Dum Perignon Newest Bloggie Roller Inductee: BJ Says Stay Away


So. It’s now time for me to announce the newest addition to my Bloggie Roller, and this one has been a tough one to pin down. It seems that to be under consideration for this award is the kiss of death. Wait, that’s quite an overstatement. To be considered by me to be placed on the list over there to the right =} is something akin to the kiss of fucked up blogger.

Did you know it took me thirty minutes to figure the best way to draw an arrow on this keyboard? You know, that =} arrow I just used to point over there. I’ve got arrow signs all over this fucking keyboard and not a single one of them types an actual fucking arrow. When I catch a minute I’m going to invent a new keyboard and incorporate all of the new stuff modern computer users need.

Like a “Fuck!” button and a “WTF” button. And actual arrows.

What I’m trying to say is that I was considering Colorful Rants of a Fed-up Sista for Bloggie Roller induction, and she took an extended vacation. I was ready to name A Daft Scott’s Lass and she changed her format from neighbor-lady-mommy-I-want-to-sex-up, and became a mommy bloggie.

Having named Squatlo Rant as the first inductee, he is now feeling a touch burned out. I’m starting to feel like I have too much influence in other peoples’ lives. I’m calling it the Mooner Effect. If I can shut down a blog just by liking it…

Hey wait. Maybe I can make myself start liking some of the right-wing Christian bloggies and name them. Get ’em shut down.

But I can just hear Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson on that one. “Mooner. Put your chin in my hand and look into my eyes. I said look me in the eyes, Mooner.”

Psycho therapy has done much to help me adjust to life as a crazy man. But sometimes it’s just too constricting. Restricting, maybe. Anyway, I’ll just stick to fucking up the lives of the people I really like and let the fuckwads ruin their own.

Having said all of that, my next inductee is a man who doesn’t want you to read his bloggie. If you do insist on reading it, he for certain doesn’t want you to leave a comment. And the last thing he would ever want is to be inducted to my Bloggie Roller hall of fame.

That’s why I’m naming him—because he doesn’t care if I ruin his life, he’s almost asking for it. He’s also smart, has a keen eye for the absurd and most importantly of all—he’s a fellow disciple of Fire Sign Theater.

I love Fire Sign Theater and I quote them all the time. I have to be careful here because I’m not supposed to use the same quotes here to my bloggie that I used in my book. But how about this one, “Put down that pickle!”

BJ, over to Dumb Perignon, is my newest named inductee. Click on his name over there to the right, =} , and go torment him. Try to make silly comments on his stuff and drive him out of business. It’s what he wants. Maybe that will have the inverse of the Mooner Effect and keep him going.

So crack open an icy-cold Carta Blanca beer and join me in saluting BJ. And leave him your favorite Fire Sign Theater quote. “I’m Artie Choke and we’re just a joke!”

Manana, y’all.

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2 Responses to “Dum Perignon Newest Bloggie Roller Inductee: BJ Says Stay Away”

  1. bj says:

    Well ….. Uhhh …. Thanx, Mooner. Uhhh …. I think …. And he ain’t Jokin’ fols! I kin delete ’em as fast as ya’ll kin leave ’em! heh

    “Hiya, friends! Ralph Spoilsport, Ralph Spoilsport Motors – the world’s largest new used and used new automobile dealership – Ralph Spoilsport motors – right here in the city of EMPHYSEMA! Let’s just look at the extras on this fabulous car! Wire-wheel spoke fenders and two-way sneeze through wind vents, star-studded mud guard, sponge-coated edible steering column, chrome fender dents – and factory air conditioned air from our fully factory-equipped air conditioned factory! It’s a beautiful car friends, with doors to match! Birch’s Blacklist says this automobile was stolen, but for you friends a complete price: only two-ninety-five hundred dollars in easy monthly payments of twenty dollars a week , twice a week and never on Sunday!” “And Cheap Too! Only 50 dollars down …. and 50 dollars a week for 50 years!” OK that last bit is from Cheech and Chong …

  2. BJ. Congrats again on your big win. And don’t crush that dwarf, pass me the pliers.

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