Epiphanies Suck; Rick Perry Too


So. Life is strange. Remember when you were age ten when you had your first “I’m-so-much smarter-than-when-I-was-X” epiphany? You know, you come to some important realization about yourself or the world around you, and then you feel a burst of pride that you have matured sooooo very much since whatever age it is that you are comparing your current self to?

Like right this minute, I’m thinking that I am sooo very much smarter at self-editing than just a few years ago. When I first started writing, I would reread that last paragraph and think to myself, I’d think, “Well said, Mooner my man. Well fucking said.”

But today I see those same words and realize that– -while I said exactly, and with great specificity, precisely what it was I wanted to say—I might have communicated accurately with maybe 41% of you guys.

Which reminds me. Yesterday’s breakfast conversations centered on the inappropriatenesses of my various bloggie behaviors. I told you about one aspect of the debate when Mother accused me of being a racist and ruining her life. There were more, many more recriminations against my actions here to bloggieland. Mother was on a roll, and I don’t mean a blog roll. Or an egg roll, dinner roll or even a role model. It was more she was whacking me with her rolled up Baptist Prayer leaflet.

Another of the things about my blogging she finds unconscionable, a second harbinger of her fall from grace in her Baptist church, is my use of the word “guys.” OK, and let’s stop for a second and look at this little dealie. How in the fuck do you decide where to put punctuation marks around quotation marks when the marks are not an actual part of any modifications or adornments to whateverthefuck it is that’s placed between the quote marks?

And now, for shitsakes, I have managed to mangle multiple thoughts and story lines all at the same time. I’m confusing myself. Let me start over. First, should that period (the punctuation mark and not the unit of time) have been placed inside the quotes or, rather, immediately after. Said another way, was it grammatically correct as done, like this: “guys”.; or should I have gone like this: “guys.”… And holy shit, where do I place the fucking question mark I wanted to put after the second example of quote punctuation?

Shit. What I want to communicate to you is my confusion and I have the confidence of near certainty that you do, indeed, get that. That I am confused.

So, Mother said that when I call you guys “guys”, I am hurting many of your feelings. “Most women will even be offended when you call them guys,” were her specific words.

Since that pissed me off, I stewed all day and finally decided to look up the definition. What I found is that the formal use of guys is intended for male genital-attached humans only. However, in it’s informal use the word guys is meant for all sexes.

Therefore, when I say “you guys” I am doing so informally so as to be neither racist nor discriminatory in any manifestation of bigotry. Rather I am being magnanimously inclusive of all creatures, races and religions. Well maybe not all religions, or for that matter magnanimously either.

But my ADHD has managed to digress the ever-loving shit out of us. Where I meant to go with this is to say that I have had many of those certain-age epiphanies. When I was ten I looked back at my nine-year-old self and giggled at my earlier childishness. The when I was nineteen I did the same with sixteen. Again at twenty-five and thirty and thirty-eight and so on through life.

I started to have one of those moments last night when I looked to the dictionary to settle the dispute over calling you guys “you guys.” (OK, now look at where I placed that period. Is that correct?) I was starting to think that I am soooo very much smarter than when I was a kid when it hit me, and it hit me hard.

I realized, a realization that still sits like three-pound bean burrito in my stomach, that as I get older I realize just how much I don’t know. I realize that I’m not getting smarter, I’m just getting older. And what a fucking Ugh! moment that was.

Do you guys have Ugh! moments. Ugh! moments are like Oprah’s Aha! Moments except without all the bullshit and silly pretenses. Ugh! Moments are when you realize the you or the world are fucked up. Like now.


At least T-Q freed me from the chains of racism. He approved of my behaviors. So let’s hoist a Carta Blanca beer to T-Q and drink to racial diversity.

FUCK RICK PERRY, and I’ll see y’all manana.

Print Friendly

2 Responses to “Epiphanies Suck; Rick Perry Too”

  1. Squatlo says:

    I heard this standup comedian once saying, “When I was about ten, I was such a little asshole. Always tormenting my little brother, pestering my mom, making messes… and when I got into high school I realized what an asshole I’d been in middle school, cutting up in class, farting around with other assholes when I should have been paying attention… and then when I was in college I couldn’t believe what an asshole I’d been in high school… and now when I think back on it, I realize I was such an asshole in college… I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an asshole.”

    Something like that?

  2. Squat. Sometimes self reflection is counter productive.

Leave a Reply