Marcus Bachmann Wins Camel Toe And Corn Dog Contest; Mooner’s Prayer Of The Day

 

So. OK, real quick. I need to go over to mow the grass at Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson’s place and the Squirt and Honor the cat are already loaded into the GTO. I must leave soon or else I’ll melt my handsome ass in sweltering heat.

Here’s what I wanted to tell you. I had this dream last night and the baseline plot was a camel toe and corn dog contest. Use your imagination.

We were up to the State Fair of Texas for the contest and I was the main judge and my diminutive dog and cat my able assistants. The Reckmonster was the blue ribbon winner and Michelle Bachmann was the red ribbon contestant. Mr. Michele Bachmann received a special “Pink Ribbon Award” for his act, a musical adaptation of Marilyn Monroe’s “Happy Birthday Mister President” [.]

That’s all very interesting but not what I wanted to tell you about my dream. The part I need you to hear is what happened at the Rick Perry for President rally taking place on the fairground stage next to ours. Hundreds had gathered for the little prick’s apostlations, but after maybe three minutes, a man yelled, “Fuck Rick Perry,” a pause and then, “Fuck Rick Perry.”

People shouted from around the crowd, “Yea, Fuck Rick Perry!” Then, first a few voices and then adding dozens with each chorus… “Fuck Rick Perry!… Fuck Rick Perry!… Fuck Rick Perry!”

It was amazing and wonderful. They even chanted like I do, saying it like this, “Fuck Rick Per-ry!” you know, not racing through the Perry part but, rather, dragging it out into two distasteful syllables.

So, I have a prayer for the day: Dear God, in all of Your many manifestations both real and imagined, I pray to you guys this really hot fucking morning to do two things for me today. First, how about a little rain for Christ sakes? I mean really, not all of us voted for Rick Perry. And speak of the devil, my second request is that you will make my dream come true. Oh, yea, and thank you for women and Carta Blanca beer. Manana, y’all.

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4 Responses to “Marcus Bachmann Wins Camel Toe And Corn Dog Contest; Mooner’s Prayer Of The Day”

  1. Squatlo says:

    As much as I deplore “rude behavior” (think Woodrow F. Call in Lonesome Dove kicking an army scout’s ass for messing with lil Newt…) I’d truly love to see a crowd chanting “Fuck Rick Per-ry” at every event from now until the election. Kind of like those BAdgers up in Wisconsin chanting “Shame!” at Scott Walker every time he appears in public. Reminds everyone of what a prick the guy is. Perry needs that kind of attention, night and day, day after day, at every appearance.
    hell, he’d probably go off and shoot into the crowd from behind the podium… At least that would end his career and take America off the hook.
    Go aggravate him, Mooner! You’re closer than the rest of us, already have the shirts and hats, and can take one for the team!

  2. Squat. Hell, the little shitball is out on the Big Trail. He don’t need us no more, no-siree Bob. Boy’s out to the big stage now.

    One of these days ask me to tell you about the rest of that dream. (But don’t let the Reckmonster know)

    FUCK RICK PER-RY!

  3. Q says:

    Now THAT is a dream! LOL! Wow. I bet you woke up with a smile that morning. I never have dreams like that. For me, it’s always filled with ugly chicks and / or some sci-fi creature. I think I need to drink more, I don’t know. Like you, I’m obsessed with Reck. Any woman considers putting a stick of gum in her man’s mouth as foreplay is marriage material for some lucky dude.

  4. admin says:

    TQ. Yessir, hearing the entire crowd chant “Fuck Rick Per-ry!” was a dream come true. OK, wait. Having the dream with the chanting is a dream of truth–no. Let me try again. The truth is that I had a dream about something I want to be true, therefore, should it actually happen anywhere outside of the confines of my skull as I sleep, it shall be a dream come true.

    Logic, my dear TQ, is my middle name.

    FUCK RICK PERRY!

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