Mooner Mucks-Up The Bachelor; Baptists Vs Catholics


So. I’ve been mostly missing from the scene since Friday because I’ve been busy with planned activities. As a sufferer of acute ADHD and ADD Types I through XV, I have also been busy with unplanned activities. Just last night I was flipping between the Texas mens’ basketball game and The Bachelor on the TV and I got into an unplanned argument with my sweetie.

SAC Ellen is in town for a few days and spent last night here. I don’t usually watch “Der Batch O’ Dummies” as Streaker Jones calls the ABC show, but the SACster is hooked on it. Under normal circumstances I would have watched my game, because I’m hooked on University of Texas sports, without interruptions in another room. OK, wait. Under normal conditions, SAC Ellen would have been in the living room with the flock of old Johnson birds watching The Bachelor on the big screen with Mr. Dave.

Mr. Dave is home from his visit over to the P-cube’s house and arrived back to the ranch with an extra bag. P-cubed is now staying in the guest room in Mother’s wing of the house where she can fit herself into Mr. Dave’s routine schedule. Things have gotten so confusing with that poor old man’s sexing schedule that the ladies asked Gnat to organize it for him. My able assistant set up a spreadsheet, and here “spreadsheet” is apt grammatical syntax.

Anyway, last night I hit the “Previous” channel button—I swear by reflex—and flipped to the game just as the bachelor, Ben is his name, removed his undies to skinny dip with the crazy woman. They always put one crazy woman on these shows to garner viewer interest.

“Dammit, Mooner, you ruined it.” My sweetie snapped at me and punched my arm high, near the shoulder. As I’m writing this my arm still hurts from the punch.

“Ow, dammit, ow, ow, ow!” I didn’t actual cry out in pain, but it hurt.

“Oh, stop being a cry baby, I barely tapped you.”

Have you ever noticed how persons with hands that are dangerous weapons always say “I barely tapped you” after they punch a bruise on you? My buddy Squatlo can back me up on this one. Right Bob? His sweet wife looks like a school teacher and has the balanced countenance of an Earth mother. But Bob says she can split a bowling ball with a stab from one finger.

I didn’t need to attempt the bowling ball dealie to know that’s quite a feat, and I suspect SAC Ellen might possess similar abilities. Her “little tap” left bluish imprints of her knuckles.

Holy shit but I have left the fucking building. I wanted to tell you about my little research project. The local Catholic High Muck-A-Muck, Bishop Joe S. Vasquez, issued a statement last night that he is pissed about “Obamacare” because it requires health care insurers and providers to cover contraceptives costs if they participate in government programs. I know that last sentence was poorly constructed but you catch my drift.

Le Bishy-Poo was pissed that his church’s dogma were required to take second place to the law, and he started that tired old “separation-of-church-and-state” argument where the church takes the opposite side of the coin than what was meant in The Constitution. They try to twist the Big C to say that a law shouldn’t ever contradict religious dogma, when the actual words are different. The new health care package does not REQUIRE Catholic hospitals to sell/offer birth control pills. But it does say that they need to offer the same full coverage as other health care providers on government programs.

Or said another way, the Federal plan needs to be administered in like kind at every fucking institution it is administrated. Another awkward sentence with specific meaning. The new program is designed for the human recipients of the health care and not the fucking institutions providing the health care. I know this is a change from the Bushie White House years where the providing institutions got all of the consideration in health care regulating.

But that debate isn’t what got me off track. It was, rather, that I started wondering what specific Bible verses (versi?) does (do?) The Holy Roman Catholic Church base its positions re: contraception and abortion? I was reared Baptist and those silly shitwads cannot make a clear decision where in the Bible they come up with some of their crazy ideas. But the Catholics are waaaay more organized and have been at the business of silly dogma for hundreds of years longer. Hell, the Catholics invented the fucking Inquisition, so you know they’ve got the whole dogma dealie down pat.

So, I called Bishop Joe (Jose) S. Vasquez to get some answers. I wonder what the S. is for—Stephen, I bet, or would it be Simon after the Apostle? I was passed from department-to-department as nice-sounding women answered the phone in each department. I guess the local Diocese of the Catholic Church don’t have the same rules as up to the Vatican. I guess women are good enough to be secretaries down here at the lower ranks of Catholicdom, but lack the needed proximity to God for holding the higher offices.

