Squatlo And Reckmonster Root For Teams; You Should Too


So. It’s another Fall Saturday and football is on our minds. I’m all jacked-up with the hope that my Texas Longhorns can bounce back from the severe ass-kicking one Oklahoma team gave us to beat the other highly-ranked school from the land rush state in today’s big game. Okie State is ranked number six, and my young Longhorn team might get their asses handed to them again.

Squatlo will spend his day wearing the orange color of the other UT—an orange color that I can only politely describe as “interesting”[.] It’s the orange colored equivalent to puce—you know, that color of purple mixed with baby shit brown. Or maybe chartreuse—the sickly color of soon-to-rot limes or already rotten lemons.

Reckmonster will be all decked out in maize and blue. Her Michigan Wolverines are in their big cross-state game with Michigan State. Let’s hope Michigan coach Andy Divine can get his favored team to the winner’s circle this year. Recent past coaches have left the proud Michigan football traditions in the locker room for this big rivalry.

I don’t know who TQ roots for.  Is it Mississippi or Mississippi State.  OK, maybe it’s neither and he’s a traitor to his state and roots for Alabaloney.

I love the sense of pride and tradition and ownership a human gets from sports fandom. Having a favorite team provides a unique sense of belonging to something bigger than self. Sports fans have been around for as long as we’ve had sports, and that, dear friends, is a very long time.

Historians, of course, argue about who was the first civilization to play a sport. The Chinese say they were the first, of course, when they played a game that loosely translates to “kick the ball”[.] I’m still struggling with this whole quotation marks without a quote between them. Until one of you grammar mavens can give me an expectable reasoning to do otherwise, I’m putting the attendant punctuations inside brackets that I’ll hang on the ass-end of the not-containing quote marks. Like there when I said …to “kick the ball”[.]

My problem with the China claim is they didn’t state what a ball was and there were no rules mentioned or if anyone was watching. See, the very definition of sport requires more than one person to play. Playing games with yourself is not a sport. Sport requires competition. Except, of course, when you have multiple personalities or you dissociate a touch and you play games with your self and other selves of yourself.

I don’t remember playing any games with my imaginary friend, Don Legacy. I do remember him getting my righteous ass into massive loads of trouble. “Go ahead, light the fuse,” was what he said to me this one time. And his favorite way to get me in trouble was to say, “Nobody will find out. I promise.”

Isn’t it amazing how you just can’t trust people when they say, “I promise.” It’s the same dealie as when they say, “Well, to be honest with you…” Somebody starts a sentence with that, and I’m on alert to hear what the lying motherfucker has to say next.

And the worst of all that shit is when a businessman stands on his Christian principles as the foundation of his/her business philosophy. Worst crooks I ever met had big bibles on their desk as a display of their “Christian” ethics. Ask my opinion, Christian ethics means, “Jesus came to me in a vision and said I should lie and cheat and steal all your money.”

I walk into a man’s office and he’s got a Bible on display, and I’m walking right back out. That’s the same silly-assed logic used for the Crusades and the Inquisition. Fucking Inquisitors. Brutal shitballs, those guys. I mean, think about the crazy Jesus speak they used for the rules of their games.

“OK, Jaime of Cordoba, heres the rules for your game of Beat The Reaper. We’re gonna tie your left arm and leg to that 2,500-pound plow horse over there (Priest points to Mar el Pan, the dapple-gray beast on Jaime’s left), and your right extremities will be chained to the rock wall of the church. You must demonstrate your faith in God and not gets ripped in half when Mar el Pan strolls over to the basket of carrots held by Father Barnabas, over there.” (Priest points to basket of carrots)

The Mayans had a game like soccer that was played with a ball made either from a goat’s stomach or an enemy’s head. They had arenas with seats and concessions and shit. To me, this represents the first historical sport because it had rules and some specificities.

I wonder what kind of shoes they had. Can you imagine the shoe wars between Nike and Adidas in trying to sign the biggest names in the sport.

OK, I might be digressing whatever point I might have had. Here’s the deal. Today is a very good day to be an American. Let’s put our political differences aside and focus solely on our football rivals. Let’s put away our donkey and elephant signs for a day and wear our school colors instead. Let me be the first to do it.

Today, I’m not saying “FUCK RICK PERRY”[,] I’m saying instead, “Beat the Oklahoma State Cowboys, the best football team that T. Boone Picken’s money can buy!”

Now let’s get the Carta Blanca beer on ice, and go root for somebody! Manana, y’all.

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12 Responses to “Squatlo And Reckmonster Root For Teams; You Should Too”

  1. Q says:

    Like, Reck, I’m also down with the Maize and Blue and I will be pulling for them to continue their run towards the Big Ten Championship game. I just hope they don’t regress now that they’re in the Big Ten schedule. You know, sports has always been the gateway to perfect harmony. A lot of people put down their political and racial differences when it comes to a sport and that’s the beauty of it.

    Good luck to Austin U. as they take on Coach “I’m a man… I’m 40!”

