Tell Your First Time To Masturbate Stories– Or Else

 

So. When I started yesterday’s bloggie posting I had something very important to tell you. By the time I finished, I had forgotten what was so fucking important and ended up talking about the first time I ever masturbated. OK, the first ever time I masturbated. I’ve been recently re-scolded as to my grammatical shortcomings and I vowed to redouble my efforts at clarity.

By the time my mind had wandered from the subject of telling lies to that of masturbation, I had a bright idea. I like how some bloggers ask a question with each of their postings at the end as a way to stimulate comment and conversation. I thought I would do the same to see what you might have to say on the subject. My question was asking you guys to tell us about what you used the first time you masturbated.

I used Ivory Soap and told you so. I exposed my soft under belly and laid my delicate sensibilities on the alter for your perusal. All I asked in return was for you to return the favor and tell me about your first experience with one-man sex.

But not a single one of you answered the call to public service– not a single fucking one of you wrote back. Nary a one of you had the balls to place your secrets into print and tell your story. Of the several hundred of you who have already read yesterday’s posting, not a one of you has the balls to put yourself out there.

Chickens. Buk-buk-bukawk!

At breakfast this morning I was bitching about this, and Gram had a thought. “Oh quit yer bitchin’, Mooner. You didn’t say shit, jest that ya used yer fucking Ivory Soap. Tell a fuckin’ story or shut tha fuck up.”

Then, of course, she had to tell the entire table about the first time she masturbated. “How ’bout I tell my story to prime tha pumper fer ya. Maybe when they read my story it’ll agitate em inta telling theirs.”

(Those of you readers with squeamish stomaches need to log off now– the following contains disturbing images.)

“Here’s what happened ta me tha first time. You member when yer Aunt Hilda an me was getting’ chased by them big African fellers over to tha Congo, don-cha Mooner?”

I told her that I did but I wasn’t printing that story here because it’s in the book. She gave me the evil eye and said, “I ain’t telling ’bout tha boat ride, ya little shit, I’mma tellin’ ’bout how I diddled myself tha first time. Ain’t what you was askin’?”

“Yes, Gram,” I said as patiently as I could. “Specifically, I asked what they used at that time as I had just told them that I used Ivory Soap.”

“Well that’s what I’mma tell ya. You rememberate yer great uncle Bobby, you know Hilda and my daddy’s brother? Tha one what lost his leg over ta Cuba inna war an hadda walk with a cane?”

I answered, “Yes, Gram, how could I forget. That crazy old fart had that fancy ivory walking stick with all of those beads and animal heads carved into it.”

“Well, fancy you should’a brung up that cane a his ’cause that there’s what I used ta rub off my first climaxer. Still use it when I ain’t got me a man around.”

Ugh. Ugh, ugh and ugh again. I inherited that walking stick and have lent it to a dozen people to use either for when they play dress-up and need a fancy cane, or for when they are injured and need the help.

“Oh for shit sakes, Gram, I let people use that cane. I can’t let people borrow something that you use as a giant dildo.” My stomach turned over when I imagined things.

“Listen here, ya little shit,” she said. “I ain’t never hurt a thing one on yer precious fucking pecker-shaped stick. Only thing I done is rub all the hair off’un tha lion’s head onna top.” She paused and added, “Oh yea, an I lost tha erring that was in tha little guy’s ear one time, but I was sexin it up with Henry Hammond this one time an he found it.”

Now she’s laughing at the memory. Gram slaps her thigh and said, “It was a fuckin’ hoot. Ole Henry he’s a slurping away and comes up an spits tha little loop inta his hand. ‘I been a lookin’ fer that, sweetie’ I told him.”

All I could do was try to not gag on my undigested breakfast. You would think that after all these years of living with that old randy gasbag I would be immune.

“Anyway,” Gram continued the story of her initial masturbation, “I sunk that puppy all tha way to them elephant heads onna very first try…”

That was when Mother gasped and feinted straight out, her body slumping in her chair. Mother has a weak constitution so I got her a chair that would contain her limp body and keep it from dropping to the floor.

Just so you know, the twin elephant heads on the cane are each the size of half a tennis ball and they sit maybe eight inches from the lion’s head that adorns the top of the ivory stick.

“Gram,” I told her, “no more, I can’t take any more of this story.”

She looked at me in disgust and said to me, she said, “Pussy.”

I got up to take my dish to the sink and Gram said, “While yer up whyn’t ya grab me a Carta Blanca. All a this sex talk made me thirsty.”

And all of Gram’s sex talk has given me an idea. I still want you to tell your first masturbation stories. If you don’t, I’ll get Gram to tell you about the time she almost “accidentally” had sex with the neighbors goat.

So, come on and spit it out. Manana, y’all.

