Overlord Mooner: Quincy Names Mooner Overlord Award Winner

 

So. I have been “awarded” another dealie wherein I’m named as a big fucking hotshot. This time the namer is Quincy over at Thank Q For Common Sense, and the category is “Overlord Award”[.] Please allow me time to thank Quincy for this vainglorious award. My ego is properly swelled with pride, and well, ego.

Those of you with strong vocabularies already know that an Overlord gets to lord over other Lords and has omnipotence. Said another way, an Overlord is King of all Lords. I’ve been granted the right to make laws and edicts and decisions about anything and everything.

Overlord Mooner. Has a nice ring to it. Which reminds me that I need to get one of those giant, gaudy-assed rings to wear for my subjects to kiss. I don’t like jewelry but I’ll wear that ring. My loyal subjects will want to be able to pay homage properly.

Let’s get started with the laws. Overlord Mooner Law Number One states that: No law or rule shall be made in this land based upon any religious belief. Any lawmaker who attempts to introduce legislation that is religion based will be summarily executed. Do not pass Go and head directly to Jail.

That law of Overlord Mooner needs to be out there to the Universe pronto and post haste. I want all the fuckball legislators to have fair warning on all of this. I don’t want to hear any, “What do you mean you’re cutting my nuts off and feeding me, crying like a little baby, to alligators?”

I want everybody to have a fair chance to straighten up and fly right. Choo-choo-cha boogie and get your ass right back on the tracks.

I’ll try to be creative in methodologies as your Overlord. I’ll attempt to make your punishments fit your crimes, and I’ll find interesting ways to reward those loyal subjects who do good deeds.

Like, for example, all you rapists need to listen up. The punishment for conviction of rape will be that you suffer the same rape as you inflicted, once a day for the term of your incarceration. You aggravate the rape with a beating—you get beat and raped, daily.

I’m concerned about overcrowding of prisons with rapists and religious legislative fuckwads, so I’ll release all non-violent drug offenders right away. Drugs will be legalized in various ways, so those guys will all get full pardons and sanitized criminal records. For the hard drug users, we’ll have colonies where you can waste away in peace if you choose to do so.

Yes, I did say release them “ALL” and I did say “NON-VIOLENT”[.]

I’ll set up thoughtful and caring rehab facilities in each colony to help you break your habits should you wish to do so. The colonies will cost far less than police and prison expenses to prosecute druggies. We’ll tax all drug sales and regulate their production. We’ll start shipping cheap drugs back into Mexico to help with our trade balance. We’ll even grow poppies and ship heroin to Marseilles, France.

I’ll place Streaker Jones in charge. He’ll be my First Underlord of Drugs and Other Stuff. Streaker Jones is a multi-tasker so I don’t want to limit him. I’ll make Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson the First Underthelord of brains and brain repairs. We’ll fund their fiefdoms with the money we currently waste on The War on Drugs.

You know what? Of all the silly wars America has chosen to start and drag the world into, The War on Drugs might be the dumbest of all. More lives lost, more money wasted and we’ve managed to ruin Mexico in more ways than we have Iraq. But here, again, when you try to rule based upon religion, things get all fucked up.

OK, stop. This is not the subject of today’s posting. Having assigned Dr. Sam I. Am to her new post has reminded me of what the actual subject herein was intended to be. I wanted to tell you about my recent psych evaluation. The one wherein I was evaluated by my psycho therapist evaluating the mental health of the Squirt, Yoda and Honor the fucking cat.

Sammie somehow has the idea that she can gain insight into my mental health through her observations of my two small puppies and the fucking cat. As unfair as it is, I’m to be judged based upon the behaviors of three of my pets. At least she chose the three most well behaved. If she’d decided to observe Rush Limbaugh and Rick Perry for a weekend, I’d be writing you from the confines of a padded cell over to Shoal Creek Mental Hospital. My giant gay pig and his 350-pound ostrich lover have habits that even unsettle me.

“Well, Mooner,” Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson began my session yesterday. “What we have here is a mixed bag of tricks.”