Anyway, I landed at the Communications Department and the voice mail for Mr. Christian Gonzales, it’s head. As I listened to his message I had a bigoted thought. I was thinking that I might have found the level at which the gender barrier was erected at the Diocese. I know that I have a quite real bias to bigots, and having that bias is a bigotry all its own.

I left him a message that said, “I’m doing research on the differences in Catholic and Baptist beliefs on several topical subjects and I would like an official position of your church.”

I’m going to ask him which specific Bible verses The Pope relies upon to make his edicts on contraception, abortion and homosexuality. I’ve tried since last year to get The Pope to answer for himself but my queries have gone unanswered.

I’ll let you know what I find out. Mooner Johnson, Investigative Reporter. Manana, y’all.


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9 Responses to “Mooner Mucks-Up The Bachelor; Baptists Vs Catholics”

  1. The last time my better half ‘barely tapped’ me, she accidently elbowed me in the beanbag.

    “Why are you purple, hun? I barely touched you!”

  2. squatlo says:

    Since I was referenced in your post I shall require a minimum of three minutes to respond before yielding the remainder of my time to the other debate participants. Wait… that’s what Mittens Romney said when Noot smeared his name in Florida. My bad.
    But I will respond.
    My lovely wife hasn’t actually split a bowling ball with her finger, but she did grip her cell phone so tight once after a conversation with her adult daughter that she cracked (and I mean crushed) the glass front on the phone. She’s prone to “tapping” like SAC Ellen, only she likes to say shit such as “Oh, that didn’t hurt!” when I whine. Funny how people always like to tell you when you’re not in pain, as if they can channel your sensory vibes and determine your pain threshold for you. “I barely touched you…” is meant as a sneering stab at your manliness, as if a mere “female” couldn’t possibly inflict any damage on a “real” man. Well, bullshit. My little woman has a fourth degree black belt and I’ve got witnesses who’ve seen her deck full grown manly men who were likewise trained in karate. Don’t tell me she can’t punch like a steam press. Been there, got the marks.

    If you get a clarification from the good Bishop, lemme know. I never got to speak to anyone any higher up in the church food-chain-of-command than a priest the entire time I was under their roof. Had a nun hit me with a thrown Bible once, does that count?

  3. bj says:

    JS Vasquez will send the proper referring passages …. but they’ll be in LATIN! Then you will be afforded the opportunity to discern the intent of a Dead Language and translate that into Babtist Jezus Speak. Naturally you’ll be expected to tithe ten per cent a’ yer INCOME for the recipe to that shit …….

    and Squatty …. was that “Full Grown Manly Men” comment a SHOT? Sounded like a shot at manly men, to me …. my compliments to yer Missus and please convey my apologies TO her for any trespasses, real or imagined. (gulp!)

  4. Granny Ook says:

    Good luck with that one, Mooner…

    My mother took all us kiddies to mass and Sunday school regular up till about the time I was 9. From what little I can remember about the confusing garbage the nuns fed us, the Pope, as the spiritual descendant of Peter, can issue edicts that have the force of scripture, because he can never be wrong when he is speaking for the church. (Infallibility, baby!) In other words, any random prejudice that dribbles out of the mouth of a senile pope is equivalent to the word of God.

    It will be interesting, tho, to see what the Vasquez fella sez.

  5. admin says:

    Brandini. Women should know better.

    Squat. OK, first, you are starting to whine again, and second, you aren’t the first nor last, to say that the Catholics will ignore. Please allow me to say this, Mr. Christian Gonzales. Before you blow me off, go ask Catholic anti-abortion lady if I can be ignored without making a payment?

    Beej. Dixie speaks Latin, so rest assured. Then again, Dixie hasn’t been speaking to me since before Christmas, and remind me that we should take flowers and a nice box of candy on our next visit to Chez Squatlo.

    Granny. I’ll keep you informed. So far, no official response.

  6. bj says:

    Granny’s got the meat of it …. “any random prejudice that dribbles out of the mouth of a senile pope is equivalent to the word of God.” and I would add ….equally irrelevant, as well ……

  7. Filomena says:

    Your blog has been extremely useful so I feel like you should know that, cheers mate

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  9. Thank you for your great article on Baptists vs catholics. I really appreciate your work on that one. Cheers, Jacueline.

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