Heart And Soul; Rick Perry Still A Prick


So. We were all sitting at the big table for breakfast yesterday morning and I was attempting to express my feelings about Rick Perry’s having quit presidential politics. As I have several times here, I mentioned that I was happy that Governor Dumbass wasn’t going to be elected to screw up the entire country, yet I lamented that he’s now got all of his waking hours to finish the job he started to totally fuck up my state.

My mother is a Baptist right-wing conservative Christian from waaaay back, and her Christian lobotomy hasn’t grown back. Since she routinely stops at the church to listen to the swill that spills from the mouth of The Right Reverend Pastor Browningwell, Mother’s lobotomy is cultivated quite nicely, thank you just the same. The dead space in her brain that stimulates free thought lays disconnected from the rest of her brain.

I was talking about the absolute insanity of Pick “The Prick”Perry’s endorsement of Newbt Gangrenich as he quit, and when Mother had gotten her fill of my rant, she said, “You shut your foul mouth and right now, Butcher Einstein Johnson. I’ll not have you saying such terrible, filthy things about MY Governor. Rick Perry is a fine, fine Christian man and you should be ashamed of yourself for speaking evil about him. You’ll rot in hell if you don’t stop.”

OK, wait. First of all, have I ever told you that is my given name? And for seconds, it wasn’t right then that my mother launched her standard “Mooner will rot in hell for (fill in the blanks)” speech. It was when I started asking if anybody could rectify (justify) the fact that if God told Ricky to run for President—and since the pompous prick does everything God tells him to do—he ran for President, and has now summarily ignored God’s demands and aborted his campaign.

I love it when Rick Perry performs abortions against God’s will. In fact, I now remember that is what I said when Mother went off on me. I mumbled something in replay like, “My ticket to hell has already been punched,” a comment that always brings out the mother in my martyred parent.

“You would see the rightness of Mr. Perry’s actions if you were a good Christian man, Mooner. But you have the Devil in your soul and evil in your heart.”

Now me, I think I’d rather evil was in my soul and that the Devil resided in my heart. I’m unsure why, precisely, but that is how I have felt ever since my mother first laid this trip on my head. We were back to second grade—Streaker Jones and I—and he dared me to moon Mrs. Leticia Browningwell during Sunday School. This was before my little incident with my Boy Scout Leader, so I was still allowing Mother to drag my ass to the Baptist church every time the unlocked the fucking doors. Streaker Jones went wherever I went most times and he was there.

If I remember correctly, we were studying the story about the father who gave his sons talents. Streaker Jones raised his hand and said to Mrs. Browningwell, he said, “Mooner’s got a talent,” at which time I showed her.

I think that was the first day that I sensed that Gloria Muckleroy liked me better than Walley Smalley.

Anyway, I got my ear tugged—first from my seat in Sunday School all the way to the car—and then from the car all the way around the house and out to the tool shed that used to be attached to the side of the barn. The tool shed was remodeled when I dug the deep basement under the barn for Gram’s mushroom growing operations, and what was the tool shed is now her potion storage facilities.

And they say that an ADHD-addled fuckbrain can’t follow the plot line.

After Mother ear-dragged me to the shed and then whipped my ass with one of the switches I had previously harvested for just such a moment, I got the “Mooner, you are going to rot in hell for being irreverent” speech. That was the first time I was told that the Devil would be dwelling in my soul and evil inside my ventricles.

I’ve also wondered if the evil courses through me with every contraction of my rotten heart. Maybe that’s how the Devil keeps oxygenated and fed as he hides in my soul. I must have a huge soul to house the entire Devil. As much as I like pig meat and Carta Blanca beer, I guess I can explain the intensities of those likes by saying, “The Devil made me do it. He likes pork and Carta Blanca beer.”

Maybe this line of reasoning should go unused when I make my pitch to Carta Blanca for sponsorship.

I love my mother, I truly do. She’s honest and hard working, she gives freely to others in need, and she wishes the best she knows for everyone, including me. It’s just that the best she knows is tainted and tinted with the caustic dye splashed around in the Baptist church. Not the Baptist church with the loving, inclusive God, the other church with the mean God, the God that hates gays and Muslims.

Every time Mother gives me this speech, I cook her favorite meal as my reply of unlike kind. She still, to this day, hasn’t connected all the dots. She thinks that I do it to make her feel better for my being an asshole, but untruer words were never spoken.

I do it to show her that the Devil might live in my soul and that evil might hide out in my heart, but I forgive her of thinking so badly of me.

The results of modern psycho therapy at work. Manana, y’all.


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10 Responses to “Heart And Soul; Rick Perry Still A Prick”

  1. chrisinphx says:

    Mooner, you have my respect. Time and time again when faced with total bat shit crazy you’re able to remain calm and act like a grown up. I wouldnt be able to resist reminding Mother that you are a product of your upbringing and that any failures she wants to pin onto you are nothing more than result of her parenting skills.

  2. admin says:

    Chris. Being bat-shit crazy tempers my responses to like kinds. I guess it’s one of those “Honor among theives” sort of dealie. My mother is a tough one for me. I need to stop talking.

  3. squatlo says:

    Your mom (no doubt) has good reasons for her behavior, if keeping you in line serves as a cause-and-effect sort of diagnosis of her problems. My mom had the same martyr complex going, but (here’s the rub, Mooner, and the reason your mom couldn’t possibly compete with mine in the martyrdom category) she was also Catholic. Other than Jewish moms, Catholic mothers have the market cornered on martyrdom. We used to joke that mom’s tag line should have been, “Go ahead and eat the last piece of chicken, dear. I had a cookie yesterday…” followed by a motion best described as the back of her hand to her forehead. You have to actually do it to see it… I’ll wait.