“Fuck you and your mixed bag of tricks nonsense, Sammie. That’s the same thing as saying, ‘Good news, bad news,’ and you know how I hate that bullshit.” She knows how I hate that bullshit.

Don’t you hate those “velvet hammer” kinds of things? If what you’ve got is bad news, just give me the bad fucking news. If you want to tell me that my pecker is going to fall off because I let the gonorrhea go unchecked for thirty years, don’t start the conversation with, “The good news is that the gangrene hasn’t made it to your prostate yet.”

New law of Overlord Mooner. Anyone caught using the “good news, bad news” method of delivering bad news will have a clothespin stuck on their tongue and get both ears and their nose finger-thumped. Repeat offenders will be executed.

Ugh. Now we need to back all the way up because I have a new first law of Overlord Mooner. I have a new most important law of Overlord Mooner. I am hereby outlawing bigotry based upon race, creed, sexual preferences or religion. Lawbreakers will be forced to live with a family in an apartment building fully occupied with whatever group it is the offender hates on. We’ll manacle them like in A Clockwork Orange, and have their eyes and ears held open with those same wire devices they used on Alex DeLarge. They will be brainwashed until they come to love those they formerly hated.

Those that hate homosexuals will be turned into homosexuals. Unless, of course, like Dr. Bachmann you are full of self-hate. Maybe I need to rethink this one. Homosexuality is a complicated subject, and needs careful thought to adjudicate.

Have you seen those Funny or Die videos of Michele and Marcus over to Squatlo Rant? Priceless.

I’m naming BJ at Dumb Perignon my First Overlord of Uncommon Sense, and Squatlo will be in charge of Political Theory. Reckmonster will be charged with the care of all veterans, and Melanie, Melanie will be over all non-mental, non-military related health care.

Oh, shit on a shingle. My ADHD has digressed us. My psych evaluation—this posting is about my psych evaluation.

Ugh, once more and with emphasis.

As Dr. Sam put it yesterday, the good news is that I’m not headed to Shoal Creek to the loony bin and I can keep the pets. The bad news is, and I’ll quote my psycho bitch here when I say, “The bad news is that Yoda has some deep-seated issues requiring intense therapy, your parenting skills lack insight, and Honor is a cat.”

Then she gave me the bill for a weekend of therapies for three animals.

“Bitch,” I told her, my best under the circumstances.

“Crazy redneck fuckball.” Not her best, but really good.

I need to spend some quality time thinking on this Overlord stuff. Gram’s brewing me a magic mushroom potion formulated to give me insight as a ruler. “I’ll call it Ya cain’t git nothin’ over this here Lordie,” she told me. That and a long stick of mellowing hemp bud washed down with some icy cold Carta Blanca beers ought to do the trick.

Mooner Johnson- Overlord of the Universe. Has a nice ring don’t you think? Manana, y’all, when we’ll write some more laws.

 PS-  Overlord Mooner Special Rule:  Buy my book.  Click over there and buy it!

 

 

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9 Responses to “Overlord Mooner: Quincy Names Mooner Overlord Award Winner”

  1. squatlo says:

    Congrats on being named Lord and Master of the Universe, Sir Mooner! We knew you had it in you. Can’t think of a more deserving fellow for the honor.

    Now for the bad news (and no, you can’t do the clothespin thing on my tongue yet, your laws have yet to be enacted by Royal Edict) I’m gonna have to decline your nomination for position of Lord of Political Theory, simply because in a Mooner-based Universe it will be a completely ceremonial position. Since bigots, haters, and Jebus Freaks will be duly controlled by other Mooner decrees, my rants and raves of a political nature will no longer be needed. Sounds as if you’ve got it all under control.

    What you’ll need is a Minister of Defense, because Overlords have to be on the lookout for back-stabbing mutineers. Ask Caesar. One day he was ruler of the most powerful empire in the history of empires, and the next day he was a pin-cushion. All we have to remember him now are old casinos and a salad named after his ass.

    So be careful you aren’t caught saying “Et tu, BJ?” one of these daze when he and the fellow galley slaves decide they want a bigger slice of the Lordy Pie. I’d volunteer to watch your back for you, but I think there’s a new market forming for people who make, sell, and sharpen knives as soon as your administration takes office.

