If You Buy My Book I Might Stop Promoting It


So. I just got my handsome ass chewed out, and in grand fashion. My editorator just informed me that I’m an asshole for not publishing here to my bloggie, the point-of-sale blurb that describes my book and should entice you to buy the fucking thing. OK, fine, here it is:

“Buckle-up your sanity and step inside the ADHD-addled mind of Butcher Einstein “Mooner” Johnson, a wealthy redneck, liberal-thinking compost manufacturer from Austin, Texas. Mooner has strong political, religious and environmental beliefs and interesting ways to state them, a reference to his infamous “moon shows,” aka performance art statements using his plucked, dyed, and polished bare bottom. As a matter of course, he is quick to drop his pants to his ankles and show you what he thinks on a fairly regular basis. Things are all fun and games until the real trouble starts: a severed arm is discovered in a compost pile at Mooner’s plant. When childhood friend Sheriff Woozie Wozniac arrests him, Mooner is charged with murder and locked away at Shoal Creek Mental Hospital.

Hysterical, thoughtful, and wildly inappropriate, Don Legacy’s debut is a raucous ride into the mind of a true American character, a man so scatological that there must be some sort of brilliance in there somewhere—if you can find it! Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson, the first of Mooner’s 10 ex-wives and his psychotherapist, assigns him to write his erratic thoughts in a journal in the aftermath of his latest arrest, and he spends the rest of the book trying to keep a diary as life interrupts and sends his ADHD-addled mind into “brain fritz”. On the outside, a team of eccentric characters, including Mooner’s best friend and mysterious entrepreneurial genius Streaker Jones, his Ferrari-driving and hallucinogen-making grandmother, and his talking and singing golden retriever, work together to solve the murder mystery that keeps Mooner locked away. Inside the hospital, Mooner experiences enlightenment and growth as he spends time living with other crazy people and thinking about life until his group of friends can bring the whole sordid story to a shocking and riotous conclusion.

With his unique brand of wit and humor, Legacy takes the term “stream of consciousness” to new heights as Mooner blasts through the chaos of murder charges, the loony bin, and the most eccentric group of friends imaginable. Daring and provocative, Full Rising Mooner: The Most Inappropriate Man in the World is the most unpredictable and uproarious ride you’ve ever taken!”

Just so you know, I did not write that silly shit. I had the chance to tweak it, but I figured I’d best not mess with something professionally done. I personally think it’s a tad bit overstated, and will someone please explain to me what an “uproarious ride” would feel like.

Would that be like that time when Ingrid and I were on our honeymoon out to the Grand Canyon and I got bucked off the mule and into the cactus? Or would it be like lying in the bed of a pick-up truck—hungover out to here—while Streaker Jones hits every pothole from Nuevo Laredo all the way home to Austin?

I’m wondering if anybody even wants to take a fucking uproarious ride. I get the “raucous ride” thingie, I really do. Raucous can mean boisterous and rough and calloused, and I am, by God, each and all of that.

Anyway, after reviewing the sales blurb I said, “Fuck it, because who really gives a shit?”

So, please click onto the linkster and by my book:


And just so that you know, the Kindle dealie will be available just as soon as I can figure out how to do the Kindle Account application form. I’ve got four hours into that damned thing and I’m still not accepted.

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4 Responses to “If You Buy My Book I Might Stop Promoting It”

  1. chrisinphx says:

    Ok Ok, the book is ordered. However, I will be packing a bowl instead of rolling a fatty when I settle in with it.

  2. admin says:

    Chris. Alright, Chris representing Phoenix! Thanks for the support, and good reading. I hope that big drug bust missed your retailer.

  3. Squatlo says:

    I almost wish I weren’t friends with the author, because I’d probably already have my own copy of the damn book by now if that were the case. Instead, I’m waiting for his arrival in God’s Country so I can pick up my freebie version, with autograph.

    Being close to the rich and famous has a down side, that’s becoming obvious.

    Hey, Mooner! Just had two fine ladies from one of our local churches stop by our front porch and offer to read “encouraging Bible scripture verses” to me… Just like the women on BJ’s blobber GIF! I wanted to shout, “Who’s at the door, Sugartits?” but thought better of it since I was the one at the door, and Cindy was in cardio class.

    Probably should have let them read, I could use some encouragement.

    Chris: by all means, inhale!

  4. admin says:

    Squat. My feelings won’t be hurt if you buy a book before I get there. They make fine paperweights. As for the church ladies, were they cute?

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