Oh Ree-Kee; Rick Perry To Steal Jobs Back From Texas

 

So. The pompous little prick we Texans call “Our Asshole Governor” is on the road in a bus that declares “Get America Working Again” in his vain-glorious attempt to become president. Rick “Watch Out California I’m A Stealing Your Jobs” Perry, the former Texas Aggie yell leader, jack-booted cadet and right-hand man of Jesus is touting his record on job growth in Texas as the main reason he should be your president.

Oh, Reeeee-keeeee! Hey, Reeeee-keeeee! Pay ‘tention Ree-keee. Don’ choo read dee papers no more? Hel-looo.

For all of you younger readers, that last little bit was my best Ricky Ricardo imitation from the classic I Love Lucy TV show. I won’t take time now to draw comparisons between the pompous, big-haired, rude, mean and often stupid TV band leader to Governor Rick Perry. That would be inappropriate under the circumstances.

But Ree-kee needs to read the newspaper back here to his current home town and catch up on his job records. The latest records indicate that Texas has its HIGHEST unemployment rate in 24 years. Huh? Did I just say that Governor Perry has led Texas to its highest rate of joblessness in twenty-four years?

Yes, I did. Ooopsie.

When I first heard that the Prickster, that’s my new favorite nickname for the little shitball, was using job gains for America as his central campaign theme, I was flummoxed. I couldn’t figure it out. “How in the fuck,” I asked myself, “is he going to do that? Most of the job gains he managed to produce in Texas were jobs he stole from other states. He lured greedy corporations to Texas with tax abatements and lax environmental enforcements.”

I just could not figure out how that would work. Until I read today’s Austin paper to see that Texas is headed into higher unemployment. Squirt and Honor were sitting with me out on the patio drinking our coffee. I drink a strong cup of French roasted Costa Rican brew I make one cup at a time. I grind my beans into espresso powder and then use three tablespoons to brew each mug.

A little natural cane sugar, some organic half-n-half and viola—a magical brew. Honor the cat has yet to develop a taste for my coffee and opts for a small saucer of my near-cream dairy product. My diminutive puppy, on the other hand, is a caffeine junkie. She calls the dregs of my mug that I give her as I finish each one her “cup a Joe” [.] (for new initiates, that bracketed period, the [.] dealie I left for you at the end of the prior sentence is my personal grammar protest to the confusing methods of punctuating non-quotes that are fitted inside the loving embraces of quotation marks.)

“Te gusta mi cup a Joe, Bwana Mooner,” Squirt tells me. “Come on, man, I need a little jolt.” The little shit shakes and vibrates enough without the coffee fix, but I guess I’m a weak enabler. Maybe I should ask the vet about if it’s bad for her.

Holy shit is my ADHD on the rampage this morning. I just digressed my Rick Perry story with a coffee story and my head just filled with a re-visitation from the dream I had night-before-last where that big fuzzy teddy bear, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, won a special ribbon at a camel toe and corn dog contest I was judging. In my dream his act was a delightful mime of Marilyn Monroe’s famous Happy Birthday, Mister President dealie.

When it invaded my brain just now, I almost gagged on my Costa Rican.

Focus, Mooner, focus. OK, anyway, I figured out how Rick Perry is going to get jobs for America. Are you ready? Rick Perry is going to create jobs for America by stealing them back from Texas.

That’s right, he’s going to steal the previously stolen jobs back by taking them from Texas. A brilliant fucking strategy if I say so myself. Any means to his end. Rick Perry won’t mind fucking Texas to get ahead. Hell, that’s just how the boy rolls.

Man I feel good at having figured that out. After we work in the garden I’m loading the cooler with Carta Blanca beer and going fishing! Manana, y’all.

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2 Responses to “Oh Ree-Kee; Rick Perry To Steal Jobs Back From Texas”

  1. Squatlo says:

    Three tablespoons of grounds for one cup of go-juice? Jebus, Mooner, no wonder your mind skips around! I’d be skipping like the Energizer Bunny on crack with that much caffeine circulating.

  2. admin says:

    Squat. Conventional wisdom isn’t always the smartest. Just like some kids with the ADHD get more focused on speed, coffee helps me. To a point.

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