Republican Party Woes; Yoda Posts First Story

 

So. I’m sitting here to my computer and I hear that Governor Chris “Pass Tha Taters (and the gravy and the butter, and tha puddin’ while you’re at it)” Christie has called a press conference regarding his promise to never-fucking run for President, no matter WHAT, ever and regardless of how many times he’s asked.

I was going to tell you about my trip to the emergency room to have the nose hair attachment to my man’s personal groomer machine removed from my right sinus cavity, but I’m quite distracted with what’s going on in the Republican Party and their presidential candidate musical chairs bingo.

This shit with them all started when the Tea Party started screaming for Sarah Palin to step away from her $100,000 speaking fee career and back into the national race. As the first serious mistake in this year’s presidential draft, Sarah Palin dumbed herself out of the race before it even started. One of my Tea Bagger acquaintances, a woman of normally decent intelligence, said to me about Palin, “Look, Mooner, you just have to face the fact that Sarah Palin doesn’t want to be President. She’s too smart to put herself through all of that.”

Riiiiiight. Unh huh, that’s right.

Second favored son of the Tea Bagged Right was Ron “Isolation is the Answer” Paul, sadly Texan US Senator and daddy to the shithead from Kain-tookie, who managed to piss off the brotherhood by supporting the Ground Zero Mosque. Now he can’t capture enough straw votes to snort a gram of coke.

Enter Michele Bachmann. Holy shit, dear god and Jesus, I do love me some Michele Bachmann. I am totally embarrassed to say it, but it is true. Fake humorous videos of Ms. Bachmann have replaced my entire porn collection. Anytime I’m missing my sweetie, I just hop over to Squatlo’s place and find one of the vids he has posted over there.

But alas, the smoking hot MB has a little trouble with her history. And geography… and government… and popular music legends. Really, how in the fuck do you plan to carry the South if you don’t know that Elvis is dead?

Their latest pick, my own Rick “Did someone stick an icepick in my ear” Perry, has managed to stick his pointy-little cowboy boot right up his own silly ass in near-record time. Having avoided debates in his runs as Texas governor, the Prick, Rick Perry, has shown precisely why he has avoided debate.

To once again quote Ron White, “It’s cause he’s reeeealy fucking stoooooooo-oo-ooo-pi-i-i-ii-i-d-d-d”

But fear not America, for the right-wing Christian religious shitballs of America have a new target, the aforementioned Chris Christie. I just checked-in and Christie has re-said he won’t run during his news. Not that I think that’s his final answer, but good for now.

See, I was realizing that this Republican Presidential race has been determined to be a Pony Express sort of dealie. Sarah Palin carries the mail bag for awhile then hands off to Ron Paul who hits the wall and gives the lead over to Michele Bachmann. Then, here comes Rick Perry and he grabs the bag from MB as she kicks and screams.

The big man was elected to take things from here, but he’s refusing to take the mail bag, choosing instead the feed bag. Look, I have nothing against overweight people so long as they don’t throw the extra weight around. I understand that obesity is indicative of emotional problems and inabilities to deal with shit.

And that is exactly why I don’t want Christie to be my President. I need someone with more discipline and control in charge of the White House and the Black Box. Last thing we need is a guy accidentally pushing that button as he grabs for a dropped Twinkie. “Oopsie, I pushed the button!”

That’s one of the many reasons you don’t want me to be President.

Anyway, this somehow feels like a wasted effort. My eyes are still watering from having that fucking plastic domed hair ripper jammed in my lower eye socket. Carta Blanca beer will help get me back on track. Manana, y’all.

PS- The little dog now known as Yoda has something he’d like to say:

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n]be>, ‘QPBU90Mb [H WHJ|-06-i0451 =itm ,,cvx`~

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3 Responses to “Republican Party Woes; Yoda Posts First Story”

  1. Squatty says:

    Letting your dog play cyber chess in doganese ought to be illegal, ’cause now I’ve got to look up and translate his move and be prepared to counter punch when it’s my turn.

    I’m beginning to think the GOP selection process is a lot like an extended game of Russian Roulette, in which each candidate gets one spin of the chamber and a chance to blow themselves up on national television during a debate. So far every single spin has landed directly on a live round, and they’ve all be of excellent aim. The national media picks a front runner, that person opens his or her mouth and actually speaks to America, and the next thing you know they’re yesterday’s news and can’t get a vote to stay on the island.

    Last person with the gun probably gets to run against Obama, and given his propensity for compromise he’ll probably take their shot for them. Just to be fair.

  2. Skwa Do’Umihi (Squats to Pee) That’s your new Indian name BTW, Skwa Do’Umihi. As for Yoda, that little fucker thinks he’s just too cute dancing around my keyboard with the hot feet. As for his chess move, all I can say is, “Protect your Queen!”

    I like your Ruskie Roulette example. But they need to take heart shots or get bigger guns. Shooting themselves in the head misses everything vital.

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