MS Vista Sucks; Live Grasshoppers Make Good Fish Bait


So. How long has it been since I bitched about my computer’s Microsoft Vista operating system?

Well, that’s too fucking long.

I’m doing the acknowledgments and dedication stuff for my book with my editor, Justine Goldberg from over to Write By Night, and there’s a few additional items in the book part that we are attempting to get tightened-up for publication. But every time she sends me the corrected manuscript, what we professional authors respectfully call the “mss”, it looks like a class of Alabama ninth graders got hold of it when I open the mss on my Vista machine.

The page numbers are all screwy, margins and spacing is all messed up, and things corrected ten edits ago keep popping up. It’s a total fucking mess.

Wait, was that too harsh back there, the part about the Alabama schools students? Do you find that style of humor offensive? If so, either grow a sense of humor or go fuck yourself.

Of course, what with the way that Texas governor Little Rick “The Prick” Perry and our state legislature screwed our education system the last year or so, that particular joke will be turned on me. When Rick Perry gets all Texas schools dumbed-down to his level of mental acuity, Alabamians will be making Texas ninth grader jokes. Alabamanites? How about Alabamanis?

Whateverthefuck, we Texans seem headed to become the go-to state for education jokes. Just like my Vista system is the joke of computer operating systems.

This morning I was sitting here reviewing Justine’s latest edit comments. The Squirt had gotten me up at 4:30 am to feed her some breakfast, and that awakened the cat and the menagerie of heavyweight pets slumbering in my closet. I padded out to the kitchen and loaded a tray with Squirt’s breakfast and snacks for the rest of us, and brought them to my room. If I had taken my collection of mostly domesticated animals to the kitchen and awakened the house… well, that’s a terrible way to start a day. The sight of my Gram with less than a full night’s sleep is, simply put, terrifying.

Anyway, I was reading, or attempting to read, Justine’s work and I’m cussing and sputtering and throwing a fit. Squirt, Honor the cat, Rush Limbaugh and the ostrich Rick Perry have eaten their snackies and gone back to bed. I guess my stammering and cussing is disturbing them because they are all harumphing and rolling over and throwing covers like you do when someone is annoying your sleep.

I cursed and then banged my keyboard on the desk when I saw this one Vista blunder and I guess the Squirt had reached a limit with me.

“?Que’ cono ist lis mit dir? Vous reveillerles morts!” Squirt almost barked at me.

“I’m sorry, little lady, I guess I am noisy enough to wake the dead. It’s this Vista operating system giving me the shits again”

“Then drown it in gasoline and set a match to it,” she told me. “I need my beauty rest.”


I went back to the kitchen and fired up some coffee and when it was brewed, I took a big thermos mug and walked out to the garden. It was glorious. The sun was just squirting its first yellow rays of the new day through the trees that border our property and the robins were chasing grasshoppers. I love robins and hate grasshoppers.

I spent the better part of an hour cheering the robins and then decided to join them. I started chasing and catching the little varmints and stored them in my big, lidded thermos. I was almost giddy as I chased and imprisoned the flying rats. When I’d filled the mug I headed back to get the fishing equipment ready. Blue gill love them some live grasshoppers!

Somehow I know I should feel at least some small tingle of remorse for the pleasure I anticipated at feeding live grasshoppers to fish. Somehow my Baptist upbringing should have fertilized my mind to grow a better guilt reflex. But I just don’t give a shit. I’m just lucky I escaped from Baptist dogma at age fourteen.

Otherwise I might have ended up liking Governor Rick Perry.

Ick! I need to wash my mouth out with Carta Blanca beer.

Manana, y’all.

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One Response to “MS Vista Sucks; Live Grasshoppers Make Good Fish Bait”

  1. Squatlo says:

    First you have an infestation of Bush’s, then Ricky Pricky Perry, and now grasshoppers? Sure they’re not locusts? I could begin to find Biblical connections if they’re locusts…

    We sometimes use crickets up here, but rather than scamper around trying to find them, we usually just stop by the bait shop and buy a tube or two to fish with. And you’re right, bluegill love the little hoppers.

    Had to drive all the way into Nashvegas this morning to find a fly fishing shop… for some reason the stores here in Murfreesboro that used to sell fly fishing gear have all decided there’s no market for the stuff I fish with, so they’ve discontinued all of it. Had to drive about 100 miles, round trip, to get a package of fly line and some popping bugs at Pro Bass Shop (where I could easily spend my entire monthly retirement pension if my lovely finance minister didn’t watch the account so closely…).

    but it’s easier than catching grasshoppers, and almost as effective on the water.

    Prick Perry Sucks… y’all keep his ass down there, y’hear?

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