Mooner’s Prayer For Reason; Rick Perry Still A Prick


So. Here we go again. Just when I think that the national stage has drawn Texas Governor Perry like a moth to the flames, his right-wing cohorts here to home beckon him back. I keep thinking he’ll get burned in the bright lights of the national press and ride off into the sunset. Just about the time I think he won’t be fucking around with my home state—just when it seems that the memory of him slicing the heart out of Texas’ civilization was starting to fade—some shitball issue gets raised to draw him back.

The hook to drag him home this time is the issue of Safe Havens. In Texas, some cities, like my own Austin, are safe havens for immigrants. The police and other authorities agree to a live-and-let-live philosophy towards a person’s heritage and immigration status. We don’t waste our resources hunting people down for deportation just because they aren’t paper trained.

Since our resources have been ravaged and scavenged by our prick governor and his me-first cronies, not wasting resouces to arrest hard working people seems a wise move.

But little Ricky wants to send President Obama and those nasty liberals over to Washington a message. When our last legislative session began, ridding Texas of its safe havens was one of Ricky’s Emergency Bills. Like his now-proven unconstitutional pre-abortion bonding law, the one that required a woman to develop a lasting relationship with the blob of cells in her belly before she can abort it, this Safe Haven Bill was so very fucking important that it went to the head of the line.

And remember folks, this was when Texas was facing a $27 billion state deficit (still not resolved, but rather shit-smeared and covered with the dirt of partisan politics and stinking to high heaven). Rather than focus the early days of the session with solving our state debt crisis and saving real, existing state jobs, the pompous, pious and pompadoured prick we call Governor Perry instead pandered to his right-wing Christian fan base.

He got his abortion of an abortion bill passed but not the Safe Haven Bill. Now his fuckball supporters want to help him better define his stand on immigration policy, so they are “beckoning” him back to call a special legislative session to pass it. I think the entire thing is a campaign publicity stunt, but the result is the same—Pricky Perry is coming home to screw with my life once more.

I have a prayer. “Dear Jesus, supposed Lord and Saviour, what in the fuck are you up to? When I read your book, I get the impression that you are all about peace and love, understanding and grace. But living with your followers is all about their hate and exclusion, intolerance and aggression. Please tell me, dear Redeemer and granter of everlasting life, were you lying then or are your followers lying now. There is no fucking way that any of this shit jives. If your word was the truth, would you please do something to fix this shit and shut these people up? If not, and they are actually doing what you wish them to do, then FUCK YOU AND RICK PERRY TOO! I ask this as a humble servant of all that is fair and just. Amen.”

I got some surprise sexing last night. SAC Ellen was flying from the Midwest on her way to Arizona, and stopped for a booty call. Turns out she was needing her a little Mooner, which is all I’ve got to give, and she showed up, unannounced, on my doorstep at 6:30 pm. We were just sitting for dinner, so I got her a plate and silver and placed her between Gram and Mother.

She was put there as a buffer. Mother had said something tacky about Gram’s current boyfriend—a man who must go nameless (book fodder)–and Gram took offense. “Take back wacha said, Mother. Poor Henry is rearranged, he ain’t a regular loony bird.”

My mother, a retired school teacher with a master’s degree and seemingly high intellect, can often act not bright. “He’s a lunatic and a murderer too, Gram. I simply don’t know why you have to embarrass the entire family with your shenanigans. Your sexual peccadilloes are.. are… well, they’re embarrassing.”

It was as I was holding my grandmother—both hands gripped into the back of her hemp fabric men’s dress shirt to keep her from strangling Mother—that the SACster’s knock sounded from the kitchen door. Thank goodness hemp fibers are strong. Holding on to my grandmother is like hanging on to a ninety-pound greased barbell.

“Come on in, sweetie,” I answered her knock, “will you fetch me a Carta Blanca out of the fridge. I need some bait to get unhooked from Gram and keep her from killing Mother.”

“Well, well, well,” SAC Ellen said as she walked to me with the bottle of beer. “Isn’t this where I left off on my last visit?”

The last time my Special Agent in Charge, US Department of Homeland Security was here to dinner, Gram was ready to stick a carving knife into my Mother. “No, that was a dispute about Dancing With The Stars, my little cupcake. Remember, Mother said something tacky about that guy Bruno and Gram took offense,” I reminded her. “But since Bruno looks a lot like Henry, maybe this is the same fight as before.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, Mooner,” my mother said. “All I said was that Bruno seems a little fatuous, and…”

Gram almost pulled herself free of my grasp. “Don’t you go a callin’ little Bruno a fatso. Imma stick my twelve-gager up yer ass and pull both triggers.”

You know, it’s a wonder I’m not a stark-raving lunatic. Anyway, SAC Ellen told us about the seminars she gave to the fine people of Nebraska, Iowa and the Dakotas as to how to identify a terrorist and thwart an attack. When I told her that she should tell those fine folks to encourage the terrorists to go ahead and blow themselves up, you know, explode shit up there with few inhabitants and save the heavily-populated areas, she said to me, she said, “Do you want sex, or not?”

I think she suffers a loss of sense of humor when she travels. So I changed the subject and got some poontang last night. Isn’t poontang a great word? Manana, y’all.

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4 Responses to “Mooner’s Prayer For Reason; Rick Perry Still A Prick”

  1. Squatlo says:

    First time I’ve laughed out loud all day, you crazy fuck, you… Great story, and great message about the Prickster you silly bastards elected Governor.
    It IS a publicity campaign stunt, and I hope it blows up in his pompous face.

    Just the picture of you trying to keep a grip on Grams was worth the visit.

  2. admin says:

    Squat. Holding my Gram against her will is like wrestling with a ten-headed snake. Have I mentioned she bites? You have to be careful as well as crafty.

    I wonder if my prayer will be answered.

  3. Q says:

    LOL! Man, I hurt myself laughing at this. It was non-stop! LOL! That prayer had me rolling. I hope that Grinch look-a-like fails in everything he does. He’s just like Bush it comes to pushing his own agenda.

  4. admin says:

    TQ. Yea, I hate to be black or white about shit, but either the Bible is a stack of lies or these right-wing Christians are fuckballs. Has to be one or the other.

    Your piece on the new black TV network was pretty fucking insightful. Folks need to click over there -} to TQ’s site and have a read.

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