ADHD Brain Fritz; A Mind Is A Terrible Thing


So. I’m sitting here at my computer wondering what to say. It isn’t that I have nothing to say, it’s that I have too much to say and I lack priorities. OK, I have priorities but my priorities have no propriety. My ADHD-addled brain organizes shakily at best, sloppily as per usual and occasionally—as Squatlo likes to call it—bat shit crazy.

When I’ve got the brain fritz, even I can’t sort through the smelly swill that boils in the cauldron I call my brain. Every one of the twenty independent thought strings starts to mingle and mate with the others, and the end result could be imaged in the opening of my book trailer. Go to this linkster and watch it really quick and then come back.

That swirling, ratcheting and jerking of images in the first scene is how my fritzy brain thinks. And isn’t that a lovely promotional ad for my book? And the MRI sequences next to the end are mine. That MRI was made the time I was pitched into the Shoal Creek Loony Bin after my second arrest for murder. The main murder in the book.

That MRI imaging is from after they had me stoned gourdless on Haldol. I fucking hate Haldol but my brain isn’t on full fritz when they put me on it. Haldol has wicked side effects. All of those psychotropics do. One of the side effects of Haldol for me is that my pecker dissociates itself from me. It’s like they cut my real pecker off and sew a remote controlled pecker in its place.

It isn’t like I have no feeling in my pecker, it’s that there is an interruption in the flow of electrons through my central nervous system. Things happen with my pecker that I know should happen, but my brain doesn’t register accurately or in a timely fashion. A perfect example is that I’ll think to myself, I’ll think, “I need to pee,” and then realize that I just finished peeing.

But my thoughts don’t race and I lose all passion for the natural instincts of flight-or-fight, self preservation, and procreation. That’s why they give us crazy people Haldol. To control us.

I know this one man who likes Haldol as a recreational drug. That is one seriously fucked up individual. He can have all of mine.

Which reminds me. Justine just told me that there is a typo somewhere in the book trailer. Be the first to make a comment on precisely where it is, and I’ll send you an autographed book. Maybe there is more than one error and I’ll give away extra books.

Which reminds me that I wanted to tell you that Rachel and Nathan came out to the ranch yesterday afternoon to film a reading from the book. The film will be edited into a video you can download or link to view, and you’ll get an entire chapter for free. There are 44 total chapters, so you’ll get almost 3% for free!

I’ll let you know when it’s ready.

Haven knows what I mean about Haldol, I bet. She has bipolar disorder. Most bipolar persons hate Haldol as do I. Haven has a great site on which she discusses her life with bipolar disorder. Her linkster is:

Anyway, I’m bat shit crazy and ready to pull all of my hair out. I dropped the dogs and the fucking cat off with Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson when I went to my morning psycho therapy session. She wants to spend the weekend with the animals to monitor their mental well being. My therapist is worried that I’m on the verge of pulling a stupid stunt and getting into trouble.

Well fucking duh. I haven’t been arrested for several months and the last time I was slapped was right before Thanksgiving.

Which reminds me. The anti-abortion protesters haven’t been hanging out at the Planned Parenthood offices lately. That’s when I was last slapped. Catholic anti-abortion lady slaps me routinely when I show up with my anti-antiabortion protest sign. This is the latest of my signs


The other side says, “I’m an abortion and I’m OK.” That photo was taken in BJ’s house at the big BlogCon2011 convention. That’s me that you almost see holding the sign. I cause quite a ruckus when I show up to anti-protest. Isn’t ruckus a neat word? And why do I have tears in my eyes? I think I miss BJ and the guys.

I also think Dr. Sam I. Am is worried that I need chaos, that I seek situations wherein I get in trouble. I know she’s wrong, but appearances say otherwise.

Ugh, and fuck it. I’m having a Carta Blanca beer. Manana, y’all.

