Hoof, Hoof and Hoof; ADHD Kills


So. It’s Friday and who really gives a shit? I’ve got so many tasks to complete before I can head out of town on Monday that it might as well be Tuesday. Or Wednesday, or even last Monday. I’ve got more stuff to do than usual because I have 2.5 weeks of jobs to complete in one week.

The worst of these tasks is that I need to go over to Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson’s place and mow the lawn, and clean and adjust the chemicals in her pool. Performing those duties is an effort by me to reduce my total mental health care expenditures, from the cash perspective. Gnat, as my bookkeeper, tells me that the actual cost for me to do those chores far exceeds the cost of hiring a lawn and pool service to do them. But it’s the principal of the whole thing to me. Wait, it’s the principle.

I actually like pushing the electric mower around and the kids like to swim as their reward for assisting me. Squirt has the most experience so she’s my best helper. Her new role is to direct Yoda and the fucking cat. Mostly what she does is tell them to stay out of my way.

I didn’t know that cats like to swim, and likely most do not. Honor, however, might not be 100% actual cat. Or maybe she’s spending so much time with the dogs that she’s starting to think like a dog. When Yoda barks, it’s a heart-breaking, but hilarious event. Someone at the puppy mill must have choked him or kicked him in his throat because his bark is quiet and hoarse. What he lacks in volume he more than makes up with his enthusiasm.

Yoda puts his entire being into each “Hoof” he barks. With each hoof he throws his head straight back, like when a wolf howls, and he looks like a cuckoo clock birdie. “Hoof, hoof, hoof,” he goes, and he does so with his bug eyes glaring.

Now the fucking cat has a right close imitation except that she does it from a sitting position, and in a distracted manner as well. Like she’s mocking him. Squirt tells me she isn’t mocking him, it’s her way of being supportive. I say Honor is a fucking cat and can’t yet be trusted.

Oh Christ with a bum knee, my ADHD has driven me waaaaay off course. The reason that mowing and pooling is the worst task this week is because I have to drive by the Planned Parenthood offices, twice, in order to get the tasks completed. And I don’t have time to stop and anti-anti-abortion protest.

And I really don’t have any time for jail. My buddy the Sheriff would keep me over the weekend just to screw with the departure date for my Bloggie Posters’ Tour.

As a matter of fact, I don’t have any time for this shit either, so I’ll see you manana, y’all.

P-fucking-S- please buy my book. The linkster is:


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5 Responses to “Hoof, Hoof and Hoof; ADHD Kills”

  1. melanie says:

    Wow…I thought I was bad. Also, I promise to buy your book when two things happen. One, I am done Christmas shopping, which should be soon. And two, when I am almost done with the tiny little book I just got myself that I haven’t started yet…or screw it…maybe I’ll just get it today…

  2. Mel. If you live anywhere along my parade route for next week’s trip, I’ll stop and sign it for you.

    Ah, uh… what, exactly do you mean when you say you are bad?

  3. Whoo! Hoo! Blog-Con 2011!!!!

  4. Q says:

    I’m not sure that cats like to swim, but then again, what do I know, I hate cats. Well, I did until I found out that some of them kill snakes. Once that was revealed to me, then I started to be okay with them.

    Can’t wait to read how you tie in your tour!

  5. admin says:

    Reck. I can’t wait to see your Whoo hoo’s too!

    Q. I didn’t ask the fucking cat if she wanted to swim her first time. I think every animal needs to be what the mothering handbooks call “Pool Safe”[.] I just pitched her little Siamese ass into the deep end and hoped.

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