Overlord Mooner Overloaded; Duties Of Office Overbearing

 

So. I’m in a terrible rush and I have little time to talk. I never had any conception as to just how much work is required of an Overlord. I’ve been Overlord of the Fucking Universe (O, FU) for something less than a full day and I’m overwhelmed.

I’m more like an Overloadedlord. Who knew that being in charge of every fucking thing would be so much work?

All these details and I’m not a details sort of guy. Quincy ought to have his brain examined for naming an ADHD-addled redneck fuckbrain as Overlord. Q knows better.

Which reminds me. I have never heard anybody whine so much as Squatlo. I named him the First Underlord of something yesterday—Political Theory I think it was—and all he’s done is bitch and whine like a baby ever since. Wah, wah, wah, Ides of March and wah,wah, you need a defense minister, and wah, wah wah my nuts are still frozen because my wife keeps the house so cold.

Holy shit, man. Get a fucking grip! You can be the First Underlord and Defense Minister, for shits sakes. Now stop your whining and go start a war or something. Do some ethnic cleansing or go rape and pillage. Just stop your fucking pissing and moaning.

OK, wait. Stop the presses. Will you listen to me—do you hear what’s happening to me? Less than a day and I’m already corrupted by my absolute power. It’s true what they say about absolute power.

Ugh. This Overlord of the Fucking Universe might not be the party I expected it to be. If I’m to be the O, FU I need to be responsible and thoughtful and caring and shit. The very last thing I want to become is someone I want to assassinate.

Ugh, and ugh once more.

Have you ever noticed that assassinate requires two asses to complete? That might be poetic. Speaking of which, when I went to the Spec’s Liquor store to get all the booze for the big book launch party taking place manana, I met Francois Pointeau—poet and manly raconteur. Francois is the host of a radio show all about writers. He seems an interesting man, and I’m going to start listening to his show. Maybe more to come on Francois later.

OK, fuck it, I’m worn totally out. You guys need to buy my book, or else. The O, FU has spoken.

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6 Responses to “Overlord Mooner Overloaded; Duties Of Office Overbearing”

  1. chrisinphx says:

    Mooner you need some minons to do your bidding!

  2. squatlo says:

    Lord Mooner, you might want to consider toning it down a bit when harshly criticizing the guy who’s protecting your exposed backside…
    I mean, would you talk to your Royal Gardener like that? No, of course not, ’cause he’s got a shed full of stabby things at his disposal, and probably already hates your picky guts for giving him posers like the last demand you made:

    “Royal Gardener! We have ten pecan trees in the Royal Nursery. I want them planted in yon glade in five straight rows, each row is to consist of four trees. Do my bidding or you’ll face the axe by sunrise!”

    Well, the guy figured it out and got your trees planted in an acceptable formation, but I gotta tell ya, he damn near drove himself nuts figuring it out.

    (btw, this is a real puzzler, so give it some thought and lemme know if you solve it!)

    I’m off to start a ground war in Asia on your behalf (obviously I never played RISK as a child…)

  3. Chris. I want to name you First Underlord of Bad Manners. You can be in charge of correcting assholes Kindom wide. Want the job?

    Squat. Write me from the Chinese front.

  4. mel says:

    I think you are putting too much thought into the whole thing. Just kick back and let it settle. You probably have at least a week or two before you really need to worry about implementing any policy.

  5. chrisinphx says:

    Underlord of Bad Manners sound like a winner! Am I correct in assuming the uniform will include a cape?

  6. Mel. Thoughtful and just rulers cannot think too much about the rules we make. That’s the fucking problem with most rule makers. They only think about themselves.

    Chris. Yeppers, make it in your choice of colors. But be sure to have the letters emblazzoned on your chest- “U- BM”

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