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14 Responses to “ADHD Brain Fritz; A Mind Is A Terrible Thing”

  1. squatlo says:

    Don, I wrote to BJ a couple hours ago and suggested he and I come down and crash your book launching dealie, unannounced. To finance the journey (and all of the recreational adult beverages and pork barbecue required of such a road trip) I bought us a $5 scratch-off ticket and took out my lucky quarter. Needless to say, if my magic quarter was how we were paying for the trip, we probably won’t surprise your ass signing books. Dammit.

    That Haldol sounds wicked, and I’m glad I’ve not needed a dose or two to help keep my ass in line. Currently I’m trying to get through a couple of weeks sans alcohol, and just finished grilling pork chops WITHOUT A DAMN BEER, which ought to be some kind of misdemeanor or something. A man ought to be required to drink at least one cold beer when he grills out, or lose a testicle or something. But the meat turned out great, despite my lack of fun cooking it.

    Just posted some shit you’ll watch to read or watch, I promise. McCain’s losing it, Marcus and Michele say goodbye via Funny or Die, and there’s a left-handed, color blind hermaphrodite waiting for your comments…

    Later. Life’s good, c’mon back and we’ll remind you!

  2. Squat. OK, first, while I would love to see you guys, I want any trip you make to Austin more than me simply “seeing” you. I will have a house full of people and a full dance card all this week. Let’s take some time and plan a meet-up. Maybe we can go to a neutral site.

    Second, how can you ever lose a testicle when you betroughted has such a firm grip on them. Ask her to let you borrow one every now and again. As for the NA aspects of your current situation… Half of me wants to say, “Oh, you poor sweet babboo,” while my other half wants to say, “Bwa-ha-ha-ha. Wrap yourself in another blanket to make up for the lost BTU’s.”

    That’s some funny shit you posted. I heard the McCain gaffs on the Ed Schultz show earlier and the Mrs. and Mrs. Bachmann video is classic FOD.

  3. bj says:

    Hell, How many folkses is sposed to show up at this Ass Signin’ thing (you know I don’t like crowds ….. unless they’re chanting “Kill!”, “Kill!”, “Kill!” ….. or JUMP! or some other shit like that) anyway? and how much does it cost ter get IN? It’s been longer than “several months” since I been arrested in Tejas, and might be werth the trip just to punch out that face slappin’ lady down to the Planned Parenhood building …. so don’t give all them Haldol away just yet ….. at least til you don’t see us there …. that shit’s as good as Dilaudid and there’s a WERLD a shit we could get arrested for doin’ …. if we take enough! Powerball drawing tonight so don’t count us out jest YET! Ruger, That Asshole Bird Peach, Ms. baby ‘n me all miss you too …. but they all have that blank stare, from livin’ with me, back in their eyes again …. so … if yer A.O. becomes unfriendly (real or fucking IMAGINED) reconnoiter, call with a sit rep and we’s’ll come gitchy!

  4. By the way …….. you spell Inappropriate like that right there …. not like it is on your video at the end INAPPROPRAITE

  5. mel says:

    I totally get you with the drugs…just had a discussion about that the other day with a doctor. I am tired of the whole toxic feeling that I have in my body.

    Also, I feel dumb because I watched the book trailer about 15 more times and couldn’t find a typo…and I can always find a typo. I drive people crazy with it…

    I also think I would pay good money to see you at an antiabortion rally. I had some experiences here when I was a kid and my parents would get pissed off at the protesters. I thought that was priceless. You take it to a whole new level. We have this thing here every summer called the Woodward Dream Cruise, which is classic cars cruising up and down Woodward Avenue through five or six different cities (Woodward is a pretty big road here that runs from the burbs all the way to downtown Detroit). I say classic cars – that is how the whole thing started – but it has been going on for about 17 or 18 years, so there are some who have decided to take their cars and just do crazy, over the top things with them. Like abortion dude. Totally inappropriate what he does, as it is a family event. He has a full sized conversion van that he plasters all over with pictures of aborted fetuses. Good times. I had to skip the event last year because of the experience that I had earlier in the year and not wanting to bring it all back up in front of a bunch of people – I prefer to grieve in the privacy of my home. You should come up for it. Maybe you two could share a bonding moment.