    But by now even your Babtist mommy ought to be able to see through Rick Perry’s sanctimonious bullshit, lobotomy victim or not. Hard for me to believe anyone in the state of Texas isn’t in on the joke by now.

    We’re just glad he’s back home where he belongs, Commandering in Chief those hundreds of thousands of brave Texans who protect the border and stuff… sitting in his Austin office with his flight suit hanging at the ready, just in case he’s needed to pilot a mission, ala “Independence Day”, saving Earth (or the Rio Grande) from aliens. Wonder if he’s got one of those Curious George pilot outfit codpieces? You oughta ask… Shit, Texas should provide the governor with a codpiece for photo ops, at the very least.

    I’m outta here. (You gotta check out my latest post… my lovely wife is still mad as hornets this morning.)

  4. Maxcy Gregg says:

    You are correct, indeed about the citizenry of my beloved Palmetto State. A blind eye MAY be turned toward Dishonesty, Adultery, Theft and yes, even Satanic Soul Selling ….. but NO Morman will evah take the Southern Vote. By The Way …. “WE”, you understand, also decide WHOM is afforded the opportunity to Vote, as well.

  5. admin says:

    Squat. I’d love to respond to you but our beloved Theo has reserected another Civil War-era character and I feel required to respond.

    Maxcy (Theo). How did a century-dead Civil War General manage to find his way here to my hedonistic, low-class and leftie pages? I would think a man with your native smarts, education and breeding would find more fulling, nay I say higher-classed pursuits than to wallow here in our little pigsty. Your visits as the former, and also quite DEAD, S. Colfax, would indicate that you find those of us in my small circle of friends boring and mundane. Your other other reincarnation thinks us stupid and not worth his time.

    But allow me to say that my mother’s family hail from Fredricksburg, Virginia–the very scene of your bloody demise. I’ve toured the museum there and I must say that it seems that you died an unfair death. How terribly unfair that you, a Brig. General and man of laws, be shot while mounting his horse far behind the front lines. Maybe that’s your connection to Theo. Maybe it’s the irony of your life that attracts him.

    As Theo before you, you remain a welcome and honored guest so long as you maintain your reasonable civilities. But after some time passes, you need to either make smart, thoughtful remarks, or go away. You have the power to tune us out sir but we don’t… Wait a minute, thanks to modern technologies we can tune you out.

    But I must say this. As a real man, you were admired for your bravery and forthrightness. The real Maxcy Gregg would not hide behind the annonymity of false names with dead-end connections.

    Let me know when you feel you can face the sunlight and I’ll give you a forum.

  6. squatlo says:

    That’s not Theo talking to you, Mooner. Can’t you tell by the smell? Much too civil. Theo’d be all homo this and homo that on your ass by now. This guy probably finished high school and everything.

    Let him talk. I enjoy the pseudonyms, too… Prolly come back as Paul Lazarro next time to tell you “Nobody fucks with Paul Lazarro!”

    Roll wid it…

  7. admin says:

    Squat. I have no problem yet as he has remained civil. But I sense a simmering beneath the surfaces of our multi-faced visitor. I’m also bothered that he is chosing Civil War era personalities to impersonate.

    I still wish he would come out and say something original as to demonstreate his actual thoughts.

  8. Maxcy Gregg says:

    How shall I put this, so that I maintain my “reasonable civilities” ……… Let’s try this: My Dear Addled Mooner, in reference to your assumption that I “NEED to either make smart, thoughtful remarks, or go away”, my comment was very smart, thoughtful, and well phrased; much as THIS comment, but if YOU, Sir are “admin”, we shall require someone less mentally challenged than yourself to determine what IS and ISN’T “smart and thoughtful”. With reference to your openly hostile threat of ” Wait a minute, thanks to modern technologies we can tune you out.” BLOCK ME BIG BOY!! There now …. was that better?

  9. Maxcy Gregg says:

    OH! My Bad …. I forgot to add (that’s ADD, as in “addition TO” not as in your Advanced Dumbass Disease”)
    “Forget it, Donny, you’re out of your element!”
    Good Day

  10. Maxcy-Theo. Interesting how you respond to my olive branch offered to Maxcy with a Theo-styled attack. Again, why do you waste your time if you think me an idiot? Don’t you have some higher calling? Is the skin on your genius so thin that you consider my remarks as a terrible threat?

    Why do you choose to interpret my words as a slam and not an honest offer? Last time you came around I even gave you use of my little element to express yourself. I sense that you are a person who has anger simmering just under the surface. I feel that you are always looking to find ways to initiate conflict. That’s OK if you can be civil. Otherwise, not OK.

    But to address these three of your comments, I found the first you made on this post to be out of sync with the subject matter and not smarts remarks, in context. If I assume you referenced the prior of my writings Re: why the voters of Mid-Atlantic regions will never vote for a Mormon, then I think that comment to be smart, thoughtful and actually quite well phrased.

    But I’m not smart enough to play musical chairs with days and subjects, sir. I barely have the focus to focus upon now.

    I am not, however, out of my element. This is, after all is said and done, my fucking element. If what you seek is to be banned just say so. While I do find your acid toungue to be used with thought and nice phrasing, when used on personal attacks I find it bo-ring. Boooo-riiiiing!

    So play nice, or elsewhere. Your choice.

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