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14 Responses to “Tell Your First Time To Masturbate Stories– Or Else”

  1. Squatlo says:

    Okay, Mooner, the reason I didn’t comment on your last post until now is because I’m just now getting around to reading it. Saturday was an all day ordeal shooting a youth duathlon here in town, then processing a thousand pictures for the website, and then finding that my website uploader had been changed on me and no longer resizes the photos for display… long story even longer, I busted my ass getting those pictures up and didn’t get around to looking at blogs until today.
    Thought the Ivory Soap story was great. I prefer Caress, myself, or Tone, ’cause any other brands of soap end up drying out my skin to the point where I need half a gallon of lotion just to turn it back from sandpaper to flesh.
    And once I’ve got a handful of lotion, I’m liable to abuse myself.
    Speaking of self-abuse, I don’t remember the first time, but I’m pretty sure of three things: I did it right handed (still can’t get off lefty, so if I lose my right hand my sex life will have gone with it…at least my solo sex life). The second certainty is that I was ashamed, nervous, and felt guilty about masturbating, because good Catholic boys are taught that things like that are to be confessed on Sundays in a dark closet with another man on the other side of the curtain… and I wasn’t confessing shit! Thirdlyish, I’m pretty sure I enjoyed myself quite a lot, because I’ve not lost the urge to pull one off from time to time, and I’m pushing 57 this month. Years, not masturbations. 57 in a month would be my seventeen year old average, or thereabouts.

    and if you’re looking for lubricants, hair conditioner is hard to beat. Beat, get it?
    Shit, how’d you get this started?
    Fuck Rick Perry…

  2. admin says:

    Squat. Thanks for maning-up. Sorry to hear about you photo problems. Computers are like women– they can bring you so much joy…………….

    This whole masturbation dealie came up by accident when I digressed a story about telling lies. Once I realized I had digressed I figured I’d use the trangression as a marketing tool. After deciding to use the public domain for personal gain, it dawned on me that I might entice some of our lady friends to post their first-time stories.

    Thinking of what the Daft Scots Lass or Recmonster or T-cat might put to print sent me to the shower for a session with Ivory Soap.

    And that reminds me. Fuck Prick Perry, and have you read the accounts of his recent appointment over to the Texas Railroad Commission? Grat story for you.

  3. Squatlo says:

    Dammit, I knew I had forgotten something! No, I need to read up on the railroad thing down there. Thanks for the reminderment.

  4. Mooner, I hate to disappoint you, but I don’t think chicks really “discover” the merits of masturbating as adolescents – as a matter of fact, it isn’t until we discover that we can find the spot faster than you men can that rubbin’ one out even becomes a matter of importance. And I’d have to echo Squat about the Catholic thing – you get pretty fucking paranoid about even THINKING about masturbation as a Catholic youngster. So, who even KNOWS when the first time was…all I know is that it was well into adulthood, and certainly not as a teen. And like I said – it became more an issue of “LOOK! Not there…HERE! Not like THAT…like THIS!” which morphed into…fuck that, I can get there faster than he can if I do it myself…which morphed into, “What a GREAT little gadget this thing is!!!” which has thus situated itself into many a man’s imagination…just like I imagine it is doing with you RIGHT NOW.

  5. Squatlo says:

    Reckem, gadgets are way underrated, in my opinion. Personally, if they made a pocket rocket men could noodle around with and get off multiple times per session, none of us would go to work. We’d own dozens of the damn things, have them everywhere our peckers might need one, and forget to eat for days at a time.

    The reason the species hasn’t died out is because guys need about six or eight hours to recover. That gives us time to kill something and eat it before we think about our dicks again. See how this works out?

  6. admin says:

    RECK. OK, first, thanks for the man-up, but second, the requirement was to NAME your toy since it’s a toy that fullfills the challange. What I need here is make, model, your color of choice, what you do with it, and…..

    Sorry, I needed a minute with my Ivory Soap. Which brings me to third, if women will just tell us men what/where/how, most of us would jump at the chance to DO THE RIGHT THING. Maybe that would be DO THE THING RIGHT.

    In my continuing quest for knowledge, maybe you could call me next time you plan to buzz one off and I can take notes.

    SQUAT. You crack my ass up! Now I’ve got images of a new men’s undergarment product.

  7. GOT HERE FROM SQUATLO and I’m impressed already.

    Basically, I’m impressed by anything that has masturbation in it.

    The first time I masturbated was…well, I can’t remember, but I know I stuck my finger up my asshole when I was 10 out of pure curiosity. Although that probably doesn’t count.

    When I first started to uh, play with myself, it was to explore, not for sexual arousal. Since I’m home schooled, I have plenty of opportunities to locate my clit any moment of the day.

    So…yes, don’t home school your kids.

  8. admin says:

    Lemons. I find myself at a loss here. When you say that you are home schooled, I assume you are speaking of you master’s degree in home economics?

    I very much appreciate you stopping by and encourage you to visit often. I’ll visit you sometime soon.

