Squirt Dislikes Florida- Refuses To Make Trip

 So. Unless I find myself with more time on my hands later today, this is the last you will hear from me until next Monday. First, please allow me to say that this pisses me off, and for several reasons. It isn’t that I don’t love and adore the family with whom I’m heading to visit in Florida, it’s Florida.

Simply put, I do not like Florida. The only thing in, or about, Florida that I give a shit about is my family. And I also have much to tell you that I’ll forget to say while exiled in the swampy hell of central Florida.

Ick. (Ich?) Even the stupid state’s name turns my stomach. Should be Floriduh.

Second, and the last of my numerically-phased and organized thoughts for today’s post, is the three-way infections update on the Squirt’s health dealie. When first telling you about her issues, I neglected to say that her anal gland issue was not a surprise. I have long done self expression of anal glands for each of my dogs, the habit and learning both taught me by my Gram.

The first family dog upon whom I learned was Trixie, great grandmother of Dixie—my now and mostly retired Golden Retriever who spends all her time with Streaker Jones. With Trixie, and each of her successors since, I practiced the anal gland expression method known as “finger up the ass”[,] wherein the expresser runs a hopefully-rubber-gloved finger inside the dog’s butt and gently presses each gland to expel the nasty-assed fluid that builds up.

If you were to poll people and ask which animal expels the nastiest-smelling fluid out its ass end, they’ll tell you it’s the skunk. That, dear friends, would be wrong. It’s a dog’s anal gland juice.

With Dixie, I could get my fat finger inside and do a good job of cleaning her out, but the Squirt’s adorable little butt is way too small for the in-situ expression method. With her, I am required to do it from the outside, and while that is a much less invasive method, it is less successful all the way around. The last several expressions have been fruitless and, therefore, potentially problematic, as a little juice she express with semi-regularity.

And now I’m wondering if this might be why Dixie has chosen to spend her time with Streaker Jones. I’m also wondering if maybe I’ve figured how to air-out my mental passageways while I’m gone. Whenever I get a chance, I’ll find a computer and make a comment to this posting. That way I won’t forget as much stuff as otherwise I would.

OK, wait. How will you know that it’s me? And How will I get my comments posted from remote locations when each new commenter has to have their first comment approved through the Admin functionaries over to Moonerville? And what about the frauds and fakers who might pretend to be me just to fuck with you? What if all of those Catholic fuckballs start mass commenting and screw things all to hell, and back?


I’m not taking the animals with me to Floriduh because they each refuse to go. Squirt’s actual words were something like, “No voy a Florida, asshole. Ich liebe deine Familie und alles, was La Floride est l’enfer sur terre.”

How could I force her to go when her sentiments are a precise fit with my own?

But I’m excited to see everyone down there even though I can’t tell you anything about them. And one last thing while I’m here. The linkster to Brandon’s book review of Full Rising Mooner, the newly-published novel by soon-to-be best selling author, Mooner Johnson, is:


Take a minute and check it out, and read some of Brandon’s stuff while you’re there. He’s a very nice man. Manana, or sometime soon, y’all.

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6 Responses to “Squirt Dislikes Florida- Refuses To Make Trip”

  1. Squatlo says:

    Brandon writes a good review, Mooner. How much did you pay him to do that for you? I could be bribed, that’s all I’m sayin’…

  2. Uh, Mooner…I LOVE Florida. I love the tropical heat. I digs me some palm trees, ocean breeze and humiditeez. Is this going to be a problem? Will we need to live apart after the wedding?

  3. admin says:

    Squat. Didn’t need to pay a thing. The boy is so screwed up on codiene cough medicine that he, obviously, can’t think straight. I, however, see a win… as a fucking win!

    Reck. Fear not, fair maiden. I’ll buy you a palm tree, set the ceiling fan on high, and when you feel my hot, moist breath on your…

    Anyway, you’ll not be missing no Florida.

  4. bj says:

    Sounds like … to me … Squirt is prolly better off stayin’ home anyway, and gettin her ass well…. And don’t be stressin’ over this bloggie thingy ….. won’t nun of it mean shit in ten years ….. Hope you ‘membered to kiss yer Momma g’bye. Bet she tells everybody at church what a good Son you are … goin’ to see yer scion alla way to Floridia and all. She MIGHT even tell them all they can omit you from their “Special Prayers” … for a day or two anywho ….

  5. chrisinphx says:

    Aww…poor little Squirt. I always have the groomer do the butt squeezing…when it comes to animals.

  6. Beej. Kisses all around for each Johnson family member and animal as well before departure. Mother’s last words were, “Please don’t offend anyone down in Florida, Mooner. You know how people talk.” Now that I’m here, I’m quite glad to be so. Even with the lost luggage, which just arrived.

    Chris. I have always thought that in taking on the responsibility of a pet… OK, wait, I was fixing to say something really fucking stupid. Allow me to limit my comment thusly. Dixie told me years ago that she would rather have me mess with her ass than the vet, and Squirt has expressed the same sentiments. Some folks, like Mother, have hinted that my ministrations have become somewhat inappropriate, as I “…Enjoy discussing those actions in polite company.”

    Me, I can’t remember the last time I was in actual polite company, so who gives a shit?

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