Rick Perry Says: “Global Warming Is Jesus’ Comforter”


So. I feel vindicated. At long last events that I predicted have come true. I remained strong in my convictions—held true to my beliefs—and now, the whole country sees that I was right.

And I have never been more fucking miserable than I am with this vindication.

For years, in fact the last four years, I have tried to tell you that the prick we call Texas governor Rick “Global Warming Is Jesus’ Way To Say I love You” Perry was going to run for President. I’ve said it so often that I started to bore myself. I have said it so often that I have managed to chase many of my readers away.

Now it has happened. Ricky Perry is a candidate. Rick Perry is smart in only one way—he knows how to get elected. Trust me, he has a smart staff and they know how to manipulate votes. Perry is a steamroller who pretends that he can’t hear criticism and walks through the firestorms caused by his ignorant, often stupid remarks.

When many of his remarks and positions finally started catching up with him in our last gubernatorial election, Perry refused to debate the other candidates. That allowed him to let his PAC fill the airwaves with sleight-of-hand ads to take the heat off of his weak debate skills.

If I was still a good Baptist boy, I would tell you that Rick Perry is a false prophet. I would tell you that he is one of those charismatic evil assholes that the Bible warns will lead masses to the slaughter. I won’t list every single thing that leads me to this conclusion, I will only give one simple example of what an evil little shit he is.

Global Warming. Look at his position on Global Warming.

In Texas, Governor Perry has spent the better part of ten years lowering the standards for air and water pollution as part of his program to lure greedy corporations from other states to our state. Greedy corporations that don’t care if they spoil our water and air if it means more profits for them. One result of this plan has helped Texas attract hundreds of businesses to come here and build plants. The second result is that Texas has become the state that creates the highest volume of noxious air pollution, and by a large margin at that.

To paraphrase the ignorant little shit head, “New science is coming out every day that shows man is not responsible for Global Warming.”

That’s right, folks, Earth is getting warmer because Jesus doesn’t want us to be cold. Or maybe God is unhappy with a few thousand of the creatures He created and He wants to kill them off. Hell, if Rick Perry is right about Global Warming, then I think God has a plan to kill humans off. How great would it be if God decided to let the entire human race commit slow, torturous suicide?


But, having spread that thick layer of malaise-o-naise on your breakfast muffins, I have another prediction. I think that the right wing Christian conservatives are going to self destruct. I think that enough of the great disinterested American voting populace will finally awaken to this danger and help stamp it out.

FUCK RICK PERRY! Fuck any person who attempts to rule Americans with religious-based ideologies. Fuck any-fucking-body who places business interests ahead of social welfare and education.

I think America will soon see through Rick Perry’s “I created jobs” rhetoric and see that he just stole jobs from other states and created opportunity by selling-off the environment. People will soon see that he will do the same to our entire country.

That felt good. I’ve got a garden to pick and then I’m having a Carta Blanca beer to celebrate the future political death of right-wing religious fuckballs. Manana, y’all.

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3 Responses to “Rick Perry Says: “Global Warming Is Jesus’ Comforter””

  1. Squatlo says:

    Just got over here after being out of the loop most of the day… I’d post something, dash off, mow grass, take care of home duties, post something, dash off, repeat… all damn day.
    Good post, Mooner. I had heard of your shitty governor before you told me to Fuck Rick Perry, but your attention to the guy made ME pay attention to the guy, and now I’m wiser for the warning. He’s dangerous.

    And if you think the American public is going to WAKE UP and realize what charlatons and assholes these Onward Christian Soldiers are, you’re about ready for another trip to Saint Bedlam or whatever they call it down there. Half of America can’t find their asses with both hands and a map. The other half knows what time it is, but has a hard-on because the guy they elected hasn’t made them multi-orgasmic like they’d hoped. Apathy sits out elections, pissed off gullible idiots go vote. Look around next time you’re in Walmart and ask yourself, do these people look like they’re up to speed on current events?

    Great post. Keep poundin’ away, man…

  2. Rizzy says:

    I think that the Rick Perry is too far right wing, for the independents. They like flexibility.

  3. admin says:

    Squat. I’m forever the optimist, I can’t help but think we’ll eventually get this right. I saw where yesterday little Ricky was asked about do we now teach “creationism” in our public schools. The silly asshole forgot that his proposals to do so had gained no purchase in the legislative process, and he answered in the affirmative.

    Perry keeps forgetting about that silly Constitution and the Supreme Court. Neither are far enough to the right for him.

    Rizzy. I hope you are right. Our fractured politics remind me of Fractured Fairytales, which reminds me that I miss Rocky and Bullwinkle. Life felt so much safer when our enimies were Boris and Natasha, Darling.

    Natasha was a hottie and Boris reminds me of the Newt, Gingrich.


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