“Pay It Backward”; Mooner Challenges The Pope


So. Xmas is over and how grateful can we be for that? For all of you shitball right-wing Christians who think that my saying, “Xmas,” is sacrilegious, you dear morons know less about your own obsessions than do I. If you bothered to be certain that “Merry Xmas” is a blasphemous remark before shooting off your silly mouth and making threats upon my person, you’d have been saved the embarrassment of learning the truth post-incident. You’d have likewise escaped the case of puncture wounds to your upper thigh, said wounds perfectly matching the denture patterns of a certain half Chihuahua-half Whippet puppy.

Of course, if said shitballs bothered to check their facts before taking stupid positions on things, they wouldn’t even be right-wing Christian shitballs. They’d likely still be shitballs, but of some other variety.

See, Xmas is the shortened version of Christmas—a code name invented by the Greek Christians to evade additional torments at the hands of the anti-Christian tormentors of their time. The “X” in Xmas is the Greek letter for our C, so Xmas means Christmas, shitballs. It is the same fucking word.

Which reminds me. Did you guys see the Pope’s Xmas routine this year. As usual on Xmas day, his royal highness, La Popie, stood as nearly erect as possible at the golden alter in one of his chapels—as erect as one can stand when wearing fifty pounds of gold thread robes, gold trimmed hat and I’m sure a cutesy red thong—to deliver his annual Xmas mass message. There’s gold everywhere and thousands-of-dollars of fresh flowers ringing the alter area.

We can’t have the Pope seen without fresh flowers, you know, and maybe he should do squats to build his strength. I tried to stand straight holding a fifty-pound dumbbell and I’ll tell you that it requires a solid core strength.

The gold used to weave the finery and plate the alter, the scepters and other artifacts that set the scene of the Pope’s lecture are all items stolen from third world countries over the two thousand years we’ve had Catholics to plunder unfortunate civilizations. In the photo I saw from this Xmas, I bet there was $10 million worth of gold pictured in the cropped picture published in our paper.

I’m talking $10 million of the gold at the market price per ounce and not the value as art and artifact.

There he stood—twin sister of Queen Elizabeth—in the immaculate, perfect framing that only the Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Church gets to use. And guess what the theme of his message just happened to be. Come on, guess.

His theme was “The over-commercialization of Xmas”[.]

That’s right, that pompous and silly shitball lectured the population of the entire world about our crass commercialization of the holiest of all Christian holy days while standing in and among 2,000-years worth of evidence that the Catholic Church is the crassest Christian organization in history. In response to the old Popster’s message, please allow me to post my response.

Dear Pope,

Hey buddy, how’s it hanging? I hope the holidays have been good to you and yours. Things here have been quite nice recently, thank you, and if God sent Mr. Dave my way to service this hen house, please tell him of my gratitudes.

The reason I’m writing you is that I saw some of your Xmas speech and was moved by your words. OK, I watched your lips move while a very manly robed man translated for you. The translator seemed to be working quite hard to keep his voice low and emotionless. He sounded like Anna the Amazon when she tries to sound like a man, and I’m concerned that she might be manly more than your translator. Look, we really don’t care if you guys are gay, or not. But when you work so hard at looking straight, you cause us to think that all of you are gay and hiding in the massive closets there to Popeville.

“Come out, come out, whoever you are!” Really, we do not give a shit. Maybe if you guys come out of the closet you’ll stop molesting children and take full responsibility for those already molested.

But I digress.

Look, dude. You crazy fucking Catholics invented the commercialization of Xmas. Your entire dealie has been to take everything valuable away from everyone you meet. Since your first years as a club, you started stealing some food, and then a few gold coins—you know, the ones with Caesar’s face stamped on one side—and then things escalated from there. You moved on to stealing people’s land, their gold and other valuables, their livestock and other worldly possessions, and then you started stealing the people themselves, making them your slaves.

You did all of this stealing of commercial goods and services in the name of Christ, or “X” as the Christian Greeks-in-hiding called Him. You, dear man, are the head high muck-a-muck of the organization that is the original instigator of all things crass and commercial about Xmas.

The way I see it you started it, so you stop it. I’ll even make you a deal. I’ll give back every single thing that my family has ever taken from any other person without paying that person full market compensation, if your church will do the same. I mean I’ll give back every single item from forever in the history of Johnsons. I’ll give back that Navajo rug my grandfather bought from that old lady up to Amarillo that one time. He paid $10 for a rug with a current market estimate of $20,000, and I’ll give it back to that old lady. If she’s not with us, I’ll seek out her heirs and give it to them. I’ll give back the the quarter I stole from Mother’s purse when I was seven.