  6. squatlo says:

    Mooner, you and Mel’s Abortion Guy REALLY need some quality time together. If you want, me ‘n BJ and Reckem will drive up to Motor City for the show, and you can bring Streaker Jones and some bail money along for the trip! We’ll hold an Occupy Mic Check press conference at your arraignment hearing! We’ll rent a pimped out Hybrid Hummer for the Dream Cruise, decked out with some custom paint slogans, like “Zygotes Prefer Planned Parents!” or something of that nature on the side…

    You could have a special shaving session done for the ceremonial bow to the cameras, with something appropriately inappropriate carved out for the event, like “Conception begins at Puberty”. Actually, that’s fairly damn accurate, so hold that one for my copyright lawyers.

    Just had an epiphany (BJ has supplied my new ‘word of the day’) and think you should start to work on “steamless mirrors” for bathrooms. Just have the engineering mind of Streaker Jones figure out a way to put heating coils (like those in the rear windows of automobiles) behind the glass, and let it activate whenever the shower’s running.

    I’m outta here. Consider this a public service announcement and patent offering for some energetic Mooner Johnson follower. No need to thank me, I do this as a service to mankind.

    Just had a ceremonial Bloody Mary, after a week of alcohol free purging. Life’s good. Sumbitch, I miss pork barbecue!

  7. mel says:

    That would be sooooo awesome!

  8. mel says:

    Mooner, totally unrelated…watching this football game. Very disappointed in Pittsburgh at the moment…granted they are just into the 3rd quarter, but I swear, I can not take having to listen to all the shit that will be said about Tim-may until they lose. And I don’t even want to think about a super bowl victory…

  9. mel says:


  10. squatlo says:

    Gag… Tebowing for another week…

  11. admin says:

    Beej. I’m uncertain the number of attendees, but the venue holds but +/-150 mature adult carcasses. It’s a two-story loft, so “Jump” will havle little meaning unless you mean “Jump” as in abandon ship.

    Grammar Knots. You are the winner, sir.

    Mel. Yea, I looked at that silly fucking thing at least a hundred times. But typographicaql error is my middle name. As for that fuckwad with the fetus pics on his van, to me that is pornography. A fully-nekid person would be far less offensive in that arena than what he does. But that’s free speech for you. Two edged sword that one is.

    Squat. I have deeper thoughts on your abortion comment so I’ll save them for now. But who wants a mirror that doesn’t fog? Most of my best love letters were written on foggy glass. And have you never pressed a big old ham on a steamed shower glass?

    Mel, Mel and Mell, again. Three words. Fuck Tim Tebow.

  12. squatlo says:

    Mooner, I’m just relieved to see you’ve responded to your legion of adoring disciples… I was beginning to think you’d been kidnapped by minions of the Vatican or by some radical right-to-life organization down there in TayHass. Two or three days of deafening silence spawns all KINDS of paranoia, just sayin’…

    So you’re the jerk who wrote on our bathroom mirrors during our football Saturday back in November? We were wondering why the glass smelled of pork and had childish scrawlings all over it… Another mystery solved. We thought we had a ghost pig in the house. Pig ghost? Read more about ghostly sightings over at my place when you have time. You can’t say we hillbillies aren’t creative when we need cash for urban renovations…

  13. admin says:

    Squat. Nope, I’ve just been busy otherwise. I’m thinking that the protesters are weather sensitive and only protest when things are clement. So you did read, “Ode to Pulled Pork” a Mooner Johnson poem.

  14. Yachiyo says:

    >Politics, penmanship and reaetdrd cowboys aside I love your fashion sense Mr. Piraro. The pants! The tie! I wish I could order them for Father’s Day!Your response was indeed, as Superhero wrote, elegant. It was also civil, which is rare, though maybe, eventually, with President Obama in the White House will trickle down.

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