Grave New Dangers For Smokers; An Important Public Service Message

 

So. In case you haven’t seen the news, Central Texas is on fire. A half-dozen fires are burning out of control and the wind is whipping the flames at 20 MPH. Thousands of homes have been evacuated and hundreds have already burned. We’re losing a pine forest, housing and tens-of-thousands of acres of Hill Country beauty.

I’m pissed about these fires because it appears that all were caused by inconsiderate behaviors. People have died and others have lost everything because other people are inconsiderate assholes. One fire is thought to have been caused by a campfire. That’s right, in spite of the ban on campfires in all of our parks, shitballs ignore the bans and cause millions of dollars in damages.

And kill people.

The second cause thought to have started the other fires are “improperly disposed smoking materials”[.] Smokers are thought to have started the other fires—fuckhead, nasty-ass smokers who pitch cigarette butts out the windows of their vehicles.

I was driving down US 183 earlier, tooling along in the GTO with the windows open. Squirt and Honor the cat were in their safety harnesses, each with her head stuck out the passenger side window. We were in the far left lane and approaching the Parmer exit when a white Ford F150 pick up truck passed us on the right doing at least 20 over the speed limit. The truck had one of those stickers on the back window that shows an angry little guy pissing on a Chevy sign, a big rusted dent in the driver’s door, and said driver was a mid-thirties skin-headed smoker.

He whizzed passed us, flipped his cigarette out his window and then swerved across three lanes of traffic to exit onto Parmer. The lit cigarette hit the GTO somewhere in its front and showered sparks over the windshield. I was startled and stunned. When my brain settled I realized he had exited. I moved over, took the next exit, and went looking for him, a fruitless 2-hour search.

I am fuming. I went out to the barn and found my iron wood baseball bat. It’s 34-inches long and hits the scales at thirteen pounds. I have the handle wrapped with padded bat tape so that I both get a good grip, and also pad my hands from the shock of iron wood bat striking glass and metal.

I put that bat in the GTO.

I want every smoker in Central Texas to print the following message—cut it off the paper and slip it under the cellophane on your cigarette packs:

WARNING…WARNING…WARNING. CIGARETTE SMOKING HAS NOW BEEN DETERMINED TO HAVE THE FOLLOWING NEW SIDE EFFECTS: SMASHED WINDSHIELDS, LIGHTS, WINDOWS AND AUTO BODY WORKS; BROKEN LEGS, ARMS AND SKULLS; CIGARETTE BURNS IN THE ANAL CANAL.

THESE SIDE EFFECTS MAY BE AVOIDED SO LONG AS YOU NEVER DISCARD ANY OF YOUR SMOKING MATERIALS IMPROPERLY. PAY SPECIAL HEED TO THE LARGE MAN IN THE CLASSIC PONTIAC GTO—THE ONE WITH THE SMALL DOG AND CAT IN LEATHER HARNESSES RIDING SHOTGUN. HE WILL FUCK YOU UP.

I’m going to go start cooking the meats for tonight’s big celebration. We have a dozen extra mouths to feed tonight because we have friends who were forced to evacuate their homes and we have room in ours.

If anyone who reads this trash is a smoker who throws cigarettes out his car window, please stop. Or go the fuck away. Stop coming here.

And remember, grilled meats’ best friend is Carta Blanca beer. Manana, y’all.

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6 Responses to “Grave New Dangers For Smokers; An Important Public Service Message”

  1. Squatlo says:

    I have this “thing” about smokers and smoking, basically because it killed my parents… but also because it’s a nasty ass, disgusting habit that reeks. I understand addiction and all that, but to me, seeing a car with windows rolled up going by as a smoking driver talks to a child in a car seat makes me wanna grab your ironwood bat and make some breathing holes in the glass for the kid.

    Nothing disgusts me as much as littering, and smoking litterbugs are the worst of the worst.

    On the bright side, one of the happiest days of my adult life was the day I pulled up behind a pick up truck (black, with a little angel-winged number 3 sticker in the back window for Saint Dale) and watched as the driver nonchalantly flipped a butt from his driver’s side window onto the windshield of a Metro Police car in Nashville. The cop hit his siren with a little burp, flipped on his lights, and signalled for the asshole to pull over on the other side of the intersection when the light changed. As I drove past the cop was getting out of his car with a little book in his hand, and I hope he wrote the dude about half a dozen tickets, including assaulting a police officer with a burning object.

    Assholes… they’re everywhere you wanna be…

  2. admin says:

    Squat. Yep, smoking is nasty for starters. I try to be OK with it just as long as they keep it to themselves. I am, however, totally intolerant when they don’t keep it private. I’m the guy that grabs the lit cigarette from the asshole’s mouth as he sits under the “No Smoking” sign.

    And now I’m the guy formerly known as “the guy who thumps the nose of smokers who pitch their butts out of open windows”[.] Now I’ll be known as “the dangerous mother fucker wirh the iron wood bat”[.]

    Great story about the cop. I just hope the asshole got pissy and the cop had to pop him on his skull with a baton.

  3. Rizzy says:

    I’m you’re okay.
    It so stupid are STILL tossing cigarettes out the windows.
    Hello, people there’s a drought here.

  4. admin says:

    Rizz. Thanks for the verse.

    It’s dry in Texas,
    One spark sets fires anywhere here,
    So, FUCK RICK PERRY!

  5. bj says:

    HO-LEE She-it! I’ve got a 389 ’66 Pontiac Tempest coupe that was cloned to a GTO by the previous owner …. complete with Jezus bar….. Yore last name Johnson too …… You also a LARGE fella. Are ya a Good Lookin’ Fella as well? hehYa Know …. I spent a little over a year in SW OK back in ’73 and ’74 …… made MANY forays into Tayhass….. alla way to Nuevo Laredo and Piedras Negras a few times on bidness (if ya get my meanin’- if ya catch my drift). Quantum Dimension Parallel?

  6. admin says:

    BJ. Twins separated at birth? And I can dance. Sorta. Had my first sex, at least the first that wasn’t my Baptist Deacon Boy Scout leader raping me, over to Nuevo Laredo. Down on her luck U of New Laredo cheerleader.

    FUCK RICK PERRY!

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