Fertilized Eggs Spook Pranksters; Rick Perry Has Lost It


So. Halloween was a mixed bag of tricks. When we got over to Planned Parenthood, there were no protesters in sight. It seems that they were all at their churches celebrating the holiday. Catholic anti-abortion protest lady was dressed as a witch (appropriately, I must say) and handing out candy to the tricked-out treaters at her church. Everyone in the Johnson family party was rewarded with a cellophane bag of candy corn except for me. I got the same treat as always from the sawed-off little fuckbag—bug-eyes popping out of her skull and spittle flying from her lips as she tells me to, and I’ll quote her here, “Go to hell and rot with my husband.”

I wonder if her husband dressed as an anti-anti-abortion protester for Halloween? I’ll bet his costumes weren’t as clever as mine. I was wearing my new sandwich board that says “I’m An Abortion And I’m OK” on one side and “A Woman’s Right To Choose Is Sacred” on the other. I decided to carry a basket of fertilized eggs that I had soft-soft boiled, and I had a box of straws and an icepick.

I was chanting my two slogans as I made my way through the church. Whenever I managed to draw a large crowd, I’d icepick a hole in one of the eggs, salt and pepper it, and then suck the tasty innards through a fresh straw. One lady actually puked on the carpet there in front of the picture of Jesus cooking his famous fish sandwich dinner. At least I’m guessing he, oopsie He, cooked the fish.

Since the Japanese hadn’t been invented in Jesus’ time, they didn’t have sushi back then. Which has always confused me about the entirety of conservative Christian dogma. If you believe that the only truths and realities are the ones contained in your Bible, then how do you explain today? Today isn’t in the Bible, in fact the last 2,000 years are not covered. If your Bible is a “Living book” as so many preachers say, maybe it’s time to lube the paddles and crank up the defibrillator.

I wonder what the latest books of the Living Bible would be called. Maybe after Revelations would come “Dark Ages and The Crusades—Spreading the Word”[.] Then we could have “The Inquisition—A Millennium of Christian Enlightenment”[.] OK, wait, maybe The Inquisition would come first.

But where would we house all of the new Bible books? They would be New nor Old Testaments neither. We’d need another Testament. I vote for the “After Peter Testament” in honor of the founder of the Holy Roman Catholic Fucking Church. Which reminds me. Have you ever Googled “who founded the Holy Roman Catholic fucking church”[?] With all of the record keeping the Catholics have performed since their inception, those silly shitballs cannot agree on who was their founder.

Anyway, I was seasoning my embryos with a pinch of fresh-ground French sea salt and pink peppercorns. I wish I still had fresh tomatoes. A big slab of purple Indian would be quite tasty with my par-boiled eggs. OK, a big slab of Purple Indian tomato would be great with a blow job.

Which brings up another point. Why would Christians celebrate a holiday based upon Paganism? And why do the celebrating inside the actual Christian church? Heresy, I say. Her-e-fucking-cy!

OK, I need to plug my book, so here is the linkster:


Buy the book. When it arrives you should roll a fat one, stock a small cooler with icy-cold Carta Blanca beers, and begin. I put a lot of effort into that silly book and I would appreciate your feedback. Good or bad, I’d like your comments.

So buy the fucking book and come back manana, y’all.

Print Friendly

4 Responses to “Fertilized Eggs Spook Pranksters; Rick Perry Has Lost It”

  1. […] Fertilized Eggs Spook Pranksters; Rick Perry Has Lost It « Mooner … Fertilized Eggs Spook Pranksters; Rick Perry Has Lost It. Tweet. So. Halloween was a mixed bag of tricks. When we got over to Planned Parenthood, there were no protesters in sight. It seems that they were all at their churches celebrating the … http://www.moonerjohnson.com/ — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 07:35:28 -0700 […]

  2. Squatlo says:

    You seem to have knack for pissing of religious people, Mooner. I love that in a person. All of the religious people I know up here are pretty cool, actually, because I don’t get out much and the ones who have found my nest don’t pester me too much about my heathen soul. I think having survived being an altar boy and proclaiming myself to be a Recovering Catholic (Damn Near Back to Normal, Thanks for Asking!”) prevents too many of the born-againers from dropping by.

    I did have a trio of Jehovah’s ladies show up at my apartment door one evening when I was cooking a pork roast, and I answered the door with a beer in one hand and a bottle of Jamaican Jerk Pork rub in the other. Two of the women looked shocked, but the black lady in the group would have come in and joined the party if they hadn’t been there to keep her honest. She saw the Jamaican rub, spoke in this glorious Jamaican accent that let me know she knew a hell of a lot more about the proper methods to get it authentic than I ever would, but then had to leave with the two Church Ladies. I think she would have joined me on the back porch with a beer and a doobie if they hadn’t drug her away. Damn shame. We could have discussed our differing religious philosophies over full stomachs and a nice mellow buzz.

    And that’s what’s wrong with religious people. They never seem to have a mellow buzz. Oh, sometimes you’ll see them heading over to Walmart after church services, driving as if they own the highway, smiling at the glory of God’s goodness. I call that the Holy Glow effect, and it only seems to find the ones who are likely users of beta blockers. But before the day’s over they’ll be themselves again, bitching about everything and tuning in to watch the fucking Cowboys play… Pot should be mandatory for everyone who intends to vote Republican in the next election. It would make for a better world.

  3. admin says:

    Squat. Gram used to say that “Pisser” was my middle name. “Yer a little Pisser,” was a not always said lovingly.

    I too have many religous friends who are not right-wing Christian fuckballs. But real Christians seem to have lost their footing on the political scenes accross America, and the fuckballs have filled in like the dimpled ass of a fat lady’s thong.

    Hell, I think pot should be mandatory for everyone until they prove they have a heart.

  4. admin says:

    Perry. What the fuck do I say to a track-back? “Nice linking with you,”, or maybe, “OK, then, you stay on the tracks now?”

    I think I’m glad to have you.

Leave a Reply