Dog Training Success; Mooner Still Nuts


So. I told you guys about the new puppy named Pi and that Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson said he was a “touch skittish” after spending his first year of life locked in a cage. This little guy is a tad bit more than a touch skittish, and the people who run puppy mills need to be caged. Or castrated with dull pruning shears.

We had our first session with Marilyn Nichols yesterday afternoon and she has already worked wonders with the little guy. Marilyn runs Happy Puppy Tutoring, where her motto is “We train people and teach dogs”[.] Her basic philosophy is that the dog isn’t the problem but rather it’s the human who gets the dog all fucked up. She worked with the Squirt when Sammie first got the little love lump because Squirt had some stubborn aggressiveness.

Anyway, the little dog soon to not be named Pi is a wreck. Before Marilyn came over, unless he was cowering inside a cage, he was so freaked you couldn’t get within ten feet of him. You couldn’t touch him or even approach him without him giving you the high-tail act. He was a mess.

Marilyn uses a method of training/teaching she calls the submissive technique. Sometimes SAC Ellen and I use the submissive technique with our sexing but with dogs it’s a slightly different dealie. I’m going to screw up this description of her methods pretty seriously, but I’ve got the basic crux of matters and if you have a dog with emotional or behavioral problems, you need to call Marilyn.

OK, the theory is that unless your dog is intrinsically loony and incapable of training, all dog problems are emotional. Dogs are pack animals and packs have strong social systems that provide the emotional support required for dogs to be able to act right. If a dog lacks a strongly socialized pack—one in which he knows who is the leader and that the leader will protect him—then he will be incapable of acting sociably.

The only other way to get good dog behavior is to beat it into them.

Which reminds me. I didn’t watch the Republican debate, I haven’t read anything about it and I don’t give a shit about it. I could care less about anything they have to say.

So, here’s what Marilyn does to help teach dogs to be fruitful members of a family pack. She “submits” your dog. Just like the alpha dog in an all-dog pack, she puts the new dog on it’s side and she imitates exactly the actions the alpha dog would take. She pokes her fingernails into the muscle on the back of its neck and holds her hand on the dog’s rear flank—effectively imitating the alpha dogs teeth in the dominant grip and a body pin on the flanks.

What she wants to see when placing the dog in the submissive pose is for the puppy to submit. OK, well duh, Mooner, the submissive pose id designed to get a submit? What I should have said is that you want the dog to become fully relaxed and calm—like a lump of coal. No shaking, eyes void of that “I’m freaked” look, muscles relaxed. This state of submission is where your dog will find the emotional support it needs to be happy and well adjusted.

Totally fucking true. I remember when they first started working with the Squirt, she was a tough little nut to crack. Since she felt she was the alpha dog, she resisted giving in all the way. Now all I have to do it point to the floor and say, “Drop,” and she’s throws herself to the floor with her adorable little feet sticking out to the side.

Having said that, I think I might be abusing my alpha male privileges with her. I think it’s so cute when she does that that I use it as a parlor trick. A few weeks ago we were over to the La Madeline having breakfast at an outside table. I had a French dip sandwich with a side salad while I read the paper, and Squirt was having a runny egg. This quite cute college-age girl was at the table beside us with her poodle, a micro-mini white fluff ball. She was having him do tricks for little bites of food.

I remarked to the cute girl that her dog was cute and seemed well trained. The girl was wearing a UT Longhorn tee shirt and running shorts without under-garment top, or bottom. I will admit that my pulse quickened at the glimpses of should-be-hidden fleshinesses, but I would never act on the impulses. I will, however, act out on any occasion. I whispered to Squirt that I wanted her to go down into submissive to show off for the girl.

“No fucking way, Mooner,” Squirt told me. “Have you seen how dirty the concrete is? Why don’t you show her your tattoo instead. Or maybe some of your scars.”

Holy shit am I scatter-brained this morning. I’m not walking my pets because of all the wildfire smoke in the air and I think my ADHD might be backing up. But after just the one visit with Marilyn, the new puppy has shown remarkable changes. I can approach him and pet him and he even jumped up on the bed and slept with us last night.

And now I realize that I lied to you and I do care what happened in last night’s fuckball parade of right-wing shitheads. I’m grabbing a Carta Blanca beer and the front section of the paper. Manana, y’all.

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3 Responses to “Dog Training Success; Mooner Still Nuts”

  1. Too bad you can’t apply the same “submission” logic with cats. They’re so bitchy. Like chicks. Try and make a chick submit (*providing that she’s not “into” that…snicker snicker snicker) and you get a “FUCK YOU.” Cats do the same damned thing. My cat is pretty chill…but still, she’s bitchy sometimes. My dog is bitchy too (you see a trend here in my house????)…but she DOES recognize who is the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge). And since your new little pup is a boy…you need to give him a name that keeps with the theme of your nekkid-ness (you being “Mooner” and your BFF being “Streaker”…etc….). Maybe Flasher? (or Flash, for short.) Y’all could go flashing, streaking and mooning…BAHAHAHAHA!

  2. Squatlo says:

    That submission thing sounded promising, but when I tried it on my wife a little while ago she slapped me upside the head with her left foot before I could get that flank grip mastered. BUT, I felt totally relaxed and calm as she was standing over me, so I guess the technique works as advertised. Good to know who’s in charge, I always say. When I’m allowed to talk.

    Coming, dear… (gotta go, man!)

  3. admin says:

    Reck. OK, first, I’m starting to think that a cat is nothing more than a small, furry woman with sharper nails and slightly more independance. Watching Honor the cat operate halps me understand why many lesbians have absolutely zero interest in men. Like my Gram says, “It’s their peckers what catches my eye.”

    As for naming the new addition, Gram, again Gram, suggested, “Little White Shitball Who’s Got Him A Big Pecker”[.] Little fellow does have a bulldog’s hunk of man meat hanging on his ten-pound body.

    Squat. Sometimes the training is for the trainer. Next time try tricking her into submission with a treat. SAC Ellen likes those silly Dove chocolate candies–the ones with foil wrappers and really STUPID printed sayings. When she gets back to town I’m sitting on the sofa, patting the cushion beside me and saying, “Come here and put your head in my lap, Sweetie. I’ll feed you your stupid Dove candy and treat you like a fucking princess.”

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