  2. Squatlo Vol says:

    Mooner, that’s about the eleventieth time you’ve taken a shot at UT’s famous orange jerseys. And I say “UT” knowing you’ll suddenly be all confused by thoughts of that burnt orange abomination your muscalaros wear in Austin, and all I can say about this is (spit noise)… If it weren’t for volunteers from Tennessee there never would have been a Texas, and we should never stop apologizing for that.
    But instead of being grateful for our help, all you sand infested TayHass fans can do is whine about our color scheme, which you guys bastardized when you finally got around to forming a university to educate the children of your chili pepper snarfin’, bovine humpin’ citizenry.
    I don’t even know why you bother to call those jerseys “burnt” orange, or orange at all. It’s more like the hide you might find on someone who’s spent too many years living in their tanning bed, ala John Boehner. That’s what you should call your colors at Texas! Boehner Orange and White!
    But back to the theme of your post (I think… one is never sure) your Longhorns have a much better shot at redemption today then my Vols do against LSU, the number one team in the country. The good news for my crippled Vols (starting running back, wide receiver, and QB all out…) is that next week we get a slightly less formidable opponent. We get to travel to Tuscaloosa for a game with the number two team in America, Alafuckingbama. Then it’s another top fifteen opponent, South Carolina, followed by a trip to Arkansas. Heavy sigh…
    At least Reckem and Q have the Big Ten schedule to cruise through. Not like the gauntlet of endless hell they would find in a real football conference like the SEC… Who’s up next for Meeshigan? Purdon’t? Illinois? Indiana? Northwestern? Minnyhaha?
    I’ll twist the top off a bottle of Crown and raise a toast to all of our favorite teams, and pity the fool who doesn’t love college football and all of the nonsense we shout at one another this time of year.
    Go Vols! (LifeFlight is standing by… )

  3. admin says:

    TQ. Thanks and luck to you as well. Are you a UM alum?

  4. Brandon says:

    Do I *HAVE* to root for Boise State since I’m an Idahoan now? Or can I root for USC, for whom I’ve been a fan since I was 6?

    My alma mater doesn’t have a football team. However, the Cal State San Bernardino Coyote’s Basketball team ruled the Division II when I attended…


  5. Squatlo Vol says:

    Okay, is it basketball season yet? Jebus… we just got the hell beat out of us. Meeshygan lost their fourth straight to the Spartans, and last time I looked the Longhorns were on the spit and some Okie’s were brushing on barbecue sauce with a mop.


    On a totally different subject, but still football related: Hey Reckem, what’s with the bumblebee uniforms the Wolverines are sporting? I thought John Belushi was going to come out and do a Killer Bees skit from SNL…

  6. Mooner, who the hell is Andy Divine? Am I retarded and not getting some “guy club” reference here?! Michigan’s coach is Brady Hoke. And I am DEPRESSED. Michigan played like dog shit today. Methinks when your qb gets sacked, oh, let’s say, FIVE TIMES, in the second half…the chances of winning are about as good as the chance of me ever going to ohio state (no caps on purpose) for a doctorate. This was my farcebook “status” after the game:
    Sad = Michigan losing. Pathetic = Michigan losing to Michigan State. UNFORGIVABLE = Michigan losing to Michigan State in some ugly assed, fruity looking uniforms.

    I’ve changed into black and have gone into mourning…Michigan’s undefeated season has died.

  7. stanley ann dunahm says:

    my undergraduate school was boise state, before they had a good football team. i root for them out of nostalgia…..

  8. admin says:

    OK, here we go. Squat, and Squat once more. Waaaaa, the Vols have a tough schedule. You fired Fulmer, and hired Lane Kiffin. This is your pennance. Having said that, you do have a tough schedule.

    Brandini. Who gives a shit for whom you root, so long as you root. USC has tradition, and Squatlo’s former asshole, Lane Kiffin.

    Reck, my beloved. Andy Divine would be a dead cowboy actor–heavy-set guy with a wierd half-whiny voice. Google his ass and then tell me your coach is not his twin. Fuck M State.

    Stan-Ann. And I was country before country was cool. Boise plays great football.

  9. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! He DOES look like Brady Hoke! Having said that, you have summarily dated yourself, dahling, because I had NO IDEA who he was…and I’m already 40! snicker snicker

  10. bj says:

    JINGLES! From “The Adventures Of Wild Bill Hickok”! Rode Buttermilk? All you college edjumakated preppy types have a College team to root for …… I went to the University of WERK! … and I ain’t pullin’ for THAT team anymore!

  11. Squatlo Vol says:

    Best Andy Devine role ever was in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence, my all time favorite western! He plays the Scooby Doo/Iago/Cowardly Lion character of a sheriff who wants no part (or jurisdiction) of bringing in Liberty Valance, the baddest sumbitch in the valley.

    I’m ready for basketball season.

    And BJ, yours truly didn’t attend any University to become addicted to their sports team, any more than you lived in Oakland or LA to end up with that to-the-bone Raider Nation fetish of yours. I grew up in the shadow of Neyland Stadium, that’s all.

  12. admin says:

    Reck. I’ve been spending a lot of time “dating myself”[.] With SAC Ellen travelling the country and you withholding your charms, me and my Ivory soap have become more than intimate.

    BJ. His role in “Stagecoach” was it for me. And what the hell could they have taught you in college? You’re too smart as it is. As for your love of the Silver and Black… Ben Davidson is gone, dude.

    Squat. After watching Liberty Valence, I took a job as a diswasher in hopes of getting the girl. Got instead sore hands, feet and back. Oh yea, and $0.35 per hour.

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