    Later…

  2. mel says:

    Mooner, you have no idea how much better you have made me feel today. Thank you.

  3. bj says:

    If Nominated …. I Shall Not Run. If Elected ….. what’d you say the pay grade is for “First Overlord of Uncommon Sense”? I mean ….. If Elected I Will Not Serve! I gotta lotta werk and shit that needs to be put off and ignored between now and December 20. I ain’t sure I got enough time to do THAT, let alone lord all over uncommon sense ….. GOOOO-D NESS!
    Uhhhh …. I might consider being First Overlord Of Caligulan Theory, if that’s available…. But WHATEVER YOU DO, …. DO …. NOT Put Squatlo In That Bodyguard jobbie. He’s got a great shootin’ eye …. but he REALLY ain’t prepared for up close, and personal, defense …. know whut I mean, Vern? No offense ‘ere ‘Squats To Read’ ….. but seriously …..AND WHY IT GOTTA BE “Et Tu B effing J”?
    And whoever is First Overlord of Retarred Ex-Veterens Healthcare ….. Reck Or Mel …. whichever yinz is IT? It Herts When I Do This ……..

  4. Q says:

    “Mooner Johnson – Overlord of the Universe!” Yeah, that does have a nice ring to it. I love all of the rules and I’m definitely down with the punishment for convicted rapists. Getting a daily taste of their own medicine would definitely be a deterrent. They wouldn’t even have to serve a long sentence because a daily rape for 3 years is a lot more harsh than chilling in prison untouched for 6.

    The clothespin on the tongue/nose and ear thump is just flat-out funny. I’m tempted to just thump someone’s ears now simply from reading that. I can’t wait until I get to work…

  5. admin says:

    Squat. OK, first, thanks. Second, you act as if you have a choice in this matter. Fix your shit, dude. I’ll be expecting a game plan by Friday morning.

    Mel. You, my darling, are welcome.

    Beej. OK, as with Squat, no choice but to fulfill your obligations. Think of it as Viet Nam except without the jungles, Viet Cong and asshole Luies. Oh yea, and you don’t need to leave home to perform respectably. Streaker Jones has my back and you can have his.

    As for Squattie, me thinks mayhaps he doeth protesteth too fucking mucheth.

    Q. You evil bastard. Glad you approve of these first few rules because they are but the first few. I’m on a roll.

    Did I tell you that I can break a man’s nose with a finger thump?

  6. squatlo says:

    Beej seems to forget my up-close-and-personal-in-your-face defense mechanism comes complete with a disarmingly innocent looking woman who handles all the hand-to-hand shit on my behalf. She stands at my side like a Doberman on an invisible chain waiting for indication that her lethal abilities are in need. Woe unto the bastard who mistakes that timid smile for weakness… quicker’n a cat on a hot stove lid, and twice as stabby when she’s fired up… and all four “paws” can leave you bloody.

    Besides, defending the King is a long and honored profession. I’ll be in charge of taste-testing all of the various pork barbecue products and recipes from Mel’s Culinary Ministry, and as an added bonus I get to take the first swig of every Carta Blanca, just to make sure some Mexican subversive doesn’t poison the Emperer from the bottling plant. And it goes without saying that no Overlord should be expected to light his own recreational narcotics… since they can be tampered with, as well. Just sayin’… you gotta choose your Defense Minister wisely.

    I humbly request reassignment, Lord Mooner…

  7. mel says:

    i’m ready…i have been honing my skills for years.

  8. admin says:

    Squat. Fine. Defense it is. But you need to pay Cindy what she’s worth.

  9. I’ve been behind in my reading…so I’m just now seeing that I have been charged with the care of all vets! Yay! But, Mooner, dahhhhling…I have already named myself “Chief Deputy Undersecretary for the Coordination of Poop-Cleanup in the [Agency where I work which shall remain un-named!].” Does that matter? I suppose it IS a bigger deal coming from Overlord of the Universe…

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