Hell, Mr. Pope, I’ll take Mr. Dave back over to the old folks home and tell him to stay there.

I’ll do that if you return all of the shit you guys have stolen. And if you do it and I do it, I bet we can get a whole bunch of other people to do it. We’ll call the movement “Paying it backwards” and then Steven Spielberg will make a movie out of it and let me write the screen play. We’ll get Jeff Bridges to play me and Chelsea Handler to play SAC Ellen.

OK, wait. SAC Ellen might prefer Sandra Bullock to play her part. Sandra already has experience playing a federal agent. Of course that was the FBI and it was a comedy role. If it was ten years ago, I’d say let’s cast Sharon Stone in the role. SAC Ellen is as steamy hot as I used to imagine Sharon Stone to be.

You claim to be close to God, talk to him for me. You share the same God with the Jews, right? Steven Spielberg is a religious guy from what I hear. I’ll bet he’ll give all of his stolen stuff back too.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you come across as an insincere and ludicrous sack of shit when you do things like that. You know, when you get pissy with the rest of us when we use Christ as an excuse to collect material things. You invented it, and perfected it long before the rest of us gained enough civilization to have any fucking disposable income to waste on fruit cake, Air Jordon sneakers and Xmas lights.

I mean really, has this shit not ever crossed you mind? Dude. Give this a little thought. We could make a lot of money from this idea and not need to steal anything.

And hey, I’m in such a great mood I’ll let you steal this idea from me without any payment of thanks or credit. One last theft to make it all worthwhile.

So until next time…

Hugs and three of those silly European air kisses,

Mooner Johnson

I need to print this letter and go mail it to the Pope. I’ve got his address somewhere around here from when I wrote the last Pope guy about Catholics’ Nazi support back in the WWII. Grab yourself an icy Carta Blanca beer and I’ll see you manana, y’all.

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7 Responses to ““Pay It Backward”; Mooner Challenges The Pope”

  1. squatlo says:

    I heard this one from a priest one night when we were playing poker, circa 1979… “Know what the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common? They both have decorative balls.”

  2. mel says:

    very well said. i hope the pope reads it. i can really do without the six months of build up prior to the actual holiday. on a similar note, last wednesday when i food shopped, there was easter candy out at the store. before christmas. really???

  3. admin says:

    Mel. I actually have zero problems with commercializing religous holidays. As long a churches remain commercial institutions that recieve income tax exemptions, I think the economy deserves the boost.

  4. squatlo says:

    Mooner, I just found a fellow blobber who has about as much love for the Pope as you do. Her name is Patricia and her nest can be found at http://www.patriciapolygon.blogspot.com and it’s called The Polygon. First post I found over there is a full on slap at the Pope and all his finery telling us to take some of the bling out of Christmas. You’ll feel right at home over there, promise.

  5. Mooner at his buddy's house says:

    Squat. I just checked her out and find myself in love, again. I think her slogan should be “Occupy Vatican City”

  6. Patricia says:

    Excellent anti papal rant! Complete with rectification plan and future screenplay. Amen! So rich in historical detail, yet I did not find it at all histrionic. I wonder if we could be related? I like you better than my kooky brothers and sisters who are still going to the damn church and educating the next generation there, really? God, give me strength. Look forward to more excellent ADHD advances! You could be the next step on the evolutionary ladder.

  7. admin says:

    Patricia. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the kind words. I’m thinking our DNA might have been mixed at some point in time and mine ended up fertilizing a Baptist egie rather than that of a Catholic. Or maybe our original eggie split out there in that weird space place that you Catholics have, the two new ones fell back to Earth, and yours landed where it did and mine into Mother’s lap. Since Baptists don’t think Catholics are “real Christians” then it seems likely more we’re split eggs. My own mother considers me to be heretical and possibly the anti-Christ, so having a Catholic split-egg sister would confirm that silly notion.

    Which reminds me. If we MUST capitalize all nouns and pronouns related directly to God and Jesus, then why is anti-Christ not a capped word also with it’s first letter? I can see Anti-Christ, or even anti-christ with no caps, but the entire anti-Christ dealie is ninsensical to me. I mean really. Who makes up these silly fucking rules?

    As for the evolutionary ladder, mine is shaky and has many rungs missing. Last time I tried to climb it I slipped and cracked my goober peas when I fell on the rung below. Besides, here in Texas there isn’t any such thing as evolution. Didn’t you know that all those T-Rex fossils are only 10,000 years old? Of course, when I look closely at the Pope and Texas Governor Rick the Prick Perry, I start to wonder about evolution myownself.

    Anyhow, I like you site and will return soon to harrass your fine behind.

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