tool, and your legislature rivals ours for partisan hackery. We are infested with stupid in Nashville, and most of the duller blades are elected representatives of the people who want to be represented by their peers. “He’s dumber’n me, so I’m votin’ for him!”

  2. Squat. I remember your Oriental onslaught and it was freaky. I know I’m as Gram calls it, “parlornoid and freaky breakneck,” but is it really schizophrenic if they are stealing your shit?

    Maybe Squatlo means “powdered rhinoceros horn” in one of those Chinese dialects. You know how crazy Oriental men are for endangered-species penis enhancements.

    Little Taiwan dude logs on to you site, and says to his wife, “I gonna oldel me some lhinocelos holn flom Squatlo. Maka my little plick sooooo big an hald!” Somebody stop me. I miss Benny Hill.

  3. OK, now I realize that I didn’t save my final edit of this story and it has a dozen typos in the published version. I’m an idiot as well as a fucking lunatic.

    If I was a horse…

  4. Squatlo says:

    Go tell Gram, and she’ll tell you what I’m tempted to… (“It don’t make a shit, Mooner!”)

    Half of my posts are chock-full of creative spelling, dangling participles, preposition ending sentences, and I couldn’t care less… I left the Harbrace Handbook in my high school locker (with a roach clip in it, if I’m not mistaken) and haven’t looked back.

    Typos are evidence of a busy mind! A neat house is evidence of a warped one. Carry on…

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