  9. dave says:

    i was 14 i was on top on my bad i put my hand down the front of my jeans and started to rub my self i could not stop my penis got hardand this wonderful feeling as my penis ejeculated

  10. ; Lexus . says:

    – okay , well im lexus . im sixteen and im stressed and starting tew feel insecure . i started masturbating about three years ago , something like that . and now im tired of it . it makes me feel out of place and im just not me any more . i just wantted tew be able tew share my story with the world and i hope any and everyone whos in my shoes takes this advice . tew be honest this isint my first time tryna do something tew make this change official , its been tew m,any times tew count that ive tried tew store in my notes , calander ,wrote down on papre , prayed , and about two or three times put on the enternet that im going tew stop once in for all .im very girly girl , i work , and im very out going and most people see me that way buht really on the inside i feel sad , worried , stressed , down , and evey other insecure feeling a girl could have . at first i didnt wanna consider this an addiction buht now i have no choice because i dont wanna be addicted tew anything that interfers with my life . today is september 15 2011 , i actually just got done masturbating and i feel like shit . and im done with that , im done feeling insecure around other girls , because at the end of the day they cant see behing my smile and they dont know what i do or what i go through , and something that makes me feel even more like shit is when i see the one and only girl that i wanna measure up tew or even just have what she has plus more , not tew sound selfish . buht i realized that i cant even think tew start on that untill i fufill my own needs , set and complete my own goals and make myself better . ive tried on my birthday because i though it would be official then , ive tried punishing myself , and even going out of my way tew do things tew make it official . and the last official thing ive tried tew do was start all over on my senior year . buht turns out im still no better . im now admitting tew the world that i have an addiction , buht it will be nolonger , im goinh on tew start with the new me , and my new way of seeing life without feeling the way i feel without having tew feel less than myself or insecure . i love me and would do anything tew make me better , so somethings im going tew do tew also make myself better is 1.nomore smoking 2. nomore skipping school 3. NOMORE MASTURBATING 4.no more sex untill im out of high school. ive realized that the only thing tew do is tew set goals that i know i can take on and thats going tew be incredibly challenging . and so im gonna have my fun for these next three days and on tew the new lexie i go ; ) . monday , september / 19 / 2011 i will changed by the grace of god and nor shall i givin tew the devil thats kept this alive , no longer wil he bring me down , and i will be going back tew church . i must say i have fell of in life , and i wish i could restart . buht noones perfect and i have a whole life tew life . i know this is gonna be hard and i dont know whats tew come , buht whatever it is , i know it wont take me back tew the person i am today ( the old lexie ) . i love my life and i have high hope , dreams , goals and plans that i know will be successful , buht now while im young is time for me tew make innerself successful tew . and i cant wait . im gonna write out my goals and plans and after this is posted never will i return tew see . i hope this will help anyone in antkind of way . and i know it will help me because i have great plans set , and eventhough this may seem like punishment tew myself . i know soon enough im gonna turn out tew be just the girl i know was in me and that i love so much and i cant wait tew see and meet her . i wanna thank god for making all this possible and i know theres much more tew come because so far he has blessed me incredibly , and in every case he is my savior . and im glad i could share this and im happy , delighted , and tew proud and also speechless tew start my new life . here i come $ : ) ♥ .

  11. ; Lexus . says:

    – 11 / 19 / 2011 ♥ .

  12. admin says:

    Lexus. I’m no expert but I think you have what us old farts called teenage angst when we were kids. Looking back, that time of my life was the most incredible growth period I’ve had. But my own insecurities and concerns overcame my ability to enjoy those years. I wish I had known about psycho therapy then. Not because I’m crazy, but to have someone I could really trust to discuss things with.

    Masturbation isn’t sinful and it won’t damage you. Unless, of course, you think of Rick Perry while you hold your vibrator. Then you’ll end up a Republican and good people will shun you.

  13. deana says:

    I am very shy. I watched my brother masturbating when I was 12. After he finished I opened the door of his bedroom all the way and told him I was watching. He said all kids do it including girls. I went to the sex class at school telling us all about masturbation but I thought it was for older girls. I was just twelve and I wondered if I could masturbate. I went to bed that night and took all my clothes off. I was naked in bed. I started to play with my vagina and found places that really felt nice. I kept on playing and put a finger in a little ways and went up and down. Then I took two finger and went up and down and it was feeling good and I found out that on the top the feeling was greater. I took the two fingers and played on the top, and started going in circles. Something started to make me go faster and faster and soon I felt my first climax. I laid there exhausted. I licked my fingers. I got up and went to the bathroom to pee. I peed and took a mirror and looked at my vagina. I did not change but was somewhat larger and redder. I took a shower and combed my hair and went back to bed. I put on a bra and panties. Soon I was rubbing my clitoris over my panties. I responded to the feeling. Soon my hand was inside my panties and I was rubbing again. I took my panties off and before long I was going again with the circles. Again, I felt this great feeling. My legs went tight and I had a hard time to rub and I started to jerk and jerk. Wow, sex is wonderful.

  14. Glenn Willis says:

    “My neighbor and her girl friends watched me jerk off. They sat in front of me and watched me jerk off and cum. They liked it. I could hear them talking about me and laughing as they watched me beating off, so I jerked off in front of them three times. Each time I came real hard. They watched me cum and it felt great. They were all gorgeous brunettes. I loved it :)”

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